Vashti's dream diary, (What could be going on in that subconscious of hers?)

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The early morning of 02/21/2024

I had a dream that I missed an important school deadline. I was desperately trying to avoid consequences for it. This dream bothers me more than most others that I've had because of how plausible it is. There's no symbolism to be found here.

It was a lecture on pigeons.

The early morning of 02/20/2024

Dream one: I was watching the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with my mom.

Dream two: I was trying to drown someone in a bathtub.

The morning of 02/19/2024

I was sitting toward the very back of a plane surrounded by strangers. I felt sick to my stomach. I was having a panic attack.

The morning of 02/17/2024

I had a bad dream where I saw my work schedule & saw that I worked every day next week.

I work tomorrow. Only five hours. I feel like I can barely handle that. My boss asked if I wanted more hours & I told them no. My other boss asked how I was & I said if one more thing happened to me I felt like I was going to quit on the spot. They asked what was wrong & I said I don't know, maybe it's just me that's wrong.

The morning of 02/16/2024

I was being chased, at first light-heartedly & then with genuine malice. Someone wanted to hit me.

As I was running around with increasing desperation, I was invited to a birthday party I walked in on, to which I refused. People I knew were there. My brother was there. I told them no. They asked again. I told them no. I ran away to go hide, running with hands on the asphalt, in the neighborhood, my mom's neighborhood, but the party was not at her house.

The morning of 02/15/2024

Urgent thought upon waking up: "Imagine that you are not able. Imagine that you are not a horse.”

I had a dream that someone printed out my diary, a college admissions counselor or something, & told me it was so well written & all I could feel was immense discomfort & fear at the fact they had connected those thoughts to this person.

I felt ashamed of myself, deeply ashamed.

Another dream: I was playing a game with someone & they said to describe where I am without saying where I am. I said I was in Hell.

The morning of 02/12/2024

I was pulling my teeth out, but painlessly. I pulled out most of my back molars, but still had enough teeth in that my smile wasn't affected. (I realize now that of the teeth I pulled, there were too many canines. So many pointed teeth came out of my mouth, but I left all of my canines in, so that part was untrue to life.) I put the teeth in a cup so I could put them back in later, but someone took my teeth & made them into beads for a necklace.

The morning of 02/11/2024

Fleeing the country with a passport & some other papers. I took my diaries with me & it felt like they were a hindrance, but I couldn't leave them. Someone asked me incredulously if I brought all of them with me, & I did.

The morning of 02/10/2024

I have an upcoming school assignment in which I need to spend a certain amount of hours at an elementary school, volunteering my time in classrooms. Last semester, I had a panic attack before the first one & got sick to my stomach before every single one after that, debilitatingly afraid. Last night, I had a dream that my classroom hours went well, that I got along with the children & the teacher. I'm accepting it as a good sign, & that I'm ready to move on from last semsester's circumstances.

Embarassing to admit, but I had a dream some nights ago, between whenever I last recorded my dreams here & now, that I showed this poem I had written to someone, maybe multiple people, & was told it was horrible.

The morning of 02/07/2024

I really wanted to buy some Snoopy candles, but I also really wanted to save my money: self debate.

I had this dream while sleeping in a Snoopy shirt.

The morning of 02/05/2024

I wish I could articulate the setting I found myself in, distinctly dreamlike, but still mundane in many aspects: I went to the movies, the pharmacy, the grocery store, a small bedroom. People would run up to me, calling me by a different name, & see that they must’ve been wrong when there was no flicker of recognition in my eyes. I knew little about myself, not knowing where I came from, beyond vague inklings & preferences. Despite this I had friends somehow, & a lover, people who cared about me dearly.

In someone’s dim bedroom, myself a visitor in the place, I was overcome with a flash of remembrance: I’ve killed myself 99 times & have come back each time. I need to reach 100. I need to kill myself again. I don’t mention it to anyone, but get a sick feeling in my stomach. It must’ve been important, to remember this fact across lifetimes, to have killed myself over and over and over again, to have been reincarnated that many times, giving up my memories. I think about it, but I don’t want to do it, even though I think I should. I feel like I should, that it’s deeply important, a crucial mission, that if I do it, I’ll understand everything. It should be easy, but I hesitate. There are people who care about me in this place, people I care about in return. I have a life where I can use the word “love” freely. I don’t think in any of my previous lives I could express love in any capacity; never a visitor and only a traveler with no attachment to my existence. Maybe I’d lived that way on purpose, but love makes you forget things, & so I forgot.

