09/30/2023 / 12:16 PM
Good morning beautiful, cruel world! I say 'good morning' because Vashti slept in until 11:00 AM today. I just figured that I normally work on Saturdays, so I'm always up early & I won't have the chance to spend a Saturday sleeping in for a while. I slept really well, too. I feel good, strong, well rested. I was planning on eating my coffee ice cream for breakfast, but decided I'd go out with myself for coffee & breakfast & save my ice cream for dinner. The diner I frequent is always really busy this time of day, so I'll go in a few hours. I like going when it's (mostly) quiet. I can't wait to get my usual order: Eggs Benedict & a choco chip pancake on the side. I always finish the eggs, but however much of the pancake I eat varies each time. It's because I always start with my eggs & then when I'm finished I move on to the pancake. I don't normally like eating multiple foods at once. I normally eat my main course & then one side at a time. Well really, I start with what I like the most & go down the list. I don't normally like having any type of flavored drink with my meal; I always go for water. Sometimes I'll go for a hot coffee or an iced coffee, but it's pretty rare.
Not quite sure what to do with myself at the coffee shop... I have some world lit work to do, I'll play Wild World, & then maybe I'll play around on here. I'll do something I've been meaning to do but haven't. Sometimes I wait for inspiration to strike, but inspiration's capricious & that doesn't always work, so sometimes I just do something despite how I feel. I'm speaking about artistic inspiration, but this applies to motivation too. A lot of the time I just make myself do something that I don't want to do, because I rarely feel motivated, & it's almost like a jumpstart; I begin & then it's easy. It's so strange, but most of the time I just need to start. It's the most difficult part for me.
09/29/2023 / 11:50 PM
Okay, as Vashti writes this she feels totally normal, totally calm & I actually mean it. In a way that feels more concerning than if I still felt bad; Like I think it would be more "normal" to not go from the throes of anxiety to total calm in the course of a day, but oh well. Vashti's not totally normal & that's all right. Whatever. I am over it! But I really do mean it. Though, I've woken up really anxious the past few mornings so it may happen again tomorrow. The only thing to do is to steel myself. I can deal with the feelings of dread just fine, it's the physical part of it that is out of my control. Well, I can calm myself down & then it's kind of in my control. I can't tell if I'm saying that because I think it's good to say that you have control of things & I want to believe it or if I'm saying it simply because I want to have control, you know? Whatever. I'm over it! Till tomorrow at least.
I met E at the thrift store & brought her her drink & before we went in, I stuck my backpack in her car. I don't even know why I mentioned that, but hey, I did. Then we went shopping together & at this point I was already feeling alright again. Really I felt alright before I even met up with her. My head just felt funny for a little bit. & I don't mean emotionally, I mean physically it felt weird. I felt lightheaded which is very normal for me, but I also felt like the inside of my head was vibrating. It's hard to describe, but if you've ever gone off of antidepressants & felt that electrical feeling sensation in your head, it was like that, only I haven't gone off of any meds, so who knows? E actually felt sick too, which was odd. She had me watch her cart so she could go to the bathroom & she was gone a while & when I asked her what was up she said she felt like she was going to puke but didn't. I guess it was an off morning for the both of us? I asked her if she was okay, but she said she felt alright again so we just kept on shopping away. I found this elephant bracelet that I wanted to get for her, but before I could grab it, she grabbed it! & I couldn't tell her Hey, I'm trying to birthday surprise you, so fork it over! Instead she just told me she found a cool bracelet & I went Haha, yeah, so cool, like it was made for you! But luckily she ended up putting it back because she didn't want to spend the money on it, so Vashti scooped it up & hid it in her cart... I guess I'll just list what we found? I'm not really sure how to go about writing about a shopping trip otherwise. I found this long red fur-lined winter coat that I got. I've never owned a real winter coat, because it's so warm here that I've never really needed to beyond those puffy jackets that you just throw on, but I'm going back to Oregon for a few weeks over winter break & need actual warm clothes. Did I mention that? I'll be in Oregon again once my classes finish for a little over three weeks; I'm spending Christmas there. My aunt & uncle bought my plane tickets, so it's already official. & speaking of them, I found these super sick bell bottoms in this multi-colored silk pattern that looked like they might fit me, so I picked them up & alas, they do fit, but not comfortably. My auntt is a talented seamstress though, so I asked her to make them fit me when I bring them up over break. Really I asked her to show me how to modify my clothes; She seemed really excited about the idea, she said I'd get "auntie sewing classes." I also found some sweaters in the men's section, cheaper than usual, our thrift store actually went way down in price. One of them is this nice argyle print, multi-colored, what's new there? Got some purple corduroy pants. Oh! And I found I think it's seven volumes of Fruits Basket singles in French, what the hell? I was thinking to myself, You know Vashti, you never ever find manga here, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to check, right? and there they were! E found some nice clothes, too. I found her this black jacket thing, well more like a pull over. I thought it looked really cool but gave it to her to try on, just because it was more her style I think. She tried it one & then gave it to me to try on, but I thought it looked nice on her & didn't want it anymore, you know? She's really small so she can never find clothes that fit her. She ended up getting that, two shirts (?), some Levis, some of these khaki shorts, & a necklace. I feel like I'm forgetting something, but oh well. I gave her the bracelet when we left & she seemed really happy. She was telling me how she wished her mom would call her but didn't. It made me sad to hear & I didn't really know what to say to help. Of all of Vashti's problems, that's not one of them.
After that excursion, we went to the mall by her house because she really wanted a Cinnabon. & then I told her I was almost positive there was no Cinnabon there, so she decided she wanted a cinnamon pretzel. We were in the car for twenty or thirty minutes & it was nice. We talked about when we first met. We met in an English class & we had to do this little activity on the first day where we talk to each other & introduce one another to the class. So she wrote down these little facts about me for the assignment, my name, my age, the fact that we couldn't figure out our zodiac signs & apparently she's kept that paper since then, she has it hanging on her wall. I didn't realize that she was so sentimental before. It's sweet. We also passed over a road where she almost hit a deer driving me home from class once. She didn't recognize where we were till I remninded her about that deer. We talked about how it felt so long ago & I agreed that it's felt like I've known her for a while. She said she was a completely different person than she was then & I agreed. I said I was a completely different person than I was then, but that I also feel like a completely different person than I was a month ago, & she said that every time she sees me I feel like a different person. I agreed. We got her cinnamon pretzel & you know what they didn't have? Vashti's most favorite, most delicious sour cream & onion pretzel. It's just gone now. I ate one for the last time & I don't even remember it. One time I asked one of my parents what getting older was like, I think it was my mom, and she said that you grow older & they discontinue your favorite foods. & then she said sometimes you grow even older & they start selling them again. That's always stuck with me, just the simplicity of it. Getting old isn't getting wise & it isn't getting tired & it isn't getting closer to death; No, it's when they stop selling sour cream & onion pretzels. That's more sad to me because it's more real. Death is hard to imagine, but outliving the things you enjoy, that's very real, something we've all likely experienced. Just more the reason to appreciate things though, you never know when it will end.
We sat in the mall food court for a really long while, just talking. It was nice. We talked about a bunch of things... I'd given her my copy of Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto & she loved it. That made me really happy. It's one of my favorite books, yeah, but I also just thought it was the type of book that E needed. She said it reminded her of home, too. It took on another layer of menaing for her, because she was telling me that when she read the line in English, she'd try to translate it back to what she thought the original Japanese was. She said that when we go to Japan, we can eat Katsudon at night together. We were talking & she accidentally called herself twenty till I pointed out that we're both twenty one now & she paused after the fact like she was in pain & she also does not take birthdays well. My birthday is probably the saddest time of the year for me, but I guess that's normal because E gets sad on her birthday too. & then I told her Hey, Vashti cries every birthday, so it's alright! & I said that every birthday is like this reminder that I'm going to die one day & then she said that she's not scared of dying so I asked her what could be scarier than dying to her & well, I guess some things should be kept private. I don't know. I don't mind talking about myself, but I try to think before I write about others on here, just in case. & then we talked about phobias & somehow E has not heard the tragic Vashti cat backstory, so I had to fill her in. As I said it her mouth just kind of hung open... I thought I'd told her, but she said that she thought I just disliked cats, not that it was a phobia. We talked about how we both hate swimming in the ocean & that we'll never do that & then she said when we go to Japan I have to swim in this river with her & jump off this rock into the water; E's quite the adrenaline junkie compared to me, but to be fair, I'm a scaredy cat who is a-scared-of-cats, so I'm not sure how she compares to a regular person. She said she'd teach me to swim too, 'cause I don't really know how. I can just sort of doggy paddle. She also said she wants to ride a horse, & I do too actually. When my grandmother was alive, she had horses for sometime & always tried to get me to ride them, but I was too scared, so she died & I just never did. It's a regret of mine.
