Vashti's dream diary, (What could be going on in that subconscious of hers?)
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I had a dream that I missed an important school deadline. I was desperately trying to avoid consequences for it. This dream bothers me more than most others that I've had because of how plausible it is. There's no symbolism to be found here.
It was a lecture on pigeons.
Dream one: I was watching the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with my mom.
Dream two: I was trying to drown someone in a bathtub.
I was sitting toward the very back of a plane surrounded by strangers. I felt sick to my stomach. I was having a panic attack.
I had a bad dream where I saw my work schedule & saw that I worked every day next week.
I work tomorrow. Only five hours. I feel like I can barely handle that. My boss asked if I wanted more hours & I told them no. My other boss asked how I was & I said if one more thing happened to me I felt like I was going to quit on the spot. They asked what was wrong & I said I don't know, maybe it's just me that's wrong.
I was being chased, at first light-heartedly & then with genuine malice. Someone wanted to hit me.
As I was running around with increasing desperation, I was invited to a birthday party I walked in on, to which I refused. People I knew were there. My brother was there. I told them no. They asked again. I told them no. I ran away to go hide, running with hands on the asphalt, in the neighborhood, my mom's neighborhood, but the party was not at her house.
Urgent thought upon waking up: "Imagine that you are not able. Imagine that you are not a horse.”
I had a dream that someone printed out my diary, a college admissions counselor or something, & told me it was so well written & all I could feel was immense discomfort & fear at the fact they had connected those thoughts to this person.
I felt ashamed of myself, deeply ashamed.
Another dream: I was playing a game with someone & they said to describe where I am without saying where I am. I said I was in Hell.
I was pulling my teeth out, but painlessly. I pulled out most of my back molars, but still had enough teeth in that my smile wasn't affected. (I realize now that of the teeth I pulled, there were too many canines. So many pointed teeth came out of my mouth, but I left all of my canines in, so that part was untrue to life.) I put the teeth in a cup so I could put them back in later, but someone took my teeth & made them into beads for a necklace.
Fleeing the country with a passport & some other papers. I took my diaries with me & it felt like they were a hindrance, but I couldn't leave them. Someone asked me incredulously if I brought all of them with me, & I did.
I have an upcoming school assignment in which I need to spend a certain amount of hours at an elementary school, volunteering my time in classrooms. Last semester, I had a panic attack before the first one & got sick to my stomach before every single one after that, debilitatingly afraid. Last night, I had a dream that my classroom hours went well, that I got along with the children & the teacher. I'm accepting it as a good sign, & that I'm ready to move on from last semsester's circumstances.
Embarassing to admit, but I had a dream some nights ago, between whenever I last recorded my dreams here & now, that I showed this poem I had written to someone, maybe multiple people, & was told it was horrible.
I really wanted to buy some Snoopy candles, but I also really wanted to save my money: self debate.
I had this dream while sleeping in a Snoopy shirt.
I wish I could articulate the setting I found myself in, distinctly dreamlike, but still mundane in many aspects: I went to the movies, the pharmacy, the grocery store, a small bedroom. People would run up to me, calling me by a different name, & see that they must’ve been wrong when there was no flicker of recognition in my eyes. I knew little about myself, not knowing where I came from, beyond vague inklings & preferences. Despite this I had friends somehow, & a lover, people who cared about me dearly.
In someone’s dim bedroom, myself a visitor in the place, I was overcome with a flash of remembrance: I’ve killed myself 99 times & have come back each time. I need to reach 100. I need to kill myself again. I don’t mention it to anyone, but get a sick feeling in my stomach. It must’ve been important, to remember this fact across lifetimes, to have killed myself over and over and over again, to have been reincarnated that many times, giving up my memories. I think about it, but I don’t want to do it, even though I think I should. I feel like I should, that it’s deeply important, a crucial mission, that if I do it, I’ll understand everything. It should be easy, but I hesitate. There are people who care about me in this place, people I care about in return. I have a life where I can use the word “love” freely. I don’t think in any of my previous lives I could express love in any capacity; never a visitor and only a traveler with no attachment to my existence. Maybe I’d lived that way on purpose, but love makes you forget things, & so I forgot.
