03/29/2024 / Crème brûlée boba at work today. The barista even pulled out a small blow torch. It was delicious.
Coworker asked if I was "borderline bipolar or something."
Deeply miserable in an aggressive way.
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03/28/2024 / Iced matcha. Tried to get my dad to try a sip, told him it tasted like "wet dirt," but clean. He asked me why he would want to drink wet dirt. Then I told him it tasted like chlorophyll or petrichor.
I miss the smell of petrichor. It normally accompanies every rain here, but this past month has been overcast.
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03/26/2024
- Drawn to the Blood, Sufjan Stevens
- I Lost Something in the Hills, Sibylle Baier
- Houwa, Lily Chou-Chou
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03/25/2024 / “Today's lucky flower is the spray carnation. The flower language is ``faith that has endured all trials.” I remember this one from February & it's been my favorite since.
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03/24/2024 / I studied all day & passed my test with a 90, a sense of relief for now.
I keep having dreams about rape & suicide, which is a better indicator of how I am doing mentally than any string of words that I could write here.
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03/23/2024 / Got boba & ramen with E & then I got hot pot & boba with my family. I'm not well, but at least I'm well fed. Talking to E, we had light & happy conversation. I mean, I talked about how depressed I was, but it felt alright. Maybe I mean "light" as in something that eases a burden. I felt almost worry free as we were speaking, almost. We played chess together.
Mid-term tomorrow; large portion of my grade, scholarship money on the line. I'm going to spend all day studying, as I've spent these past nights. Going to bed early. I don't feel confident, which is rare for me. I don't normally suffer from test anxieties like this. It's been weighing on me.
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03/22/2024 / So many things that I've wanted to write but haven't: Studying & studying & studying instead.
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03/21/2024 / Rain & weird feelings, volatile.
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03/19/2024 / Good.
- Edge of Seventeen, by Stevie Nicks
- Running Up That Hill, by Kate Bush
- New Slang, by The Shins
- Chicago, by Sufjan Stevens
- Into Eternity, by Jens Lekman
- Viento Helado, by Rosario Bléfari
- Weird Fishes/ Arpeggi by Radiohead
- Bigmouth Strikes Again, by The Smiths
- Peng! 33, by Stereolab
- Alien Alien, by Nayutalien
- There's More to Life than This, by Bjork
- 夢中人, by Faye Wong
- SLoWMoTIoN, by PinocchioP
- At the Mercy of Emptiness, by PinocchioP
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03/18/2024 / You promised yourself that you would try.
- For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti, by Sufjan Stevens
- Nantes, by Beirut
- Into Eternity, by Jens Lekman
- All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!, by Sufjan Stevens
- Postcards From Italy, by Beirut
- Don't Panic, by Coldplay
- 花火, by Capsule
Started reading Resurrection by Tolstoy & The Book of Hours by Rilke.
"I love the hours when I'm blue, depressed, / my senses sharpened and I wide awake; / for then I have found, as in letters of late, / my future life lived out like stories / and lived out at best.
The hours give me assurance that I have / the room for a second, a much fuller life."
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03/17/2024 / Cooked eggs & veggies & read two books & drew two pictures & went outside & took a bath & brushed teeth in spite of the hole in my stomach.
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03/15/2024 / Found Woodstock sock.
Addendum: The best day that I've had in a while. I'd say I feel somewhere around a 3/10 or 4/10. 35/100. So many fractions to summon this quiet feeling of sadness but not of defeat.
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03/14/2024 / Almost put hand in boiling pot of water. Stopped myself. Lost Woodstock sock after washing & drying it & thought my life is no longer worth living.
Thought that I don't want concern from others, I just want pity. Actually: Replace "want" with "deserve."
I bought a book on cognitive behavioral therapy from the library for $1. I will probably neglect it, but oh well. I feel guilty when I spend money, but I'm trying to think of it as an investment in prolonging this miserable life.