In light of this revelation, I don’t mention it to anyone, because of this feeling of shame, & of being fraudulent: What would they think of someone who’d killed themselves 99 times over? Would they see this reincarnated self as a counterfeit one? I stay quiet & then I wake up.

The early morning of 02/04/2024

I think I had a dream about Ancient Greece, but I don't remember very well. Someone talked to me right after I woke up, which I hate, because it gets in the way of me remembering my dreams.

The early morning of 02/03/2024

I was an inventor & created a smallish box, maybe the size of a toaster or so, that could duplicate anything its size or smaller. I spent my dream running around hallways of a school, trying to keep it from being stolen. I could use it to duplicate money & never have to work again.

The morning of 02/02/2024

Swimming through dark, choppy waves, night sky above. People yelling at me*, but I'm not hearing them, or not heeding them: Trying to warn me, trying to tell me that I'm being chased, though there's no hope. Being pursued by a giant sea serpent, brightly colored, like a poison dart frog- neons on black. First it's behind me, then ahead of me. Being eaten, but it's not a nightmare.

*I often have dreams about people who are not really me, but who I refer to as me, because I know what they are thinking & because I am not present in the dream. I'd compare it to being a third person narrator, sometimes omniscient, but more often than not following an unfortunate figure, normally with little control on my part, just observing, like a ghost.

The morning of 02/01/2024

As I was laying down for bed, I suddenly remembered this beautiful dream I had: Snow, beautiful snow. Pink & lavender & periwinkle, a reflection of the sky above. No words. So scenic. So idyllic. I hope I can go back tonight. My little brother was there.

It reminded me of this painting by Nicholas Roerich: And let us not fear (And we're not afraid) 1922

The late morning of 01/31/2024

It's probably because I've been reading Greek myths lately, especially before bed, but I had a drea that I had hoodwinked Death himself: Without realizing that it was Death that I was following, he'd taken me up to a space station, & as we were looking down over the Earth, I told him that I'd like to go back now. He told me I couldn't & then I realized, ah, I'm dying. This is what death is. I told him that I'd really like a souvenir, what with it being my first time in space & all, & talked him into taking me back down to Earth, so I could buy some stupid touristy T-shirt. When I was returned to Earth once more, I was alive & well again & he had realized what he had done, but didn't try to kill me a second time. Life went on like usual, though in my hours cavorting with death, I had missed school. I realized my dad was probably waiting at my school to pick me up & here I was, on the side of the road, miles away, & that he probably wouldn't believe me if I'd told him I had died & come back to life.

The late morning of 01/30/2024

I spent the last hour of sleep in this weird half asleep half awake state where I had fallen back asleep & didn't realize time had passed when I finally woke up again, but anyways, I had a dream that I was eating an elk & it seemed important somehow... Huge hunks of red flesh in a pot.

The late morning of 01/28/2024

Someone came really close to accidentally burning my childhood stuffed animals with a candle. My long dead childhood dog was there & peed on my carpet, to which someone started laughing, but I told them it wasn’t funny at all, it just meant my dog was getting old.

Several January dreams

I had a dream that a man had crawled through my window & was standing above my bed, ready to kill me. I held my breath & pretended to be asleep, telling myself that I should scream, I should lunge, I should do anything else. I woke up intensely afraid after such a simple, generic nightmare, the most scared I’ve been in a long time. Something visceral. The silhouette of my old chair made me think there really was someone in my room, & I peeked at it from under the covers like a child. I wished that I could shake someone awake, so they could tell me it was alright, but I’ve reached the stage in my life where I can no longer wake my parents up & have no one laying beside me at night to wake up. In short, I am alone. I also think that I’m more prone to nightmares than the average person.

I had a dream that I was discussing art with someone, & I told them that the important thing about art is that it stirs something in us.