In light of this revelation, I don’t mention it to anyone, because of this feeling of shame, & of being fraudulent: What would they think of someone who’d killed themselves 99 times over? Would they see this reincarnated self as a counterfeit one? I stay quiet & then I wake up.
I think I had a dream about Ancient Greece, but I don't remember very well. Someone talked to me right after I woke up, which I hate, because it gets in the way of me remembering my dreams.
I was an inventor & created a smallish box, maybe the size of a toaster or so, that could duplicate anything its size or smaller. I spent my dream running around hallways of a school, trying to keep it from being stolen. I could use it to duplicate money & never have to work again.
Swimming through dark, choppy waves, night sky above. People yelling at me*, but I'm not hearing them, or not heeding them: Trying to warn me, trying to tell me that I'm being chased, though there's no hope. Being pursued by a giant sea serpent, brightly colored, like a poison dart frog- neons on black. First it's behind me, then ahead of me. Being eaten, but it's not a nightmare.
*I often have dreams about people who are not really me, but who I refer to as me, because I know what they are thinking & because I am not present in the dream. I'd compare it to being a third person narrator, sometimes omniscient, but more often than not following an unfortunate figure, normally with little control on my part, just observing, like a ghost.
As I was laying down for bed, I suddenly remembered this beautiful dream I had: Snow, beautiful snow. Pink & lavender & periwinkle, a reflection of the sky above. No words. So scenic. So idyllic. I hope I can go back tonight. My little brother was there.
It reminded me of this painting by Nicholas Roerich: And let us not fear (And we're not afraid) 1922
It's probably because I've been reading Greek myths lately, especially before bed, but I had a drea that I had hoodwinked Death himself: Without realizing that it was Death that I was following, he'd taken me up to a space station, & as we were looking down over the Earth, I told him that I'd like to go back now. He told me I couldn't & then I realized, ah, I'm dying. This is what death is. I told him that I'd really like a souvenir, what with it being my first time in space & all, & talked him into taking me back down to Earth, so I could buy some stupid touristy T-shirt. When I was returned to Earth once more, I was alive & well again & he had realized what he had done, but didn't try to kill me a second time. Life went on like usual, though in my hours cavorting with death, I had missed school. I realized my dad was probably waiting at my school to pick me up & here I was, on the side of the road, miles away, & that he probably wouldn't believe me if I'd told him I had died & come back to life.
I spent the last hour of sleep in this weird half asleep half awake state where I had fallen back asleep & didn't realize time had passed when I finally woke up again, but anyways, I had a dream that I was eating an elk & it seemed important somehow... Huge hunks of red flesh in a pot.
Someone came really close to accidentally burning my childhood stuffed animals with a candle. My long dead childhood dog was there & peed on my carpet, to which someone started laughing, but I told them it wasn’t funny at all, it just meant my dog was getting old.
I had a dream that a man had crawled through my window & was standing above my bed, ready to kill me. I held my breath & pretended to be asleep, telling myself that I should scream, I should lunge, I should do anything else. I woke up intensely afraid after such a simple, generic nightmare, the most scared I’ve been in a long time. Something visceral. The silhouette of my old chair made me think there really was someone in my room, & I peeked at it from under the covers like a child. I wished that I could shake someone awake, so they could tell me it was alright, but I’ve reached the stage in my life where I can no longer wake my parents up & have no one laying beside me at night to wake up. In short, I am alone. I also think that I’m more prone to nightmares than the average person.
I had a dream that I was discussing art with someone, & I told them that the important thing about art is that it stirs something in us.