After the food court we made a wish at the newly cleaned fountain, and am I allowed to say what I wished for? Will it still come true? We shopped around a bit, looked for these sneakers she'd been wanting since the last time we were at the mall months ago, & she brought me home. I gave her the deformed cheesecake & told her that she needs to tell me if it's bad, otherwise I'd make it for her again & again & again & she told me she didn't want to tell me my cake was bad, but I made her promise she would. I also gave her the card. She gasped when she saw it & asked if I drew it myself. I told her yeah, just don't read it in front of me, go home & read it & she understood. She texted later saying that the cake was delicious & she really meant it, but I don't know... There was the lingering smell of cheesecake in the fridge & it did smell pretty good, but it didn't look right. It was almost 6:00 when we were done hanging out, so I went for a walk & I don't even know what else. I took a bath actually, for the first time this month. That makes it sound like I have the bathing habits of a traditional medieval peasant, but you know what I mean, I normally shower. It was a hot bath too, as hot as I could get it. It made some of the dye bleed out of my hair & turn the water this color past lavender but before regular purple, but oh well; I knew what was coming when I ran that hot bath. Everything's transient, I can buy more hair dye & I'm not going to let hair dye get in the way of me taking a nice bath once a month. Oh, & I'm alone. My mom's on a trip & I'm at her place. I'm gonna get my little brother this weekend before my mom comes home. It'll be fun. I haven't seen him in two or three weeks, which is really, really long to me. Normally I hate being home alone, but I'm doing okay this time for some reason. I'm off this weekend so I'm just going to try to take it easy. I'm not sure exactly how I'm feeling. I guess I'll wait & see.
Oh, and when I went on my walk, so many of the clouds looked like angels to me. I normally see angels in the clouds. I wonder what others normally see?
09/29/2023 / 10:12 AM
E's late which I expected & normally don't mind, but when she's late it kind of makes me anxious & I woke up feeling very anxious. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach & my chest hurts. It feels tight. It feels like someone's stepping on it & leaning their entire weight onto it. In the car on the way here, I could taste bile or vomit rising up the back of my throat. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel good. I started crying before bed last night. I don't even know why. I feel sick. I'm waiting for her at a Starbucks & just got myself a water to sip on. My face feels hot. I don't want to be looked at. I feel self conscious. I feel like if a stranger looks at me then I'll puke. I'm not going to mention any of this to E though. Who would want to hear all of this on their birthday? Well, she'll probably be able to tell that something's wrong, so I'll just say I slept badly or something. That is true. I woke up before my alarm after only five or six hours of sleep & everything just felt wrong somehow. I've actually calmed down a lot. I don't feel as sick anymore. I think if someone asks me how I'm doing I'll burst into tears, but I don't feel sick. I've never understood the phrase 'burst into tears' until this exact moment. Just the pressure of someone's eyes or words is enough to make me burst & ooze tears like they're viscera.
I actually brought my Build A Bear frog with me today. I used to do that all the time. I just thought that maybe it would help.
09/29/2023 / E's card
I finished E's birthday card; I drew her one. I couldn't think of a card that I could possibly buy to show her how I feel, so I just tried to draw how I feel. It may not be the best drawing, but I think I drew the truth. My note for her ended up getting so long that I had to get another piece of paper & even then I feel like I could've kept on going. I just told her how thankful I was that she's my friend. I really am. I actually started crying as I was writing it. I didn't mention that in the card. I think it's just how happy I am to know her paired with my other already strong emotions boiling in my chest. I feel like a wreck. I've felt on the verge of tears for days. Everything just feels really intense. I don't really have anything more to say. I feel as though I'm unravelling a bit. I doesn't feel good. I feel like I need someone bigger than me or better than me or stronger than me to tell me that it's all fine.
09/28/2023 / 5:08 PM
I had a bad dream last night & woke up with this tight feeling in my chest. Anxiety. I found it hard to get out of bed & just laid there a while awake, until I really had to get up if I wanted to bake E's cake before work. I think that I botched the cake, really badly. It's supposed to be a cheesecake but came out looking like creme brulee, with this brown char on top of the cake. It smelled good, I think, but it looked cursed, like eating it would take seven years off of your life. I felt sick when I woke up & sick as I made the cake & sick as I smelled the cake bake in the oven. I figured that it was all in my head & went to work anyways & I was right.
Work was fine, good actually, but I still felt off, though could you say that Vashti's ever on? I'd say that I felt wound up, but it was more the opposite, I felt like pushed down, like their was some type of weight in my chest that I was lugging around. Someone asked me what working at [Redacted Fast Food Place] was like & I told them it was grating to the soul. I guess that's not the answer they expected, because they asked me to repeat what I'd said, but they nodded gravely when I repeated myself in assent. Then they asked why I don't work at another fast food place & I said the money wouldn't be as good, which is true. Then I said it's not forever & in a couple of semesters I probably wouldn't be working anymore & they told me how good that was, & they meant it genuinely. The way people look at me when I tell them that I'm in school, that I have my night class after this shift is so different, like they have hope in their eyes instead of pity. It just transforms the way they look at me; I am something else in their eyes the moment they hear the word 'school' escape my mouth... Also talked about my teaching wardrobe with this teacher that comes by pretty often; She got a good laugh when I told her I was trying to find some conservative knits to wear to my school observations. Then she pointed out that our marquee was misspelled, to which I began laughing. Got to practice my Spanish some more. Some construction workers came by & most of them only speak Spanish. It's fun though, it's like a mini game for Vashti, & they always tip me & they're always so impressed with my rudimentary command over the most basic of Spanish phrases & fast foods. The only part where it gets difficult is when I read them their total; My first instinct is to always say the number in French.
The day itself was calm, but went by quickly enough. I worked with this girl Z, she's always interesting to talk to. She told me I was the only person that she could have an 'intellectual conversation with' around here. We also talked about strange dreams & her recent tarot reading. She actually has a tarot reader, I only read my own cards, with the exception of that time I got scammed out of like $7 & was told to have a 'sunny disposition...' Vashti still remembers that $7. I could've gotten a coffee with that, a nice latte, maybe a Frappuccino, a chai, some matcha, but instead I got scammed.
I got off of work at 4 PM or so & got Starbucks before school. It got too loud for me, too crowded, so I left & went to class early. I'm just sitting in the empty classroom as I write this. I feel overwhelmed, sensory wise. I've noticed that it normally happens when I'm already anxious or worn down... At least there's a pattern, sometimes. Sometimes it's really just for no discernible reason. I still don't feel very good. I was telling this customer at work how I feel like something bad is going to happen, that it's not here yet but it's on its way & then I thought to myself Maybe they don't want to hear this from me as they're trying to get a cheeseburger for lunch... That being said, when strangers talk to you, just try saying whatever you want to them, what you really mean, not platitudes. It's really fun. You can have a lot of meaningful conversations that you wouldn't otherwise have that way. I was talking to one lady about how her two kids who were living with her had both finally finished school, she said seeing them do what they wanted made her happy but that it was so different, it was brand new & as transformative for her as it was them. Just try talking to people, & really mean what you say, it's nice.