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03/13/2024 / Nothing worth writing. Depressed.
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03/12/2024 / Miserable, painful spring break.
Back to my chocolate milk habit.
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03/08/2024 / Current emotional state:
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03/07/2024 / Skipped work today. Failed to make pudding again, this time from a fucking box mix.
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03/06/2024 / Skipped school today & unrelated, but I'm having honest to God period cramps. I never get these. It hurts badly.
"Today's lucky flower is witch hazel (yellow): the language of flowers is 'the return of happiness.'"
Addendum: I need to do my laundry... & my homework... & clean my room. Who was it that told me I should try keeping physical to-do lists? I should do that.
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03/05/2024 / Ticket for Japan: Booked! It'll be a three week trip.
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03/04/2024 / Current emotional state:
Picked up Wild World again for the first time since December. Mallary gifted me her photo. I paid off my entire home loan to Tom Nook. Wart Jr. gave my beautiful home only three out of five stars.
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03/02/2024 / "To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." -Mary Oliver
Reading that book on Greco-Roman mythology again.
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02/28/2024 / Chocolate milk to soothe a sad heart.
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02/27/2024 / Quiet day so far. I woke up before my alarm again; slightly sore throat. Spent time cooking (menemen for breakfast because I wanted to try something new & vanilla pudding which is cooling in the fridge); went on a short walk that made me choke up a little bit, in a way that's hard to describe; did dishes; texted a friend on the phone who is struggling right now. I feel a little tired, but well enough. This is probably the closest that I've felt to "normal" this month.
To-do: hang laundry, clean desk, throw out old papers for school, do one of three school assignments that are due by Friday, hang (tape) pictures, check in on my friend later tonight, respond to guestbook comments, finish Giovanni's Room, some writing
Addendum: So sick of my step-mother. Everything I eat or drink warrants a comment from her. Wow! That's a HUGE meal, you're going to be REALLY full! The HUGE meal in question? Toast, scambled eggs, & an avocado. You ate an ENTIRE avocado today? Yeah, aren't I so crazy? This woman lives in her own self-made prison where she surveils everything she eats & sees them only as consequences & not sources of pleasure or even just of sustenance, and I will never join her there. It's just extra ridiculous, because she & my dad talk to me about dieting & how I need to watch my sugar & you know, one of just eats when they're hungry & then some of us overeat & feel horrible about it or live in an extended state of perpetual starvation & with this being said, I'm not the one that needs help! It's fucking... I don't know, infuriating. I am the only one here with any sense of healthy self body image, and I don't want to be infected with these awful thoughts.
In other news, I had a delicious breakfast & dinner: Menemen with sourdough toast & an avocado.
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02/26/2024 / Can't stop, won't stop feeling good! Today's lucky flower is the spray carnation. The flower language is "faith that has endured all trials."
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02/25/2024 / Feeling... normal today, so far.
Addendum: I made the most delicious, most perfect, most beautiful egg drop soup & I am sharing it with you, my dear reader. The next time you have the perfect egg drop soup, that was from Vashti's psychic prayer waves in this moment.
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02/24/2024 / Happy again; Heart glowing; So bright I can barely stand to look; Slept five hours last night, not tired, not tired at all; Woke up & the sky was still blue; Not tired, not tired at all.
Ramune on sale at the grocery store; JagaRico on sale at the grocery store; Stole a burger from work.
I feel so happy that I could snap something's neck. Tic is back in full swing. Maybe I'm stressed about something without realizing it, or perhaps I'm just amped up....
Something is probably wrong with me, but I don't care; Not at all, not at all.
☆--☆--☆
02/23/2024 / I drank chocolate milk.
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02/22/2024 / Today at work I asked a coworker if he felt that empty feeling when he worked, the feeling that this is all meaningless & all pointless; despair, the acute awareness that we're going to die. I didn't ask as in, Do you feel this way? I asked as in, You know what I mean? He did not know. I thought it was universal.