I don’t remember my dreams from this morning, but I do remember that I had several dreams within dreams, like a matryoshka. The only dream from last night I can recall is that I was admitted to some sort of fancy college & was feeling as though I didn’t belong with all of the rich people who surrounded me, out of my league, inadequate. Rococo style architecture. I saw my old English teacher. I blame it on reading The Secret History for two or three hours before falling asleep. I’ve found that my dreams are pretty malleable, easily influenced by my readings. When I was reading Crime & Punishment, I had a dream where I was wandering Petersburg in a haze of self loathing.
Two dreams, mundane & silly: 1) I went for a walk with my sister & took a Sonny Angel with me, I think my tiger one. I was dressed in an outfit silly by even my standards, wearing a lot of different gingham prints & a giant blue fur coat. It was snowy outside, but not real snow, as close to snow as we get here, which is just patches of ice on the ground. She broke my Sonny Angel beyond recognition & I was so angry I cried.
2) We went boutique shopping or something, to which I said “I don’t have the money for this” in every shop we went into. Eventually though, after a strange elevator ride & a walk through some underground hallways, I stumbled into this clothing store that had a box of used Sonny Angels for very cheap & I was very happy, & then I woke up & realized it wasn’t real.
Not sure why Sonny Angels are consuming my subconscious. My only guess is that I was pondering something my sister said to me a few days ago, telling me I was like a monk but with naked babies (Sonny Angels) now that I’ve given my things away & now that I’m going to shave my head. It was nice to have some harmless dreams.
I had a dream that I had a rash, that I was allergic to something in the woods, I think a plant. I was insistent, telling my family, my father, that something was wrong, that I needed to go to the doctor. They wouldn’t listen, till I lifted up my shirt & found that the flesh underneath looked as though it belonged to a burn victim. I couldn’t tell which part of my torso was which; It was just valleys & folds of red flesh that looked moist & glistening, weeping. It hurt to peel my shirt from my skin, like peeling yourself off of a leather seat on a hot summer's day. It was disgusting. I only remembered my dream as I was laying in the bath, looking at my body.
I had a dream where I was very happy so I kissed my friend E on the cheek & squeezed her shoulder, excited about something. I wonder if she's going to receive some good news soon? That's how the dream felt to me.
I am staying with my family in Oregon right now & I had a dream that they were planning to cook & eat me. We weren't here, we were somewhere else, in a city with streets & stalls, & I think something hit me on the head, in the face. Maybe it was them & they did it on purpose. It was a gash on my forehead & my eye, I think the left one. Someone grabbed my han & pulled me away from them & we ran & ran until we reached somewhere underground, but still a city, an underground city & it was filled with people with battered faces like me. I was dazed & in a stupor & the person who grabbed me & dragged me away said I'd need to hide down here where no one can find me. My benefactor was a man, which is odd, because I don't normally dream about men, let alone touching one. The scene panned away from me us as if it were a movie & my aunt & uncle were saying that they'd have to go look for me, or hoped that at the very least someone put me out of my misery. It was as though they were talking about a dog.
I was wandering the streets of some European town, city. It was a city actually. A big, historical one. I think that maybe it was in Russia, only because I was thinking of Crime & Punishment as I fell asleep. I wandered the streets aimlessly, full of self loathing. I wandered into an art school & found that I knew someone there. My throat felt itself close in jealousy when I saw these art students & their friends. I left the art school & continued to wander the streets.
A lot of scrambled dreams. I had two very distinct ones, but can only remember one right now. Lisa & I were classmates & we were going to see a movie together. Because I don't know what she looks like or how her voice sounds, I did not see her, didn't conjure up a fake dream version of her, & she spoke & I understood her but heard no voice. We were going to see The Boy & the Heron together. I suppose I dreamed that because we were talking about it in our emails together. As we made our plans, I realized that I'd have already left for my trip when we were planning to see the movie. Some other classmates, some of them actual ones from last semester's classes, invited us out & I was worried that now Lisa would know my real name.
I was in this game show kind of thing, and I was a young boy by the way, but also Vashti. Anyways, it was a game show where you break into another contestant’s house to find things before a time limit. It was one family against another. This was a holiday themed episode, so we had to look for Christmas decorations in the other family’s house. The other family was up first & the other boy on the team was asking me for hints before they ransacked our house, but I just smiled, because I hid one of the decorations, a snowflake, under my shoe. I think I was cheating. I woke up after that. I have a lot of dreams about thievery & stealing.