09/27/2023 / 10:42 PM
E found me in the library & then we sat in her car while she ate her lunch. She gave me some gummies, the way a mom carries snacks around for her kid. She really likes kids, wants kids, so it's fitting you could say. Her food smelled good, but there was something off about it that I couldn't explain till she mentioned that she was going to wipe her hands with alcohol wipes because she had shrimp in her meal. (Vashti's allergic to shrimp). When we got into the car, it was pleasantly warm, like being under a heated blanket. I could've fallen asleep if I had an eye mask. We went to a nearby Goodwill afterwards, to find me some 'professional' clothes for my teaching observations, & just 'cause we both like to thrift. I was kind of tired & would've preferred to just sit somewhere quiet, but I didn't mind at all. She's someone who gets really tense & unable to unwind, (though she's gotten a lot better about relaxing since I've met her), so if she thought thrifting would be a fun thing to do after her test, then that was fine by me. Being in the car as she drove reminded me of when we first met & made me nostalgic for past semesters. I wish the drive were a little longer. That's what I think every time I get in the car with her. For some reason every time we're in her car together, it makes me really cognizant of the fact that these small & mundane moments are precious to me. If gas didn't cost money & E never got tired, I think I'd be happy to spend a day just sitting in her passenger seat.
We talked about that teaching program & she thought it was a good idea. It made me feel more self assured. I'm going to send over my transcripts this week to see if there are any classes I still need to take. We talked about my family. We talked about how she feels like she can handle things better than when we first met, during her first semester. She said she feels like she's doing more but is less tired from it. I agree. She said that she wants to revise her study habits, because she feels like she spends too much time on things. I can't really help her with that, but I agree. She often tells me how impressive it is that I can manage to get my work done so quickly. I wish I had advice to give her, but I think part of it is that my standards are just lower than hers. She gives everything her all, no matter what & I just don't. That;s not to say my grades are bad, I normally get an A, sometimes a B, but she's a near 4.0 student.
I kind of got distracted & don't really rememeber what I was writing about. Anyways, warm car, mundane moments are precious, Goodwill. This Goodwill is near our school & my house, but I seldom actually buy anything there, just because I never really find anything & Goodwill is more expensive than our usual thrift haunt. That being said, I found this pair of pink overalls, right? They were pink with this green pattern, but I really liked them, so I grabbed them to go try them on & do you know what the tag said, they still had their original tags & these overalls were originally $180. Yes, $180 USD, $200 CAD. What the hell? & do you know how much they cost Vashti? $8.95. What the hell!? They're from this brand called Anthroplogie. Vashti hadn't heard of it, but my mom started sputtering when I told her I found Anthropologie overalls new with tags in my size for $8.95, so I guess I just got very lucky! E found me this lovely dress, too, in this deep navy color. It ties in the back, which she knows I love, & it's the perfect height for me. It shows off my figure really well. I think others get the idea that I wear baggy clothes to hide my body, but it's really more of a comfort thing, physical, not psychological. I actually quite like clothes that tie at the waist & show my figure. E found this beautiful dress, too, purple & floral, with specs of black & white. It looked really nice on her & she looked so happy in it, like she was glowing; The thing was made for her. It was her height & everything, normally the clothes she finds are too long for her. It's really cool too because it buttons all the way from the collar to the bottom of the skirt- I'm fond of dresses that do that. I'm glad she found it. It's a pretty dress & it looks really good on her, but E herself just looked so confident in it. She never wears dresses or skirts, is very tomboyish, but she still looked like herself with the dress on. I also found this cool Ed Hardy shirt in the kids' section & luckily I can fit into a boy's large, so it went home with me. Also found a pair of black creepers. Apparently they're by this brand called T.U.K. I only know that because I looked up the term 'creepers shoes' to make sure I'd named them correctly & I found my exact shoes on the T.U.K. website. Found these heeled loafers too, kind of preppy, but more importantly, chunky; Vashti likes chunky shoes. & lastly, I found this sad, grey knit dress to wear to my classroom observations, very conservative, but surprsingly soft.
E dropped me home after that. We talked about birthday plans. I need to make her cake tomorrow morning before work. I just feel really tired right now. I don't feel up to it. It's not even physically tired, or tired in the sense of being sleepy, or even tired mentally; It's more pervasive than that. I don't know how to explain it. It seems like easy things are becoming hard again. I'm not going to be too hard on myself, though. I've been having a tough few days, my feelings were really hurt, that whole incident where I thought that I was getting thrown out was less than a week ago. I'm going to let myself feel upset. It's okay. There are some other things in my life bringing back old memories right now, so it's only natural that I feel off. I'm not going to pathologize things. I'm going to let myself rest, I will make her cakes tomorrow, and it'll be okay. I have work & school tomorrow too, but I took the weekend off to spend E's birthday with her, so I'll be alright. I don't have very much homework either. I'm just going to rest & treat myself gently. I'll acknowledge my memories & bad feelings without holding onto them, without carrying them around. I do think that I just want someone to hug me though. I'm not the type who likes hugs, either.
09/27/2023 / 1:34 PM
I'm at the library waiting for E; She has class till 3 something & I got done early today. Was texting my friend V. Texting her isn't that fun. She's my friend & I like her, but she doesn't really carry a conversation over text message at all. I also just feel the urge to talk to her less. I can tell we're growing apart, but it doesn't really bother me, so it's alright. I don't really feel totally comfortable around her, either. Back when we were still in school together, actually after, she'd text me & ask how I was doing. & I was really depressed so I'd tell her that I felt horrible, because what else is there to say? And then she told me that it's really exhausting to hear me say I feel bad each day. So I asked her, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to lie & say I'm feeling alright? & she told me no. So I asked what she wanted from me & she told me she didn't know. Ever since she'd said that our friendship hasn't been the same. I'd always worried that I was annoying to be around & she confirmed how I felt. I also just can't imagine someone telling me they're not doing well & saying that it's really tiresome to hear; I wouldn't do that. Especially because she was asking me, not the other way around. She's just a fair weather friend I guess you could say. I used to consider her my best friend but now we're more like just a step or so above aquaintances, but it doesn't actually bother me, you know? It's not really any sort of loss to me, I guess you could say. I didn't have any other friends though, well we shared some friends, but any close friends, so I'd figured that's just how friends are & that the best that I could hope for was someone who would barely put up with me. I felt that way till I met E. I'd say she's my first real, genuine friend. If I were to tell E that I felt horrible, she would be concerned, because that's what friends do. I feel like V just has this vague sense of obligation when she talks to me but doesn't actually want to... She also never really made very much time for me. I'm making this sound like I don't like her, but that's not the case, I do like her, she's just not the type of person that I need. I didn't really realize I'd felt this way until recently, either. My sister had always talked about what a lousy friend she was, my mom too, & I wouldn't hear it, but our relationship wasn't really reciprocal. If she weren't doing well, I'd try to help her. I'd go out of my way to do so. I don't think that she'd do that for me. And so I'd thought oh, maybe I'm expecting too much, but I don't know, we'd been friends for a decade at that point, you know? And I really used to hate myself, so I thought that oh, it makes sense that my friend is cold toward me, that's just what Vashti deserves & I'm lucky to have someone who will even talk to me. It wasn't until I'd become friends with E that I realized what a genuine friendship is like. I've known E for only a year or two but am much closer with her than I'd ever been with V, and that's okay I suppose. V would tell me that she's just not very expressive, that of course I was her friend, but I don't know. There's a difference between being affectionate & being there for someone & it felt like she did neither.
It feels strange to write all of this, but it's the truth. I guess it's just that she hadn't egregiously wronged me in any sort of way, so I felt as though by saying this I'd be ungrateful. That's something I have trouble grappling with... Am I being grateful enough? It's just another way of asking myself if what I'm feeling is acceptable, but I've decided to feel whatever I want, remember? My body is my body & my thoughts are my thoughts & I can think & feel whatever I want. No justifications are needed & things don't need to be 'bad enough' for me to feel bad. There's not a checklist I need to fill out before I can feel hurt by something. And this concept of being grateful for things, even things I don't like, even hurtful things, it's something I need to get rid of. By telling myself I should be grateful for something that I don't like, I'm telling myself that's what I deserve. If someone were to tell me that they don't feel close with their friend, that their friend has hurt them, I'd tell them of course they should move on, that they don't need to accept that. Then I put myself in the same situation & suddenly I'm coming up with a dozen reasons why I should put up with things that I don't like. Why? I have this idea ingrained that I'm less deserving than others. At least I can recognize it now. The only thing to really do is consciously combat these thoughts or feelings that don't serve me, that only cause me trouble or pain. Maybe I can't help this instinctual thought that I am somehow inferior, but I can help every though that comes after. I can help my reaction to it. It just feels like a lot of cleanup, I guess you could say. I'd say I wish I could just think nice, clean thoughts, but I accept all of my thoughts, even the horrible ones. No blame. Only acceptance. I can think & feel whatever I want.