As I wrote my essay last night, page after page after page, I told myself: Vashti, you can have some chocolate milk tomorrow! Then after I slept 3 1/2 hours & went in for my 8 hour shift, I drank only water & told myself: Vashti, you can have some chocolate milk after work! And then after I came home from work & immediately sat down to continue writing my essay, I told myself: Vashti, you can have some chocolate milk now! You made it through the day & it was all worth it! I opened the fridge & we had no milk. Chocolate milk is the only thing that's made me happy in days. It feels like I have nothing left. I can't put accurate words to the disappointment I felt. It was like being gutted. It was like gutting yourself, because I came close to crying over chocolate milk, and whose fault is that?
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02/21/2024 / I'm like if someone designed a sim with bipolar disorder. Why would anyone do that?
Addendum: I've gone from absolute despair to feeling pretty good again. I feel great actually. Hopeful. Like my heart is a sun instead of a damp, unfillable cave. Probably not good that I went from want to die to being very, extremely, super happy, but oh well.
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02/20/2024 / I woke up twice in the middle of the night; hard to stay asleep. Hard to fall asleep, like my insides are boiling.
I keep clenching my jaw. It hurts terribly.
I should do something for myself, in an attempt to go See Vashti? Isn't life good? Isn't everything worth it? There's nothing I want though, nothing that makes me happy.
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02/19/2024 / Feel horrible. Skipped school today. I feel very bad, very bad. Hard to eat.
Addendum: My teacher ended up cancelling class. Yay for Vashti. By cancelling our class, I've gotten an almost week-long extension on an assignment. Yay for Vashti. I also received a 98 on my math exam. Yay for Vashti. I still feel awful, but these happenings have provided a small sense of relief.
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02/18/2024 / Work & cooking & another cake. Food doesn't taste good anymore. Tried eating ice cream. Tried drinking chocolate milk. Had some more carrot cake. Rice & veggies & steak. It doesn't taste like anything. It's just mashing things with my teeth. I don't feel hungry & I don't feel full. What is left for me to enjoy?
When my mom picked me up from work today, she smiled at me & said my hair looked like Badtz Maru- Spikes. I made a carrot cake with my brother. I didn't expect him to want to, but he helped me make the whole thing. I told him in a grave voice that if the carrot cake didn't turn out, I may start crying. He asked me why & I realized that is not a normal reaction to a cake tasting average or below average.
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02/17/2024 / A tightness in the chest, the feeling that something in me is about to pop open.
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02/16/2024 / Sudden & intense lightheadedness & nausea. Pain in the chest. The feeling of something being wrong. Hard to breathe. Scared that I was going to pass out.
My friend E & I talked about baby names- she wants to be a mother one day. I told her I hadn't really thought of any children's names. She said she thought I liked the name "Vashti, right?" It almost made me laugh. She has no idea.
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02/15/2024 / Work was more than horrible. Ate some Fun Dip from Valentine's with my finger & now it's stained green as though I'm being overtaken by algae. I'm going to get boba with my friend tomorrow. Trying to just keep moving forward. I'm in so much pain.
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02/14/2024 / Miserable. I'm trying so hard. I feel so relentlessly bad & weird.
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02/13/2024 / Just cleaning, doing schoolwork, doing what I can. Not hungry, but my stomach hurts, so I made a smoothie. Went on a walk. I need a planner again. I have a math exam tomorrow.
Addendum: I ignored my feelings all day.
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02/12/2024 / Felt sick at school, almost threw up in my mouth on a walk, feel sick now. I think it's more mental than anything else. Hard to tell. The only time I can really feel bodily sensations are when I'm so miserable I make myself sick.
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02/11/2024 / Despair again. I was cooking today & became suddenly aware, acutely aware, that something was missing. It's like someone sawed a circle in my torso, but left it there & I hadn't noticed until this thought knocked it loose. I made brownies & carrot cake. They were both delicious. I feel so sad.