I don’t remember my dreams from this morning, but I do remember that I had several dreams within dreams, like a matryoshka. The only dream from last night I can recall is that I was admitted to some sort of fancy college & was feeling as though I didn’t belong with all of the rich people who surrounded me, out of my league, inadequate. Rococo style architecture. I saw my old English teacher. I blame it on reading The Secret History for two or three hours before falling asleep. I’ve found that my dreams are pretty malleable, easily influenced by my readings. When I was reading Crime & Punishment, I had a dream where I was wandering Petersburg in a haze of self loathing.

The morning of 01/17/2024

Two dreams, mundane & silly: 1) I went for a walk with my sister & took a Sonny Angel with me, I think my tiger one. I was dressed in an outfit silly by even my standards, wearing a lot of different gingham prints & a giant blue fur coat. It was snowy outside, but not real snow, as close to snow as we get here, which is just patches of ice on the ground. She broke my Sonny Angel beyond recognition & I was so angry I cried.

2) We went boutique shopping or something, to which I said “I don’t have the money for this” in every shop we went into. Eventually though, after a strange elevator ride & a walk through some underground hallways, I stumbled into this clothing store that had a box of used Sonny Angels for very cheap & I was very happy, & then I woke up & realized it wasn’t real.

Not sure why Sonny Angels are consuming my subconscious. My only guess is that I was pondering something my sister said to me a few days ago, telling me I was like a monk but with naked babies (Sonny Angels) now that I’ve given my things away & now that I’m going to shave my head. It was nice to have some harmless dreams.

The morning of 01/15/2024

I had a dream that I had a rash, that I was allergic to something in the woods, I think a plant. I was insistent, telling my family, my father, that something was wrong, that I needed to go to the doctor. They wouldn’t listen, till I lifted up my shirt & found that the flesh underneath looked as though it belonged to a burn victim. I couldn’t tell which part of my torso was which; It was just valleys & folds of red flesh that looked moist & glistening, weeping. It hurt to peel my shirt from my skin, like peeling yourself off of a leather seat on a hot summer's day. It was disgusting. I only remembered my dream as I was laying in the bath, looking at my body.

The morning of 12/21/2023

I had a dream where I was very happy so I kissed my friend E on the cheek & squeezed her shoulder, excited about something. I wonder if she's going to receive some good news soon? That's how the dream felt to me.

The morning of 12/17/2023

I am staying with my family in Oregon right now & I had a dream that they were planning to cook & eat me. We weren't here, we were somewhere else, in a city with streets & stalls, & I think something hit me on the head, in the face. Maybe it was them & they did it on purpose. It was a gash on my forehead & my eye, I think the left one. Someone grabbed my han & pulled me away from them & we ran & ran until we reached somewhere underground, but still a city, an underground city & it was filled with people with battered faces like me. I was dazed & in a stupor & the person who grabbed me & dragged me away said I'd need to hide down here where no one can find me. My benefactor was a man, which is odd, because I don't normally dream about men, let alone touching one. The scene panned away from me us as if it were a movie & my aunt & uncle were saying that they'd have to go look for me, or hoped that at the very least someone put me out of my misery. It was as though they were talking about a dog.

The morning of 12/11/2023

I was wandering the streets of some European town, city. It was a city actually. A big, historical one. I think that maybe it was in Russia, only because I was thinking of Crime & Punishment as I fell asleep. I wandered the streets aimlessly, full of self loathing. I wandered into an art school & found that I knew someone there. My throat felt itself close in jealousy when I saw these art students & their friends. I left the art school & continued to wander the streets.

The morning of 12/09/2023

A lot of scrambled dreams. I had two very distinct ones, but can only remember one right now. Lisa & I were classmates & we were going to see a movie together. Because I don't know what she looks like or how her voice sounds, I did not see her, didn't conjure up a fake dream version of her, & she spoke & I understood her but heard no voice. We were going to see The Boy & the Heron together. I suppose I dreamed that because we were talking about it in our emails together. As we made our plans, I realized that I'd have already left for my trip when we were planning to see the movie. Some other classmates, some of them actual ones from last semester's classes, invited us out & I was worried that now Lisa would know my real name.