09/26/2023 / The future
If you don't know, I've been attending community college & I'm approaching the point where I need to start thinking about transferring to get my four year degree. I've actually found a program that I'm seriously considering: You student teach during the day & attend classes at night, and rather than taking two years, it only takes one. In other words, it's extremely intensive. That being said, it's also half as much as a two year program, I'd spend twice as much time student teaching, & I'd have my degree in only one year, & because of my GPA, I can get a pretty good scholarship; I think that it's too tempting to pass up. Once I get my degree, I can finally move away & teach English somewhere. I'll have to quit my fast food job, which is actually just another pro for me. & because I'd be student teaching for an entire year, having this other teacher that I need to answer to & students I need to see every day would hold me accountable in case I ever get depressed again. The program has higher GPA requirements than other schools in the state, but my GPA is high enough that it won't be a problem for me at all. I think tomorrow I'm going to send my unofficial transcript & start the application process. Just think, two autumns from now & I'll be done with school... I need advice though. I'm spending the day after school with E tomorrow & I'll ask her for her opinion. I don't want to tell my family because they'll try to impose what they think is right or wrong on me. E will just try to help me see clearly.
09/26/2023 / 5:12 PM
I no longer feel disgusting. I took a shower & put on one of my purple dresses, a deep amethyst one that E found for me when we went thrift shopping once. The nice thing about shopping with her aside from the fact that it's her and she's my friend is that we're not the same size at all, so no jealousy regarding clothes & whatnot. If I find something nice, it's either in her size, in my size, or neither; No overlap there, no ambiguity, no need to fight for it. That being said, I can't imagine fighting with E over anything. I've known her for what? A year or two and I don't think we've ever even argued with one another. I'm sure that we'll get in a fight or an argument eventually, but I can't actually imagine it... About the dress though, it's one of my favorite clothing pieces. It's pretty plain as far as Vashti's wardrobe goes, which is kind of funny to day about a bright purple dress that looks like it belongs at a ren faire, but hey, it's the truth. That reminds me, last Tuesday I think, I was talking to E about how I felt silly wearing these black Croc platform sandals & she was laughing about how out of all of my outfit, I draw the line at black sandals. That's the thing though, I feel like black stands out more because most of my clothes aren't black, you know?
When I was getting in the shower, I glanced in the mirror which is something I haven't done in a while. I have a mirror in my room, but it's one of those long ones where I can just see how my outfit looks; It cuts off right around my shoulders unless I step really far back & try to see my face. The face looking back at me in the mirror was the same as it ever was, maybe a bit tired, but my eyes always look tired. It doesn't really matter how long I sleep, people will tell me I look exhuasted, perpetual dark circles under my eyes, you know how it is. One thing that has changed is that you can see my roots again & they look almost black. People normally think that my roots are dyed when they see them but Vashti's hair is just that dark naturally. I don't really mind when my roots begin to show. In fact I actually like it. It's just a sign of time's passage & that my body is well lived in.
As I was stepping into the shower, I saw this bug, maybe it was a roach, I don't know. I left it alone, because I don't kill bugs. It just makes me feel bad. A few weeks ago, I was complaining that there was another bug in the kitchen, because I've been seeing them a lot more frequently lately, and my dad asked me why I don't just kill them since I hate them so much. Killing them wasn't even a thought that had occurred to me. Just because I personally don't like something doesn't mean its stripped of its right to life, you know? I don't think being a human should make me the arbiter of bug mortality, deciding which shuld live & die based on my own preferences. They're not hurting anyone, so I don't mind them.
I'm at school now, waiting for class to start. Before class I stopped by the convenience store for chips & chocolate & then Starbucks for a drink. I was going to get my flu shot, but I think I'm going to do it a couple of weeks from now instead, because that would be a more convenient time for me to feel sick. Speaking of a couple of weeks from now, and next week actually, it seems that I'll have to do two of my teaching observations in the city, the one where my sister goes to school, the one where I'll have to take the train. It's kind of an absolute pain for me to go all the way to the city, but oh well. I figure I'll make a small day of it, get udon, go to Daiso, etc. Besides, I've actually come to enjoy the train. I'd always been scared of being on the train, because I saw it as a place without an easy escape, but ever since getting stuck on the train last month, I'm over that fear. Same thing happened when I was a kid, strangely enough. I'd been scared of elevators & got stuck in one at school & my fears went away. I'm scared of the airport, so I suppose next on the list is to get stuck at the airport.
09/26/2023 / 2:55 PM
I feel disgusting. Going to shower. And then play Wild World. Thinking about buying Harvest Moon; Do you guys think Vashti would like it? Or should I play Disco Elysium first?
09/26/2023 / 11:48 AM
I am experiencing a lot of messy feelings, but messy does not need to mean complicated, messy can be a bold & clear stain. Right now I know exactly what is causing my feelings & there is nothing complicated about it.
I'll have free time tomorrow, so I'll be making E's cake then, so it's more fresh. Well, I also think that I'm putting it off because I'm initimidated by the prospect of botching it. That's actually why I chose to make two separate cakes, what's the likelihood that I ruin two completely different cakes with completely different recipes? These messy feeling aren't about cakes, either, I wish my troubles came from cakes.
09/25/2023 / 9:57 PM
Not feeling well, mentally. Tired & I slept in until 10:45 AM today... School was only a haf day for me, too. Today was stressful. Not sure it's even worth writing about; I don't think it would make me feel any better. I feel stressed & discouraged. Maybe I feel a bit small. I feel lonely & somewhat needy. No need to use qualifiers, no forbidden emotions: I do feel small & I do feel needy. I feel unwanted, even though I know it isn't true. Nothing to do but pick myself up, but sometimes the floor is comforting. How much comfort do I need? Have to make E's cakes tomorrow. Bonne nuit.
09/25/2023 / 3:06 PM
I feel anxious. I have to speak with our education deptartment head on the phone because one of my school placements fell through; Waiting for her call. I shouldn't even be scared. I'm asking myself What if she's mad at me? but who cares? I haven't even met this woman before & I never will. And even then, she can't do anything if she's mad at me. She can't yell at me. She can't hit me. I need to relax.
09/25/2023 / 2:25 PM
Apparently that rain storm was actually a hail storm & it took out a bunch of trees. On my walk to the bus stop today, the sidewalk & roads were just blanketed with leaves that had been ripped off the trees last night. Dead animals, too. Two dead birds & a dead rabbit. I saw all of them in the span of a few minutes. Horrible. The rest of the walk was strangely warm. When I'd checked the weather, it said it was only eighty out, but the sun was just beating down on me. I felt like Meursault on that beach, minus the murdering a stranger part. I wasn't even wearing much either, a tank top & pants, but it was awful. I got to the bus stop early, because I always get to the bus stop early, & just sitting on that bench was uncomfortable. It felt like I was burning. It was weird.
I only had one class today, my math class, plus about ten minutes in my speech class. I was scheduled first for our speech assignment... Have a conversation with someone & be a good listener. I probably failed. It was really stiff & awkward & I kept forgetting to force myself to look at my speech partner. Oh well.
09/24/2023 / 10:10 PM
There's a thunderstorm outside my window. The windows are rattling. I came home after my movie & went for a walk. There was lightning, but no thunder & no rain. I just stood outside & watched the lightning for a while.
My mood is volatile. I think that a lot of old memories have been dredged up. Something about dredging, I once read about this island made out of sand dredged up from the bottom of the ocean. Maybe it's okay to dredge things up, but don't make an island out of it. Don't build a life on it. It doesn't need to be permanent.