My little brother texted me this morning telling me to call our sister, because she convinced him that she ate her own phone. I asked him how she could text him if she had eaten her phone, but he had me call to "report back to him" & I told him all I could hear was her stomach growling, so the phone must be in there like she'd said. He said that she must be playing sound effects, & it struck me that he trusts me so implicitly that he really thought I could hear her stomach growling & not that I was also in on the joke. He texted me a lot today. His child's way of texting is endearing. He always adresses his texts to me with [Vashti] or [Vashti, are you there?] It comes across as walkie-talkie talk to me.
We texted goodnight multiple times. When I'm visiting my mom, we say good night over & over from when I tuck him in till when I shut the door behind me. When I was a child, I got in some sort of argument with my parents & one of them told me that they could die in their sleep & whatever I said would be the last thing I'd ever say to them, so now I make it a point to say "I love you," to everyone, making sure it's the last word. I can say "I love you" & if we have another conversation afterward, I have to say it again. I don't know why my brother does it, but we echo it back & forth, saying "I love you, good night," until I'm out of the door & walking away. Over text I told him to pretend that I closed the door.
I'm going to bring E some carrot cake at school tomorrow. It's one of the only cakes that she likes; that & cheesecake. She asked me if I'm feeling better. Instead of saying that I wish I were dead, I said no, haha. Whenever someone confronts me with my feelings, I try to soften them. I think it's that I don't like feeling burdensome.
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02/10/2024 / I've gone from the heights of happiness & splendor to absolute despair to... whatever this is in a matter of a few days. I cooked food today, good food, bibimbap & chocolate pudding. I think I'm going to make a poetry page & write a poem a day & make myself publish it. Might not even edit the poems, just rough drafts. I don't know...
Pain in my hips & in my elbow, the inner part that connects my forearm & upperarm. I don't know why I'm hurting like this. I thought a few nights ago that I may be falling ill, but I've never experienced this before. At least my back no longer hurts since I started sleeping on the floor... My feet hurt too, the tops of them, where they meet the ankle. I haven't been to the doctor in a couple of years. Maybe I should get a check-up some time, when I have the car. I was supposed to be taking thyroid hormones & quit, haven't been on them in a long time. I didn't like that I had to wait to eat breakfast, but yeah, maybe I need to take them & that explains the mystery ailment. I just don't like my doctor. He's kind of a dick. He always tells me that I've gained weight even though I've been the same weight since high school. Then when I was too depressed to eat he congratulated me on the weight loss. Whatever. I should try to find a female doctor, one that won't call me fat when I'm not.
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02/08/2024 / Intense mood swings & all music sounds like dissonance. It's hard to eat. Work was bad today & after I came home, I came close to crying multiple times over. I almost cried when my dad asked me to do the dishes. I'm almost crying as I write this. Something feels wrong with me, inside of me. Everything feels like an existential threat to my meager existence. It's hard to wear clothes. I keep wearing the same pants & sweatshirt because everything feels awful on my skin. Haven't read a book in a week. Even when I feel good, I can't focus. Sometimes it feels like my body isn't mine, or like I'm dead. I went for a walk after work today & the only word I can use to describe it is "corpselike."
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02/05/2024 / City pop, city pop, city pop. I CAN'T STOP THE LONELINESS. I made chicken & rice soup after school today & danced in the kitchen & went on a walk & danced down the street. I coded a page for my site, as in I decorated it, made a layout. It was fun & refreshing. I think it looks cute & whimsical. I'd like to be more playful with things here. This website is a living thing & I'd like to treat it that way.