The morning of 12/03/2023

I was in this game show kind of thing, and I was a young boy by the way, but also Vashti. Anyways, it was a game show where you break into another contestant’s house to find things before a time limit. It was one family against another. This was a holiday themed episode, so we had to look for Christmas decorations in the other family’s house. The other family was up first & the other boy on the team was asking me for hints before they ransacked our house, but I just smiled, because I hid one of the decorations, a snowflake, under my shoe. I think I was cheating. I woke up after that. I have a lot of dreams about thievery & stealing.

The morning of 12/01/2023

I had a dream that I slept in until 1:00 PM & was very late for work. I didn’t have my phone, but I somehow contacted them & they said that since my shift ends soon anyways, I could just stay home. I relaxed & got comfortable & then I actually woke up & realized that was a dream & I have to go to work.

The morning of 11/29/2023

Just remembered the dream I had last night: Someone used my stamp collection! They took my stamps off of my favorite Hello Kitty stamp sheet & used them to send mail & I was fucking irate.

The afternoon of 11/23/2023

As I was taking a walk tonight, I suddenly remembered a glimpse of the dream that I had last night. I wonder if that's how other people remember their dreams? A lot of the time it's after I've woken up, quite a while after I've woken up.

In my dream, I was holding a woman's arm. I had my hands wrapped around her bicep & we were walking together. I think it was dark & I think I was afraid. It was romantic though, I think.

Some snippets of some vague November dreams

I was talking to someone about Banana Yoshimoto’s work. We spoke about her by name, so I remember it. They said they didn’t like Moshi Moshi. I was a bit annoyed by this, but acquiesced. Then I asked if they at least like Goodbye Tsugumi. They said they liked Goodbye Tsugumi, but didn’t like Kitchen. I was shocked & thought that they had bad taste, but I was happy that they at least liked Goodbye Tsugumi. I think I would’ve ended the conversation if they’d said otherwise.

I had a dream about zombies, but the zombies were barely the main focus. We, (my family?), went to hide in a comic book shop of all places. Despite it being the apocalypse and all, they still had clerks & a manager & were taking money & the lights were on & functional. I think they even were hosting a board game night- It was business as usual. Over by the cash register, they were selling my favorite sriracha chocolates. I thought I deserved some considering the end was upon us & all.

The morning of 11/16/2023

I have work in a couple of hours & I had a dream that I was at work, a very angry dream. I woke up clenching my jaw. All I really remember is the feeling of wanting to beat a customer with my fists

Before that dream, I think that I had a nice one, because when I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep to keep dreaming that dream, but now I can’t remember it. It’s right on the edge of my memory, right outside being visible, like movement in the corner of your eye.

The morning of 11/15/2023

I had this dream where I was at this library, well kind of a library, kind of a museum. You had to pay to enter, but I didn’t. I was with this girl & she grabbed my hand & we dashed through the door so we didn’t have to pay for tickets. We sat somewhere upstairs & there were lots of windows in the building, but it wasn’t very bright. We sat at a small table with books, which led me to believe that it really was a library.

My friend, my actual friend from my actual life, came & I introduced her to the girl. I think she was my girlfriend, maybe. I felt like she was my girlfriend when she was holding my hand. I don’t know if I’ve ever conjured up a dream girlfriend before, now that I think of it. My dreams normally involve people from my waking life or if I do conjure up a dream person, they tend to be older women. I don’t know why.

My friend was in a nun’s habit, complete with a cross necklace. I think the reason I dreamt of that was because last night, I saw a picture of a Calico Critter wearing a custom-made nun outfit. I think that was the one that my friend was wearing.

I had my friend sit down with us & talk to this mystery person. I was affectionate with her- My friend, not the imaginary dream girl. I think that I was worried that the imaginary dream girl would get jealous or get the wrong idea. In my dreams, I’m normally really affectionate with everyone. I hug & kiss everyone regardless of whether or not we have that relationship in my waking life. When my friend sat down, I wrapped one of my arms around her. I’d tell my friend, because I normally tell people when I dream of them, but I don’t know. I’m not sure how to broach the topic of kissing her in my dream, you know? It wasn’t like it was sexual or anything, but even though she’s my best friend, maybe some things are best left unsaid, yeah?

I’m not sure what else happened. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant or unpleasant dream. I suppose that it was nice to visit with my friend in my dream, but normally the dreams I remember are extremely good or bad or confusing. This one was just a dream, a meaningless one I think. I'm suprised that I remembered it.