09/23/2023 / Out On Sunny Sunday by Lamp
Vashti is okay. I am very sad, but I am okay, because both of these things can be true at once. No dichotomies for me.
I am listening to Out On Sunny Sunday by Lamp, a group that I very much like. I used to listen to it every Sunday, a little ritual, but stopped somewhere along that long line of Sundays. Right now though, I am at Starbucks & I'm listening to my song & I'm drinking a Frappuccino. You know, that entire fight that I'd had with my dad was 'cause I was driving us to Starbucks to get myself a Frappuccino. It seems really trivial, huh? It should have been at least. I decided to get myself one today. Maybe it's symbolic in a small way. I thought that I needed to get out of the house, because since our fight, all I've done is go to work & sit in my room. I had the conscious realization that that wasn't good for me, that I should get out of the house, be by myself. I'd asked E if she'd wanted to hang out, but she didn't pick up the phone. It's one of teh only times I feel like I really need her, too, but it's okay. She's probably just really busy. She can be too busy to talk to me & we can still be friends, no dichotomies.
I couldn't decide what to do for sure, if I should even leave the house. I guess my fears were that I'd spend this money on a day out & it wouldn't even make me feel better, but I've been too frugal lately. When I was manic, I spent a lot of money & it's scared me out of spending any more, even a reasonable amount. I thought about it though, and there is no point in having money beyond a certain point. I have enough money to pay for my classes, enough for anything unexpected, so I should enjoy myself with the extra money that I have. I struggle with feeling guilty over spending money on myself. It's something I haven't been able to fully overcome yet... I'd really wanted a distraction, so I checked what was playing at the local theatre & they're playing Howl's Moving Castle. I knew that it was meant to be & I gotta go out for the day, so here is Vashti's plan:
09/23/2023 / 9:59 PM
I can't even tell if what I'm feeling is an over reaction. I normally have a script for things & I have not had a night like last night before, so I have no script. Even though I feel horrible, I'll probably feel fantastic a week from now. I'll feel so good it's like my heart is radiating and my chest can barely contain it. And when I say that, you'd think oh, if you're going from sad to happy, they must not be very strong feelings. I think people see happiness and sadness as this line, with happiness on one end & sadness on the other, and maybe that's how it is for some people, so when they go from sad to happy, they're talking about the not-that-sad & not-that-happy feelings towards the middle of their line. That's not how it is for me, though. For me it's more like this really long U-shape, with severe happiness on one end, mania, and severe sadness, despair on the other. The two ends are very energetic. And then when you go to the bottom of the U, that's where apathy is, low energy. And so I can be at one of those high ends of emotion, despair, and I can hop over, step over, to exaltation like it's nothing, because the way I expereince emotion the two are right next to each other. I don't feel happiness & sadness as opposites; They're such close neighbors they share sugar & complain when the other doesn't mow the lawn.
I guess what I mean is that my emotions are so exaggerated that I struggle to take them seriously. No. That's not true. There's nothing about them that's being overstated or misrepresented. I shouldn't say things like that. Sometimes I have this scared feeling where I feel like I'm lying about how I feel for the sake of sympathy, and I'm somehow just not conscious of it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because no one takes the way I feel seriously, so I think that there must be a reason for that, a way that it's my fault? What I meant to say is that my emotions are extreme. They are more extreme than what others expereience, but they aren't any less true because of that. They may be a result of my mental illness, but they still aren't any less true because of that. I feel what I feel & there is no disputing that. Maybe my feelings can be unwarranted, but they are not any less true. They aren't any less true. They aren't any less true. & they're mine. I can feel whatever I want. My body is my body, every part of it, even the things I feel. I don't need permission from others to feel. I'm allowed to be hurt by things. I'm allowed to be hurt by things even if people like to move on like nothing happened. That's what always happens. Life goes on & my emotions are supposed to go on too, but they don't have to. I can feel whatever I want. Right? Don't answer that. I don't need permission to feel things.
09/23/2023 / 9:48 PM
Nothing to really say. I feel very low & very tired. I am no longer at a point where I'm crying, but I think I'd prefer that. Instead I just feel low. I feel as low as the ocean floor; I feel like whale fall. I feel like something that is being acted upon, the way a whale carcass is just eaten at until it no longer really exists in any meaningful way. I feel gross. I wish I could sleep, but I think I slept eleven or so hours last night. I'm just avoiding my dad. When I act, it's just a reaction. That's another way that I'm just a thing being acted upon.
09/23/2023 / 9:20 AM
I was supposed to be at work twenty minutes ago, and then the boss texted me & told me it's slow & to come in an hour later, and then they texted again & told me thirty minutes after that. All I did with the extra hour or so of my life was sleep some more. I don't want to be awake. & I'm really tired. Crying does that to you, I guess.
My dad told me I could practice driving again today. No thanks. Then he told me that we were leaving early to get breakfast. I don't even want breakfast. I don't want to talk to him, either. I think I'll start crying again & having cried at work a few times before, there is no worse place to cry. It's humiliating.
When I get off work, I have hours worth of schoolwork to do, each one is a big grade. One of them is a test. I meant to split my work up & do about half of it yesterday, but didn't on account of all of the crying. I feel sick to my stomach.
09/22/2023 / The worst day of 2023
Um, I just got in a fight with my dad again. It was during driving practice, so we were stuck in the car together. I told him to be nicer to me & then he started yelling & slamming his hands on the arm rest & it made me feel a decade younger & scared like I was going to be hit again, even if he wasn't the one who'd hit me back then. & then he told me that I was essentially being kicked out & good luck getting to your night class by my house considering you don't have a car. So then he was just yelling at me & I was thinking about the logistics of how I'd probably have to drop my course & graduate a semester later. And then I almost wrecked the car. This was all while I was driving in the dark. And then he started yelling about how I almost wrecked the car. And then he kept telling me how I ruin everything & how arrogant I am. He just kept repeating it, over and over and over. And then we pulled over & he started driving & he said how wow, I guess I don't know everything, because he had to take the wheel. And so then he was just yelling at me the same way, but we'd switched seats. And then we got home & he was still yelling & told me he was going to make a phone call & to get out of the car & wait at the front door for him. & then I just stood there for a while thinking about how I'd probably have to pick up extra shifts at work if I did want to keep attending my night class, but that I probably couldn't. And then I was thinking about how I can't even take out student loans until next semester. And then I was thinking about how maybe I'd just leave & go to E's house, but it was late in the day & already night at this point & it's not really her place, not that her family would mind I think. And then he came out of the car & we walked into the house together & he told me to go to my room & he followed me there & just started sobbing & apologizing for what a terrible father he was & how he would never kick me out. I don't really believe him. He threatened to kick me out when I took that semester a year or so ago off because I thought I was going to kill myself & I'd reached the point of a mental breakdown. And then he had me hug him & I really didn't want to, but I thought not hugging him would escalate things & he was freaking me out & then I started sobbing because I don't know. I really can't deal with people yelling at me. You think you begin to heal from the things that have happened to you, but you don't. And that fear never goes away. I'm still the exact same scared kid I was a decade ago, fifteen years ago. Life just grows around it, but it doesn't get smaller. I think that's why I was crying. And I thought my life for the foreseeable future was ruined, that too. And then I guess he felt really guilty, because he said he didn't want this to ruin my Friday night & to come hang out with him & that we could go for another drive. & then when he said this, I just started crying harder & told him to please leave me alone, please. & then he told me he couldn't because he felt bad & I just begged him to get away from me. Then I just cried in my room for a little while till I started gathering up my pajammas to get ready for bed, & he came back in to check on me I guess, and asked what I was doing & I told him I was just going to try and sleep & he told me not to let this ruin things & that he felt bad & I told him to just please leave me alone again. & then I changed & brushed my teeth & got into bed & just sobbed for a while. I don't know how long it was, but I cried in a way that I didn't think was possible. I felt like I couldn't breathe & I just kept crying & gasping for air. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm tearing up again so I'm just going to leave it alone for the night. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow morning. I don't know if our relationship can ever fully recover from this. He spoke to me in a way that akes me genuinely think that he hates me. He said he was sorry & that he took it all back & didn't know what was wrong with him, but he had no reason to lie before & every reason to lie now, so I don't believe him. At least I don't feel sick anymore. I thought I was going to puke earlier during my freak out. Okay I'm starting to cry again, I actually have to quit writing now. I don't know what to do now though. I can't keep crying.
