123, 123, 123
  1. Ganymede Marc-Antoine Barrois
  2. Lost Cherry Tom Ford (Several people have told me this would be a good scent for me, I wonder why.)
  3. Holy Hell Universal Flowering
  4. Green Tea Elizabeth Arden

Recommended to me

Japan trip

In carry-on:

In luggage:

To-do:

Souvenirs:

  1. Stop waiting for responses.
  2. Talk to yourself in others' absence.
  3. Solitude that is involuntary is just loneliness; there's a necessary grace & perspective to it.
    (Otherwise you're just a lonely little girl again.)
  4. All good things are voluntary.
  5. Stop waiting for someone to come & save you, even if that person is you.
  6. Stop waiting for the word documents to load.
  7. Idleness & doing nothing are not the same; leisure & doing nothing are not the same.
  8. Don’t let yourself get electrocuted in your cage,
  9. but most importantly, no matter what: don’t see yourself as the electrocutioner.
  10. And don't cry about your birthday this year.
  11. Bless the gutters
  12. & keep the faith.
  1. Tell anyone who makes a comment- good or bad- to stop commenting on your body. Be antagonistic.
  2. Understand that the idea of a beautiful body is completely made up. An example: In the Roman empire, large breasts on a woman were unattractive. The ideal breast at the time was “the size of an apple.” Another example: Foot-binding.
  3. Feel pity for people who are concerned with their appearance.
  4. Refuse to wear makeup.
  5. Remember that thinness/fatness is not at all related to the idea of virtue.
  6. Don’t let them sell to you.
  1. Stop vomiting and hemorrhaging money
  2. Have a sleep schedule
  3. Have any sort of schedule, or routine, or ritual
  4. Check your blind spots
  5. Find words for things; focus on writing
  6. Stop listening to other people’s problems; your mind is too thin to catch them right now, like people plummeting off of a building & through a tarp, like the woman who killed herself on that car & the bastard who took a photo
  7. Try to think before you speak... You've been talking a lot & later you may regret sharing so much; be careful with your words; it's better to go in than out; remember what Rilke told you
  8. Avoid unnecessary obligations; withdraw yourself
    9. “So why don't you abandon them? / Let yourself be free / This world is bigger than / What we always believe in / So why don't you try to fade out / From your dream of dreams? / Try to take the other risks / Your life should not be like this”
  9. Reign in your fantasies & hold them close for a while
  10. Allow unfettered activity so long as it does not interfere with: 1) School or 2) Sleep
  11. Maybe move towards something, instead of pinching your skin or using your hands the wrong way; Ask yourself: What should we use our hands for?
  1. Work quietly & try.

    2. As long as you try, you can fail & I will love you regardless. “The soul is a huge thing : maybe [you] just scraped its knee.”

  2. Continue to pursue solitude.

    3. I read Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke this month, twice actually, & his advice to embrace solitude has saved my soul. My soul is a tattered & stained dishrag & his writing sewed some of its pieces back together, enough to go on.

  3. Stop being so preoccupied with the future.

    4. I have my acceptance letter, my scholarships, my plane tickets & that’s enough. I’ve done the work. I can enjoy myself without thinking so far ahead.

  4. You don’t have as much time as you used to & you need to choose what is most important to you.

    5. Writing & everything falls second to that. (Writing for no one!) Then reading & walking under the open sky. Really read. Read a lot. Read under the open sky.

  5. Authenticity above all else; existing in the open.

    6. Authenticty is the antidote to shame.

  6. Love your suffering.

    7. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it's all you have.

  1. Start reading again, a book a week
  2. Do enjoyable things, even small ones like video games (I don’t think I’ve played any since January)
  3. Seek out emotion in art & in the mundane world around you
  4. Consistent wake up time & bed time: 12-2 AM & 9 AM
  5. Stop distracting yourself, look at the world & at yourself, even if it’s painful
  1. Do not commit (physical) suicide.
  2. Do not commit (philosophical) suicide.
  3. Get out of bed when you wake up. Don't lay there for half an hour.
  4. Read books again. Eat vegetables. Change your clothes. Write words down.
  5. Stop getting dirt under your nails in your search for meaning.
  6. Stop being so combative. It only causes more self-anguish.
  7. Nothing matters, so quit worrying about it.

I read this & felt so… down, so slogged down, that I tried to list ten things that had dazzled me & had given up at four. This was before the rain & before the rainbow, & out of character for me. Here in my bedroom, right now, I can list ten things easily:

  1. The flicker of the candle.
  2. My white blankets.
  3. The weight of my body on this bed.
  4. My sore feet.
  5. The soft lavender scent that has followed me since my bath.
  6. How tired I feel.
  7. The howl of the train that will inevitably come.
  8. The book sitting next to me, waiting to be read.

    9. And of course:

  9. The smell of the rain on pavement &
  10. the double rainbow.
  1. Continue reading & continue cooking.
  2. Take up studying Japanese.
  3. Make "bad" drawings & focus on the expression of feeling rather than form.
  4. Make an effort to write outside of your diary pages: Write longer pieces (like you are now), write poetry, do something new, because who knows what you will like? You'll only find more of yourself to explore.
  5. Make an effort to pray & to read tarot.
  6. Continue extending patience to those around you. It's only proved to serve you well.
  7. Keep treating your future as though it is fast approaching, because it is.
  8. Abandon other's standards: Wake up when you want to wake up, sleep when you want to sleep. No planners if you don't want one. Don't try to be anything but yourself.
  1. I cooked 1 ½ cups cold rice (from the fridge) in a large pan on the stove, coated with vegetable oil. The rice was cooked last night, but I wanted it to become crispy.
  2. Occasionally stirring the rice, I cut up a few green onions. Upon having eaten my breakfast, I wish I added more.
  3. I then beat three eggs and some mentsuyu in a mug.
  4. I poured the mixture into the rice & scrambled it, adding the green onions after the eggs had cooked a bit.