A couple of October dreams I had but didn't record
I had a dream I was shoplifting at Barnes and Noble. My sister was there, so I spent a lot of time trying to avoid being caught by her. I think I stole a Tokidoki figurine of some kind. It was a hyper-realistic dream that adhered completely to the waking world. The imaginary store's layout was absolutely consistent throughout & I would often slink back & forth trying to find blindspots throughout my dream; It was like a stealth level of a video game. After I finally finished shoplifting, I exited the store to the top floor of a mall. The mall was clean & sleek & I felt happy after having stolen. I was in a hurry, because my sister was waiting for me at another store, I think a Hot Topic.

I was in the car with my math professor & it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I knew that she was my professor, but I didn't think of it that way. We were riding in her car, to class I think. Another dream where I had class at night, too. It was sunset when we, well she, was driving. I remember it because the sunset was so beautiful. It was still at that stage where it was mostly orange. It was really intense. I don't remember exactly what we were talking about, I think my future plans.

The morning before work of 10/14/2023
Teaching observation dream. I guess I'm anxious about my upcoming one. That being said, the dream was really boring. It was a dream about feeling bored.

The late morning of 10/10/2023
I had two dreams, both harmless & a bit silly. Dream One: Myself & another girl were thieves & were going to rob this museum that was in this really large, tall, historical house. That's unimportant though, the important thing is that Vashti could fly! The caveat is that I was afraid of heights. The girl, my partner in crime, told me to go fly somewhere & I told her no fucking way & she asked why & I said I was scared of heights. She was dumbfounded. She asked how I could possibly be afraid of heights as someone who could literally fly & I told her sorry, my fears don't really have any logic or reason. It felt pretty silly.

Dream two: My mother dropped my sister & I off at Starbucks to get coffee. (I'm assuming that this dream came about because last night I was on the phone with my sister talking about Thursday's plans, & we agreed to meet at a Starbucks near her dorm). I knew where we were, but it didn't look the same as it usually did. The entire coffee shop was rearranged & slightly off. They took a really long time to make me a drink, so I threw a hissy fit & they gave my sister & I free iced matchas. Well, I bought them but they were also free, which doesn't make sense, but it's what happened. Then I came to the horrible dream realization that I was one of those fuckers at work who bitch at me when I have no control over how busy things are. I felt extreme dream embarassment. Then I woke up.

The morning of 10/08/2023
I've had very bad dreams lately, so bad that I have not wanted to record them, & I have forgotten the majority already, so what's done is done. I did have an interesting dream last night though, that I will try to describe as accurately as possible, because I found it to be heavy with importance: I was walking to our childhood park, & went past it, into the woods. There's this small forest path & the one in my dream was true to the one in my waking life. As I walked further though, the ground suddenly deepened, almost as though the ground made a spiral staircase deep into the earth. I descended & it grew dark & the only light came from a faint green glow that grew more intense. I found myself standing above two people fighting violently, and I thought that these people were me. They struggled violently, until one fell & melted into this pile of flesh & viscera & skin. They were full of holes & were dying. The other party had thought they were the victor, but the nearly slain puddle, well pond, of holes & flesh & organs & eyeballs had this large lotus flower that had stopped up their bleeding. It was miraculous. But then the pile of flesh reached an arm & yanked the lotus flower from themselves, root and all, out of their most grievous wound where it had grown, & they burst into a shower of blood & emerged unscathed & well again. It was a violent rebirth.

The late morning of 09/30/2023
Had some harmless dreams; I dreamt that I had school or something in this industrial park. I remember the feeling of laying on metal grates. It wasn't uncomfortable somehow. E was there & we were speaking to some sort of unknown third party. I told this third party that my house was infested with roaches, but also told them I had no home, so maybe dream Vashti was in the business of telling lies. I don't think so though, I remember distinctly feeling annoyed with this other person. Then I had school at school, not quite my school, but close. The lights were dim & it was the middle of the night, maybe dusk, but I think it was too dark for dusk. I left class because I'd thought it was over & then when I realized my mistake, I came back & my professor marked me as late, even though I'd only stepped out for a few minutes into the dim hallway & then the impossibly dark outside. There was something sinister about what was outside, but I wouldn't consider this dream to be a nightmare. My dream self knew that something was off but held no fear. I don't remember what our dream lesson was about, but I recall that it was meandering & the room was near empty outside of me, a few students, & the prof. Everyone was absent for the night class.