09/21/2023 / 9:14 PM
I am doing... okay. Just okay. Normally I am in the arms of anguish or exaltation, but tonight I am just alright. I slept in before work. Normally I show up early, but today I was right on time. As I went back to sleep this morning, I listened to Red Curb by Rei Harakami. It's one of my favorite albums. It always helps me fall back asleep.
Work sucked, but it wasn't that bad. I realized something: the amount of tips I make are sort of a mental thing. What I mean is that on my last paycheck, I was in a terrible mood during most of my shifts & thought I had made barely anything in tips. The check before that one, I was really happy as I worked & thought I brought home a lot, but my paychecks were both nearly identical. I've come to the realization that when I'm in a good mood, I focus on everyone who tips me & when I'm in a bad mood, I focus on everyone who doesn't. It's a matter of perception.
That being said, I was still in a pretty bad mood today. There's this new assistant manager that I'd just met & she had the audacity to tell me to smile. I just asked her in my monotone what I possibly had to smile about & the conversation ended there. I did smile a little bit, and she pointed that out, but it was because I was extrememly pissed off by the fact that she told me to smile in the first place. I was smiling the way a dog grits its teeth. I was annoyed.
After that was class, boring. It's my education class & it's really easy. It feels kind of like a waste of time. I think that the lectures are too casual & not enough material is being covered. We were supposed to learn about Lev Vygotsky today & the professor managed to talk for an hour & managed to cover barely anything. He let us out early, too. I think I was just in a bad mood & that's why I found the prof annoying, though I think he's too preachy. And he was talking about how Americans are far more creative than East Asians... yeah, okay. I didn't know that teaching in Japan thirty years ago made you an expert on East Asia, white man. I don't think there are any Asians in the class; I wonder if he'd say the same thing in front of some? Probably not. He just sounds really ignorant & he presents his opinions as facts, which is hard to take seriously. And he mentions his ex-wife a lot, which is interesting, but he talks about her more than his actual wife, which is weird & also interesting. He's really patriotic, which is kind of cringe to me. There's probably a more eloquent term than 'cringe,' but I can't think of one. He also talked about how the anime people watch in the US are for kids in Japan. Yeah, and? The examples he gave were One Piece & Pokemon & aren't those both shonen ones, meant for young boys? That was involved in part of his tangent about the creativity of the East. He talks about football constantly, too & it's lame. And all of his teaching analogies involve football, so I don't understand them. Mostly though, I just wish we were learning more. And I wish that he didn't allow constant interjections from the class, because they're unhelpful. I don't know, maybe I'm bitching too much.
09/20/2023 / 11:06 AM
I've managed to calm down quite a lot... Stepped outside & the weather was so nice it kind of melted away all of my fears. Just the feeling of the outdoors, of sunlight. One of my favorite songs is からっぽのまにまに by PinocchioP & it just made me think of that, the sensation of the warm rays. I brought E breakfast & Starbucks, the Starbucks was a surprise, so I asked the barista for help in picking something out for her. E really loves lemonade, so I got her a drink with lemonade that I vaguely remembered her once ordering. We didn't get to talk for a very long time, but she seems to be doing really well, which makes me happy. One of the best things about love & friendship is that once you're close enough with someone, their happiness is your happiness, you know? Maybe this is a small revelation to some, or something not warranting revelation in the first place, but to be really blunt, I've never had very many friends, so the fact that I now have this best friend is one of the best things in the world to me.
And E's birthday is coming up & I'm excited to celebrate with her. I'm making her cheesecake & a carrot cake & a heartfelt, homemade card. & we're going to go thrift shopping & I'll buy us dinner & I think I've settled on this really cute Jellycat elephant plush as her gift. I'm really excited.
09/20/2023 / 7:33 AM
I did my math homeworks & my teaching quiz: 26 questions, 5 minutes, 92%. I will probably retake it later... My teacher said he hates the quizzes & he's forced to assign them, so I guess that's why he made them super easy? I didn't even read the book that they were on. I'm dressed in tie-dye & my disco ball jacket because it's our school's spirit week, & Vashti is school spiritual. Not really, but one of my profs said that if we dress up, we can have an extra absence, & Vashti wants to be able to miss two weeks of school, so here we are. I am meeting E before school today & am bringing her breakfast. I am writing this so I remember: She is lactose intolerant! Make sure that they don't give her cheese!
I'm tired. I got five and a half hours of sleep & still managed to wake up before my alarm. I didn't sleep well, kept waking up throughout the night. I feel somewhat sick this morning. I'm realizing that happens whenever I don't sleep well. As I was laying down to go to bed last night, I kept thinking about how I'm going to die one day. It made it very difficult to fall asleep, on account of my mortal fears & whatnot. There was a very long period of time where I was not worried about dying whatsoever, where I would've welcomed it, but I no longer feel that way & now have to grapple with the fact that I'm going to die one day & it's gonna suck. I could probably write more eloquently or more poetically about it, but let's just be blunt here: The fact that I'm going to die one day totally fucking sucks, but you have to be fine with it because no one cares. Or really, you're not supposed to think too much about it. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for me & I can't stop thinking about it.
I think maybe the belief that my life has a purpose would assuage my anxieties, but the truth of the matter is that I do not think my life has a purpose. At least not yet. Maybe I should go about choosing one. That seems kind of arbitrary, though. I mean, just as an example, let's look at it this way: Vashti chooses the altruism path. I decide that I will help people & make the world a better place & then it will give my life purpose, but does that even really make sense..? Oh, I spent my life helping others & now I'm okay with dying, not scared anymore. How does that even work? Religion seems like it could be a good out for me, but I don't believe in an afterlife, either. I think that's a concept people made up to avoid the reality of their complete & total death that's coming up. I've actually always felt this sense of jealousy toward devoutly religious people; I wish I could do that, but it just doesn't work for me, I've tried it.
09/19/2023 / Cockatiels
At the convenience store before class, (have to buy snacks or I will die of Snack Related Deficiency Syndrome), & the lady in line in front of me had this little cockatiel on her shoulder. Then I went to class & this girl walked into class with a Lego set & said she'd gotten it from the library, so I got up right around the start of class to get one, and what did they have? A cockatiel.
Very cute, but false advertising! That bottom block sheet is not green!
09/19/2023 / A picture
Weird sense of deja vu while writing this... Anyways I went for a walk & the sky was so bright that it hurt my eyes to look up, so I just stuck my phone above my head & snapped some photos. I'm surprised one of them actually turned out!
I love photos of clouds & telephone poles. And for this photo in particular, I just find the compostion to be pleasing, the position of the wires.
09/19/2023 / 12:30 PM
I did the exact opposite about what I last wrote about & slept eleven hours, unheard of for me, all the way past 10 AM. Then I ate a leisurely breakfast of iced coffee & a McDonald's sausage & egg McMuffin, played some Wild World, & texted E. & I went for a walk. Normally I feel bad when I wake up late, but I didn't today. I hate admitting that; Oh yeah, if I wake up at this hour instead of this hour, I feel guilty. When you strip away the lens of expectation & familiarity, saying that sounds fucking insane, right? I see most rules for what they are- made up, but lately I've been preoccupied with not doing enough. Not in the productivity sense, in the fact that I'm going to die eventually & have limited time on Earth sense. Lately I've been preoccupied with the fact that I'm going to die one day & that I don't even know when. I don't even know if I could describe myself as "preoccupied," because really I think everyone else could stand to be a bit more mindful of their own mortality. That wouldn't work though, because if everyone really understood the fact that they're going to die one day, then I'm sure most office workers & accountants & fast food employees & retail workers would quit their jobs in droves.
We should all live fulfilling lives! But what about the economy?