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02/03/2024 / Another cheeseburger from work, delicious & when I came home, I made more eggs & rice, this time with soy sauce & ginger instead of tsuyu, because my sister asked me to cook for her. It was so good she ate the leftover that she meant to bring with her to her dorm tomorrow. I picked up two more teas from the store after work, & bath salts, lavender scented. I read more of Mythology by Edith Hamilton in the bath, but got frustrated by how difficult it was to highlight excerpts. I started some laundry & cleaned my room, which took no time at all. Even slowly & methodically, it took less than five minutes. My sister said it's so austere it looks like an asylum, which I object to. I think it's quite comfortable. She also said that "[I] don't even care about [my] ugly hair," & that's the closest someone's come to understanding me in a while.
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02/02/2024 / Fast food from work, some of my uncle's birthday cake, a cup of coffee that I downed very quickly: No wonder my stomach is upset.
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02/01/2024 / Still not talking to my mom. My dad got a new car. Made breakfast for dinner.
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01/31/2024 / Leftovers, M+Ms & cacahuates japones from the convenience store, a small Dr. Pepper Slurpee that I could not finish, egg drop soup, iced Passion Tea. I feel kind of bad. Maybe because I work tomorrow... I watched two movies today.
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01/30/2024 / Breakfast rice, bruschetta & buttered parmesan noodles, the rest of my coffee jelly
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01/28/2024 / My stepmother who I seldom write about despite living with complained about the delicious chicken pot pie I spent an hour or so in the kitchen making for everyone. I took a bath after my meal & because the bathroom shares a wall with the kicthen, I overheard her complain to my dad that I didn't put peas in the pot pie, to which he replied that I made something I liked. Then figuring that no good could come of eavesdropping on a conversation about me, I yelled out from the watery confines of the tub that I don't like peas, so I didn't add them to the pot pie that I cooked. Their voices then fell to a whisper, but I could tell by the tone that my dad was scolding my stepmother. She had the audactity to tell me that she likes peas though, which doesn't matter to me, obviously, because why would I add something to a meal that I'm preparing that I hate? I said nothing to this, but I would like to say here that I view my stepmother as pathetic, which is why I so rarely bother to metion her here. She criticizes & nags me about the minutiae of everything that I do, & it's because she's jealous of me & makes everything a competition. I feel bad saying this, but in my heart of hearts, the one I bury so I can get along peaceably with everyone around me, I hate everything about this woman. I truly see no good in her. She's one of those sorts who thinks she knows everything, when she doesn't. She knows far less than me, which is rude to say, but the truth. As I made my pot pie, she even insinuated that I was doing it wrong, despite following the recipe. Aren't you supposed to brown the chicken first? No, I boil it with vegetables. In a way it is a compliment, because now that she's chosen to bother me about my cooking, I understand that she recognizes that I'm good at it.
It may seem trivial that I'm writing about something so petty, but I listen to this all day, every day; It's the only interaction I have with this woman who I have no kind feelings toward. I hate her. I hate her. Imagine a little ghost, no, a ghost is too good, imagine a little dog yapping unsolicited critiques at you all day long, even though you are a person & are obviously far more capable than a dog. Now imagine that if you acknowledge anything about how the dog's only interactions are passive aggressive with you, the dog will threaten to divorce your dad. Now imagine still that this dog, this stupid fucking dog, does this all day & no one, no one, no one acknowledges it. & imagine one day your dad pulled you aside & told you that this dog thinks that you think it's stupid, to which you say Yes, I do think the dog is stupid, & that you need to pretend the dog is right all the time. & imagine that I'm being literal, because he literally told me to just pretend this woman is right, because she can't handle being wrong. I can't wait to never speak to this woman again. & if she comes over to my house, I'll nag her about fucking spoons & where she puts her drink down & I'll tell her her clothes don't fit her right & then ask to borrow them. Yeah, that's how jealous she is. She constantly makes remarks about my appearance & then asks if she can borrow my clothes. She doesn't even realize what she's doing. I really mean it when I say that there is nothing I like about her. She has a habit of threatening to divorce my dad to make him cry, which strikes me as abusive, & she told him that if he wanted to stay married, that he'd have to throw me out, to which he refused. & I'm supposed to pretend to like her. I really think that she is scum, filth, & I think the only reason they're married is that my dad can't afford a divorce.