The morning of 09/28/2023
I woke up feeling anxious & sick. I had a dream that my parents finally threw me out, well half threw me out. See, they locked the door & wouldn't let me in, but after I'd found a place to stay they played it off like it was some type of mistake and it was my fault for misconstruing things. It was the middle of the night when I'd been locked out, kicked out, & I had no money & for whatever reason, it didn't occur to me to call E, what I'd actually do if that had happened. I wandered the streets of my neighborhood, (my actual neighborhood by the way, a perfect dream replica), like a despondent ghost. Anyways, after wandering for a while, I was given a place to stay by some strangers. It was small & we lived like that for a while & I was very happy. In my dream, I'd overcome the need for my parents. When they came looking for me, I didn't falter. They tried to blame me, but I wasn't tricked by their duplicity.

The late morning of 09/23/2023
Slept very poorly, multiple nightmares. My legs were shot & slashed & then, well there's no point in writing about gratuitous violence, I'll leave it up to your imagination. Things like that are best forgotten anyways, I'd say.

After that gore filled nightmare, I went back to sleep & had a considerably less scary one: Next Wednesday, tomorrow, late to school because I took the bus. Then I started looking around the school for an elevator or stairs, because my class is on the second floor. But my school was too big & it was more like a hotel, a fancy one, or an episode of Scooby Doo.. suits of armor standing up & women in dresses & men in suits & they're holding champagne & coffee & I'm sprinting around trying to get upstairs & these men, security guards keep telling me that I can't be in here & I'm thinking to myself All of this to get to my fucking math class?

The late morning of 09/19/2023
Dreams of Animal Crossing & chess... I was in my ACWW town Lilypad & things were somewhat low poly & strange, because I was in a video game of course. What I'd really wanted was to make my own chess set. I think I stole chess pieces from someone, but couldn't find a king or a queen. I held the pieces tightly, my hands forming fists, or at least as much of a fish you can make when your hand is surrounding handfuls of chess pieces.

The morning of 09/18/2023
I was in bed with this woman, she was lying on top of me. It wasn't in the sense that she was on top of me because we were having sex, she was literally just laying on top of me like a cat. (Or I'd imagine that's how cats are; I have a phobia of them so I've never actually let a cat lay on me. I think I'd literally rather be stabbed, as long as I knew I wasn't going to die or something. Logically, having a cat lay on you is probably better than being stabbed, but I think my body, my mind, would allow me to get stabbed before allowing a cat on me). I was myself, but not. I was also a man, but not really. And I didn't look like me, I looked like someone else. This woman was laying on top of me & I could feel her hot breath in my ear till I got up. I was telling her how we're in dire straits here, mortal ones. Who knows what that was about? I think we were on the lam. The house we were staying in was remote & not quite a house, smaller than my grandfather's shack. It was cold, the floor was cold on my bare feet as I stepped out of the warm bed & out from under the warm lady with her warm breathing. I was fully clothed, but not. I stepped into the kitchen, the place was so small it was attached to the bedroom, and I was talking about the debt we were in... I suppose we could be on the run from debt collectors, but I felt like I had no true intention of paying off these debts, I think they were literal ones, just ready to make a token effort & run away again. I step outside & it's green & wet & we're somewhere remote, like Alaska. I'm talking about how I was spending my money on frivolities like a $19 toothbrush & she tells me that's exactly what she wants from the store, gives me the same imaginary brand of toothbrush. I smile & roll my eyes a bit. As I step outside, I run into this older lady, a neighbor, or townperson rather, and she's giving me a strange look & carrying fish, five fish, giant ones, bigger than my forearm, probably bigger than my arm-arm. & she offers me a bloody fish & I think it's a salmon, though it doesn't quite look like one, but by dream logic I knew it was a salmon & I half declined her offer, though really I did want that salmon. I felt suspicious, but not necessarily of her, of everyone. Before we could speak more about the giant, bloody fish, I woke up.