I have schoolwork to do & I don't even feel like doing that, unheard of for me. I actually feel relaxed, maybe even lackadaisical. I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's uncomfortable for me & I don't know what to do. I'm seeing E before school tomorrow for an hour or so, maybe she can get my head straightened up a bit, though this is the one domain where I'm not sure her advice can help me. She is considerably less relaxed than I am, always doing something, lots of obligations. She's come a long way from when I first met her, though, loosened up a lot. She's a high achiever, though, and I think I need advice from the exact opposite sort of person. That being said, she always manages to help me understand my own feeling when I talk with her, so if she doesn't give me advice, I think she can provide me clarity. I'm also just a tad bit worried about her, too. She's been really busy lately, constantly so, so I want to make sure she's feeling okay.
09/18/2023 / 11:13 PM
Feeling strange. Well, I always feel strange, so in a sense, that's normal for me. I don't know, I just feel as though I'm not doing enough. Not necessarily in the sense of productivity & school, I'm just not filling my time with enough things, if that makes sense. Or not enough purposeful things. Now that I think more on it, I think it's because I haven't really made myself any sort of actual schedule for the last week or two or so... I'd gotten into a fight with my dad, so I was going to school early to avoid him. Then I was waking up at 6 AM & getting coffee before school instead of going home in the morning due to other circumstances too overly complicated to bother writing about. & then because my little brother's stepmom caught COVID, I haven't been to my mom's house in a couple of weeks because he's there & I don't want to risk it. Then I took two extra days off work for my dad's birthday. Then I got the dates of my assignments mixed up by a week, along with E's birthday. I hadn't realized that there was a week between the weekend of my father's birthday & the weekend of E's birthday, & that's this week, so my tentative plans have crumbled under the weight of my reality... Everything is really throwing me off. I think I need to revert back to lists & schedules. & then there's the fact that I can't really use my hand to hold a pen or pencil or play video games, so those plans are no longer viable either. It's just really anoying to me, far more than it probably should annoy me, but here we are.
09/18/2023 / National Cheeseburger Day; Vashti is a patriot
I'm sure if you regularly read what I have to say on here, you can already tell I'm from the United States because of the way I write the dates on my entries & the way I tell the temperature, time, anything measurable really. Well Vashti is here to say that for all US Americans, it's National Cheeseburger Day! Yes, that is the most American thing I could say, behind interpreting Bruce Springsteen's hit song Born in the USA as a patriotic anthem or explaining why I don't deserve healthcare or an education... USA! USA! USA!
Writing this for myself as a note: Vashti, if you wear tie dye to class on Wednesday, prof will give you an extra absence! Do not forget!
09/18/2023 / 11:10 AM
I know that I was writing about how sick I felt about an hour ago, but the blood donation bus was here, so I donated blood 'cause I was curious; Never done it before. After saying that I was healthy & don't have HIV or AIDS & have not been to jail recently & am not a prostitute, I got the go ahead. Oh, they tested my iron first too... Looking good! And they checked my pulse one hundred times after I told them that I've had tachycardia & heart palpitations & faint every so often... Looking good! It took a really long time to get the paperwork going though, 'cause I guess the lady in the labcoat thought I was a man, so she put me in their computer as a man & I was unaware that I was a man, so I kept putting my gender in as female in the paperwork & it kept telling me No blood donation for you, how about getting lost instead? after seeing only my gender & DOB. Assigned Male at Blood Bank, I guess. I even told her 1) I am a woman 2) My ID says I'm a woman 3) She heard my woman voice when I told her these things. Well actually it could've been my voice too that threw her. Guess Vashti's just that much of an androgynous superstar so Vashti's... Looking good! The lady didn't overly apologize either, which was nice. Normally if someone thinks I'm a man & I say I'm a woman they kill themselves on the spot in front of me.
After way too long, they stuck a needle in me & made me squeeze a stressball every three to five seconds as my blood was drawn. Unfortunate for me, 'cause my wrist still hurts, very badly & they had to jab my right arm on account of veins & whatnot. A couple of people said they liked my hair, asked if purple was my favorite color, & we talked about hair dye & jury duty & the Japanese school system & cheeseburgers. Then they said Okay, wait here for ten minutes, but you don't have to. So I took my Nutter Butters & free shirt & left, because who would feel bad after losing just a pint of blood? Me, apparently. I feel faint. Fun experience to add to the catalog that is my life, though. & I'll know my blood type in a few days. I wonder which Sanrio character I share a blood type with? It's the only reason I care.
09/18/2023 / 9:42 AM
I feel like I'm gonna barf. I didn't even finish my small iced coffee... Vashti's dying. Maybe it's 'cause I ended up getting five hours of sleep. Or maybe it's all in my head & I just really don't want to go to school. Probably not. I don't feel anxious. Well, I feel anxious about being sick, but that's because I was sick already. Which came first, the nausea or the anxiety? The nausea. My face feels hot & my clothes are bothering me. It was too noisy at the coffee shop, so I went to school early. Really early. I have class at high noon & it is several hours before high noon. The coffee shop also happened to be playing the worst music in the world at the highest volume in the world. In what world should your music be so loud at 6 AM that I can hear them through my noise cancelling headphones with my volume up? Not in this world.
I thought maybe the noise & the coffee smell was making me feel worse, so I caught a ride to school. My city has this new ride service that only costs like $4 per ride. It's like an Uber, except you normally have to walk a few blocks to get picked up & again to your destination. & the rides come at kind of random intervals, normally every fifteen minutes or so, but sometimes not. I happened to be able to get a ride to school within two minutes, which was weird & somewhat serendipitous. The cab that was picking me up was even in the same parking lot of the Starbucks, which was weird & somewhat serendipitous. And I only had to walk across the street to get picked up, which was neither weird nor serendipitous; There happens to be a pick up spot right by the Starbucks I was at. It's why I always go to that one before school- No walking & very little waiting for Vashti.
What was weird & not serendipitous was the fact that the cab driver was fucking crazy. It took him like five minutes to pick me up, which is crazy, because he was in the same parking lot as me, just the other side of the building. Then he got me & said Sorry, it's my first time doing this. And I understood so it was whatever. And then we sat in his car for a few minutes because he couldn't figure out the GPS. & then he asked me for the address to my school, 'cause I assumed he was gonna type it into his phone, but he wanted to look at my phone which was weird, & also something that I was not going to do. & then before I could tell him no, he figured out his GPS. He had to press like three buttons on it. & I also assumed that when he said it was his first time, he meant his first time driving a cab, but he could have very well meant that it was his first time driving ever, because that ten minute ride was fucking harrowing. I truly & genuinely thought this guy was going to crash our car, multiple times. And every time he moved, he either pushed the brake or the gas pedal, so the car was just being jerked back & forth the entire time. & please note, I felt like I was going to puke sitting still in that little coffee shop, so how do you think Vashti felt with this maniac driving? I would've been annoyed, but I was too busy feeling scared for my life. Then I was too busy thinking about how funny it was that on the day I feel sick to my stomach, I get this guy as my cab driver, & I'm his very first client. & the entire time, he kept saying sorry to me, but really loudly, like screaming. I was wearing my headphones & he was yelling sorry to me, like a dozen times. Probably moer, multiple times a minute. I didn't even say anything to the guy, maybe he just saw that I was on the precipice of throwing up & felt bad. I don't know. I do know that I may not have ever been so grateful to get out of a car before. What a scary start to my morning.
I feel somewhat better in the quiet of the library now. I did a bunch of math homework & not much else. I'm going to take it easy for a few.
09/17/2023 / 7:35 PM
Wirst pain, arm pain, hand pain, pain. I'm in pain. I've been in the mood to play video games- I go through phases. I want to start Disco Elysium & continue with TOTK. Played Wild World... Decorated my DSi today, three stickers & hung some charms on it, a frog & Hawaiian Hello Kitty, the tan one. It looks pretty precious, if I do say so myself, (and I do). Switched purses, too, just felt like changing something tangible I suppose. Spent some time putting pins on it, putting keychains on it.
