I think God would like an empty church with just a priest performing Vespers to himself (& to Him). When I went today it was just me, another parishioner, and Father A_n. It was empty so I could see the icons well. Even though it was just us I stood in the back. I'll have to ask Father A_n what he does when no one shows up to the service, if he still does it. I'd be sad if he didn't. I wonder if it loses meaning in how routine it is.

Mood: Numb & suicidal.

The choir's Psalter smells just like a childhood book of mine.

Mood: Absolutely nothing.

Jesus Prayer, “Lord have mercy,” Our Father, etc. It calmed me down.

Weird stomach pains.

Mood: Numb, but able to move.

Losing track of my thoughts mid-prayer.

Mood: Angry.

I want to kill myself.

“How are you?” “Same as ever.” “Is that good or bad?”

A few people asked me to stay after church for lunch, but I left. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I was told to read the Gospel of Luke first.

Mood: Same as ever. (Miserable.)

My Bible made my back more sore.

Mood: Almost feeling.

I had a dream about the song The Hidden River of My Life.

Cried without a sense of relief.

Mood: Deeply suicidal.

Fitful sleep & gagging.

Mood: Tired, overwhelmed.

Too busy for emotion or God.

Mood: Alright (?)

No more late nights after this. Respite. Email Father A_n tomorrow. My body has weird pains.

Mood: Too busy to feel; Alright (?)

Didn't go to Vespers tonight because I didn't want to see anyone. Thought about skipping church tomorrow because I don't want to see anyone, but I won't. I still haven't written Father A_n back.

Sudden tearfulness. Hiding from the world.

Mood: Acutely suicidal.

I kissed the cross today. Father A_n was right; it was good to talk to people after the service. I left feeling alright.

Mood: Desperate.

Mood: I was too tired to write. (Retroactive.)

In class today, for the upcoming holiday the children wrote an A-Z list of what they were thankful for. Many of them wrote God or Jesus. I wish I could have faith that simple & innocent; faith on a child's worksheet.

Mood: Nothing; self disgust; I don't know.