I thought this would make me feel better, but upon writing this I only feel more angry. My jaw hurts from clenching it. She is disgusting.
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01/27/2024 / Self discovery: I have learned that Vashti loves ginger.
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01/26/2024 / Double fast food day: Burger at work & Chick-fil-a for dinner! Yippee! It’s even better because I’m not paying for any of it! We’re going to eat at 8:00 PM, so I’m going to do schoolwork until then, like the diligent student that I am. Started reading Mythology by Edith Hamilton. A line or two betrays its age, but so far I very much enjoy it. Got chamomile tea from the grocery store. I forgot to make my bed this morning.
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01/25/2024 / No more coffee at night for me, or perhaps no more coffee at all for a while, unless it's decaf. No sleep but not feeling tired at all.
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01/24/2024 / I tried a Big Mac for the first time today- too much bread & the sauce is a bit too tangy for my tastes, but not bad.
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01/23/2024 / Have begun to love working, writing, by candlelight these past few days. Rereading The Secret History by Donna Tarrt, a very good book. Obsessed with this new album: Kokou no Gadan by Kyojaku. Instant favorite. Have settled into a school bag for the new semester, a reusable Snoopy tote bag, think of the square shaped reusuable bags they sell at the grocery store. It's the perfect size for a binder, & wide enough that I can fit lots of snacks to bring with me. Back has been sore & I have felt tired, but happy. Maybe this is what it's like to not feel depressed. I didn't realize how great my suffering was last autumn until I was able to look back at it from a high place. I'd like to learn to bake bread & have been wanting to study Judaism more seriously. Maybe I will eventually learn to bake challah.
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01/17/2024 / Back to school today, in the school library as I write this. I neglected to write this yesterday, but... WE FOUND MY PASSPORT! After cleaning out the entirety of my room, I came to accept that I really did not have it, that I would have to pay for a new one, pay to expedite it no less. Seeing me clean, my father decided to clean out his bedroom & in it they found my passport. Why was it in there? It doesn't matter, because I have it now. I have it & I don't have to pay several hundred dollars for a new one. I have it & I don't need to ask for a ride to the post office, because my dad wrecked the spare car. Procrastination has paid off yet again.
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01/14/2024 / Been listening to Japanese city pop. I CAN’T STOP THE LONELINESS- Anri. One last episode of The Last of Us & then we don't get to watch it till my sister comes back home weeks from now.
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01/13/2024 / My book light came in the mail. I've had maybe a hundred or so dollars in Amazon gift cards that I've accrued but have not spent & I've finally made my first purchase, a book light that I desperately need. I never really shop online, especially not from Amazon. The only other thing that I've ever bought from there is a Roblox gift card for my little brother months & months ago, but I'm not showing anyone by not using my myriad of gift cards that I've amassed. I have nothing else that I want or need though. Maybe I will buy a Lego set, by which I mean I will look at one for months & not order it. I spent some time building a knock-off mini lego brick chicken today. Not done yet.
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01/12/2024 / Continued watching The Last of Us & my father & I cried while watching it.
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01/11/2024 / Back at work & watching The Last of Us with my dad & sister. It kind of feels nice to be included in something they're doing.
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01/08/2024 / Bought a ticket to see Kikuo in concert, along with some other people, but I don't care about them. Ate fried eggs on rice & couldn't find the curry powder. Played Style Savvy & won the Elite Contest, actually felt emotional when the credits started playing. Thinking of making a planner. I want to rewrite my about page soon too, & the landing page.
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01/07/2024 / I made egg drop soup today. It was delicious, quick to make. I've been in the mood to cook for a while. I want to spend my days eating delicious food. Spent the past couple of days cleaning out my room. Feel as though I'm becoming ill, but I feel mentally good, strong. Think I'm going to shave my head soon. Driver's test in a few days, nervous, but alright.