I had a dream that I slept in until 1:00 PM & was very late for work. I didn’t have my phone, but I somehow contacted them & they said that since my shift ends soon anyways, I could just stay home. I relaxed & got comfortable & then I actually woke up & realized that was a dream & I have to go to work.
Just remembered the dream I had last night: Someone used my stamp collection! They took my stamps off of my favorite Hello Kitty stamp sheet & used them to send mail & I was fucking irate.
As I was taking a walk tonight, I suddenly remembered a glimpse of the dream that I had last night. I wonder if that's how other people remember their dreams? A lot of the time it's after I've woken up, quite a while after I've woken up.
In my dream, I was holding a woman's arm. I had my hands wrapped around her bicep & we were walking together. I think it was dark & I think I was afraid. It was romantic though, I think.
I was talking to someone about Banana Yoshimoto’s work. We spoke about her by name, so I remember it. They said they didn’t like Moshi Moshi. I was a bit annoyed by this, but acquiesced. Then I asked if they at least like Goodbye Tsugumi. They said they liked Goodbye Tsugumi, but didn’t like Kitchen. I was shocked & thought that they had bad taste, but I was happy that they at least liked Goodbye Tsugumi. I think I would’ve ended the conversation if they’d said otherwise.
I had a dream about zombies, but the zombies were barely the main focus. We, (my family?), went to hide in a comic book shop of all places. Despite it being the apocalypse and all, they still had clerks & a manager & were taking money & the lights were on & functional. I think they even were hosting a board game night- It was business as usual. Over by the cash register, they were selling my favorite sriracha chocolates. I thought I deserved some considering the end was upon us & all.
I have work in a couple of hours & I had a dream that I was at work, a very angry dream. I woke up clenching my jaw. All I really remember is the feeling of wanting to beat a customer with my fists
Before that dream, I think that I had a nice one, because when I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep to keep dreaming that dream, but now I can’t remember it. It’s right on the edge of my memory, right outside being visible, like movement in the corner of your eye.
I had this dream where I was at this library, well kind of a library, kind of a museum. You had to pay to enter, but I didn’t. I was with this girl & she grabbed my hand & we dashed through the door so we didn’t have to pay for tickets. We sat somewhere upstairs & there were lots of windows in the building, but it wasn’t very bright. We sat at a small table with books, which led me to believe that it really was a library.
My friend, my actual friend from my actual life, came & I introduced her to the girl. I think she was my girlfriend, maybe. I felt like she was my girlfriend when she was holding my hand. I don’t know if I’ve ever conjured up a dream girlfriend before, now that I think of it. My dreams normally involve people from my waking life or if I do conjure up a dream person, they tend to be older women. I don’t know why.
My friend was in a nun’s habit, complete with a cross necklace. I think the reason I dreamt of that was because last night, I saw a picture of a Calico Critter wearing a custom-made nun outfit. I think that was the one that my friend was wearing.
I had my friend sit down with us & talk to this mystery person. I was affectionate with her- My friend, not the imaginary dream girl. I think that I was worried that the imaginary dream girl would get jealous or get the wrong idea. In my dreams, I’m normally really affectionate with everyone. I hug & kiss everyone regardless of whether or not we have that relationship in my waking life. When my friend sat down, I wrapped one of my arms around her. I’d tell my friend, because I normally tell people when I dream of them, but I don’t know. I’m not sure how to broach the topic of kissing her in my dream, you know? It wasn’t like it was sexual or anything, but even though she’s my best friend, maybe some things are best left unsaid, yeah?
I’m not sure what else happened. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant or unpleasant dream. I suppose that it was nice to visit with my friend in my dream, but normally the dreams I remember are extremely good or bad or confusing. This one was just a dream, a meaningless one I think. I'm suprised that I remembered it.