I) I often think of the worldly & otherworldly not as having a boundary between the two to be crossed, but like two veils, overlapping one another, both equally true. There is a threshold where one ends & the other begins, but it is indistinguishable to me. The mundane & the spiritual are synonymous in my (veiled) eyes.

II) The first threshold that came to mind was a rainbow, any rainbow will do. Each & every one overtakes me with a sense of jubilation, of exultant happiness. It’s a cure-all and one of the only things that I ever take as a sign of God.


On writing, January 29, 2024

I was thinking that I should finally print out my digital diary for safe keeping, & found that since April 10, 2023, I have written 163,015 words in my diary, which is about 232 single spaced word document pages at 11pt font.


Yeah, no, I’m doing good.
Yeah, I’m doing good.
I was thinking about what to say to you in the bath
& I poured too much bubble bath in & it filled the whole tub.
I liked it. It made me feel like Marilyn Monroe
Normally I feel like Ophelia & imagine myself
dead in the tub,
don’t know where that came from.
When I was a kid, I used to imagine
that I was dead in my bed
so I could fall asleep at night.
Sometimes I’d even cross my arms,
you know, like a cartoon corpse.
These days I’m much healthier:
I pretend I’m a jellyfish, something
that lacks control, that is acted upon.
But when that doesn’t work, I pretend I’m whale fall.

When the whale dies, you know
it floats to the surface &
gasses build up & it,
it bursts before it falls.
Sometimes I feel a certain frothing at the chest,
but less dramatic than that,
more meek,
like vomit catching at the base of the throat
or the inability to cry.

When I burned my hand at work, I didn’t cry-
didn’t even cry out.
I just sort of looked at it like a dog.
What does that mean?
Oh, well there was this dog that I read about, you know,
& this lady in the book, she frees this dog,
because it was locked in a shed
by this man
and the man would hit the dog
and he wouldn’t feed it
& the lady, she frees the dog
& she talks to the dog and tells him to run.
I think he follows her home, maybe,
but when he hears the man calling
he runs right back to get beaten.
The lady doesn’t understand it.
I’ve felt some self recognition.

Oh, you want to know about my job?
Not the book?
Oh that’s right, I lent it to you, but you didn’t read it.
Yeah, I’m still working at the same place.
Yesterday, this man said he couldn’t tip me
& I told him it was okay & he said sorry again &
I told him it was okay &
& then I realized, why am I comforting him?
The whole thing, his whole schtick, it was so…
self serving? & he wouldn’t drop it.
We went back & forth a few times until I was clearly annoyed
& I think the guy took it that I was annoyed
because he didn’t tip me, but I was annoyed that he kept bringing it up.
I told him it was okay,
but no one listens to me for some reason.

But yeah no, I’m good. I’m good.
Nothing new.
I took a bath today.
I think I sat in the tub for twenty minutes? That’s a new record for me.
Lately I haven’t been able to sit alone with my thoughts.