Just stepped away to go for a walk as the sun was setting, past sunset really, dusk is what I mean. I took a walk on the cusp of dusk & night. I felt like I couldn't breathe & started crying. Crying on another walk? Yeah, I know. It was just so beautiful; Not the sky, not the weather, just the fact that I was alive & experiencing it. There was a time when I thought a night like this one, one so far in the future, was out of reach to me. I didn't even allow myself the thought of the possibility of happiness, no matter how unlikely it seemed. But this night was mine, & I was grateful to myself, my past self, for allowing me to live to experience it. I can't tell anyone in my life this sort of thing, well maybe I could tell E, because they'd try to pathlogize it. You know, they'd assume I was having another mood episode & not just a human experience.
09/17/2023 / 12:56 AM
Tired & keeping this short: Went for a drive, got boba & my sister got more shaved ice, a different place than yesterday. I ate some of the shaved ice in the car, (it was a lot), and it was so good & I was so involved in eating it that I forgot where I was for a few moments, well minutes actually... I was focused completely on the flavor and texture and the act of chewing until I came to & asked myself why my vision was so dark, Oh yeah, I'm wearing sunglasses, & where I was, Oh yeah, I'm in the backseat of the car. It was weird, but not bad. Schopenhauer thought that our lives consist of striving constantly for things, that we have this will to life that constantly propels us, drags us around really, and that the way to escape the misery of human existence is to quiet that will & I genuinely think that's what happened to me as I ate that shaved ice. Schopenhauer thinks the way to quiet our will is an ascetic's path, but I guess he never had Japanese shaved ice. I'm only half joking, too. I really do think that my will to life, if it truly is an actual force, was quieted by that shaved ice.
Got home, walked, then poker. Everyone laughed at Vashti wearing the sunglasses indoors like a real poker player, but it came down to just me & my dad & we had been at it so long, hours, that we just split the pot & called it a night, so Vashti wins, kind of! It was fun though. I'm not competitive, but I think I reached a point where I wanted to win for the sake of winning as much as I wanted to win the money. Poker is the one instance where my absolute lack of expression & complete monotone is seen as desirable, maybe that's why I like it so much. That and gambling's just fun!
Oh & I saw K.K. during one of our intermissions & got Agent K.K.! I have The Dark of the Matinee by Franz Ferdinand in my head... Bonne nuit.
09/16/2023 / 4:40 PM
Another simple, gentle morning. Off work because we're spending the weekend celebrating my dad's birthday, as I'd said before. Woke up to find iced coffee in the fridge for me, woke up late in the day again, 9 AM or 10 AM something. Trying to relax, trying. Went for a morning walk, played Wild World, played some Petz Catz 2 on the Wii, but it hurt my wrist so I gave it up pretty early on...
When I went on another walk, the sky seemed so intense. The wind picked up after a minute or so, enough for me to get a block away, and it felt so nice, the nicest temperature in the world. I find myself saying that a lot. You know, This was the most beautiful sky that I'd ever seen! It was the best weather in the world! The best coffee I'd ever tasted! On a more objective level, I'm sure that every instance of nice weather isn't the best that I've ever felt, but I don't think it diminishes my experiences at all. Maybe I sound a bit silly saying it; My mood is normally so intense that it seems to be disregarded, because extreme goods & bads are just normal for me, but I don't think it makes my feelings any less true. I really do mean that the breeze I felt today was the best in the world, wholeheartedly. That's a word I like, one of the best words in the world, using your whole heart. It's something everyone should strive for.
The breeze really felt autumnal. Where I'm from, it's so warm that each year you hear the same trite joke of It's that real fall weather, haha! It's finally less than 90 degrees out! But the breeze really felt cold. And then the raindrops that followed it really felt cold. And I really felt cold as I ran home in the downpour, slipping in my sandals. In the minute or so that I was running home, I managed to get so soaked that my hair had formed ringlets & my clothes were completely saturated. There was no helping those poor, sopping wet clothes, so I just did the laundry and took a shower, a hot shower, because I was cold. Normally I take cold showers, because they feel nice and because it keeps my hair dye from running, but today I made the decision to take a hot shower & let the dye run. Everything's transient, my hair included, especially my hair, so I'm not going to let that interfere with the rare pleasure of a hot shower. My showers are normally only a few minutes, but I think I stood under the water for ten or fifteen minutes or so. It just felt nice. It was out of the ordinary, so I suppose that I really just focused on the sensation of it. If you don't make it a habit of focusing on your senses or the little details of the world, you should try it. The world transforms itself completely with a little attention. You'll like what you see and what you feel, I promise.
Then my sister & I made my dad birthday breakfast, despite it being past noon at this point. I was somewhat annoyed, because I'd planned on doing my schoolwork & this was a change in plans, but I tried to keep myself from getting agitated. I hurried through the cooking & the cleaning, because I was annoyed & quickly becoming overwhelemed & by the time I sat down to do my work, it was too noisy. I decided that it would be better to calm my mind before doing my work, so I could really pay attention to it, so I played more Wild World, went on a short walk, and did my world literature work.
Now I'm just waiting until more of our celebrating ensues. We're going to play some poker for a few hours. Oh, and I'm going to play some more Wild World tonight, so I can see K.K. A mundane day, but precious to me; They all are.
09/16/2023 / 12:20 AM
Woke up late in the day, rainy day again. Ate a kolache & choco donut for breakfast. Didn't eat anything else till dinner because we were having hot pot & I wanted to be really hungry for it. Went on a walk, a few short walks, maybe ten or fifteen minutes a piece. The pavement was grey with rainwater as I walked; I must've just missed it. Played Wild World for a few hours.
I took a nap before hot pot because I was too excited to keep waiting around. I'd never had hot pot before, but I've wanted to try it since playing Persona 5 a year or so ago. Everyone's gone without me once or twice before, while I was at work of all things, and they made it sound really good. Actually, they made it sound really, really good. Well actually, they made it sound really, really, really good. (I could keep going). I was expecting ambrosia & I got a good tasting soup instead. I was just a bit underwhelmed is all.
The actual experience itself though was overwhelming. I didn't know my dad's birthday dinner could be so stressful. We sat in a small booth, three of us on each side, two gargantuan bowls of boiling broth in the center. I was at the very end of the row, against the wall, steam blowing in my face for an hour. The space was so small that there was nowhere to set my purse other than my lap & I described it as a booth, but that's not quite accurate. We were in a walled off area with little space, but the seats we were on were actually more like stools, so you couldn't lean back or anything, only forward into the steam. It was noisy & stressful. Perhaps it was my own peculiarities that were the problem though. If I were a normal person who could enjoy a cramped, steamy space, with constant noise & heat, & unseparated food, then maybe I would've enjoyed myself more. Not that I didn't have fun, but I was on edge for the entirety of our meal. It also just wasn't as good as I'd thought. It was bascially just soup. I would've preferred to eat udon or maybe soba. The novelty of the experience was fun for me though. I definitely am grateful to have gone.
The best thing I'd tried was actually coconut shaved ice with condensed milk. I'm reading Moshi Moshi by Banana Yoshimoto right now, and in it, the narrator & her mother eat this delicious Japanese shaved ice, so I'd really wanted to try it. We actually got two flavors, my sister & I: coconut & matcha. (One was even free!) The matcha was alright, but the coconut was delectable. If we went back & I knew my family wouldn't be upset with me & see it as some sort of slight, I think I'd just get three bowls of coconut shaved ice & eat that instead of the hot pot. I am looking forward to our hot pot leftovers though, particularly the beef tongue that I'd picked out, or the lamb.
After hot pot, I got myself boba. I tried this creme brulee boba milk tea, & it really did taste like creme brulee! It was amazing, (not as good as the shaved ice), but expensive. Not the sort of thing you can get regularly. Well, if you're rich or even just comfortably not poor you could, but it's not the sort of thing I could get regularly. Not that I'd really want to. It was good, but really rich; After drinking a small one I'd had more than enough. It wasn't like the shaved ice, that I could eat forever.
When we got home, night had fallen & I went for a walk. I was at the park & I heard the deep cries of an owl, right above my head. Amazing. That reminds me, outside of the hot pot place, I fed this sick looking bird a granola bar from my purse. Then as we were getting into the car, my sister had said that she just saw a girl fake kick the sick little bird & that she hoped she dies. I didn't hope that she dies, obviously, but I understand my sister's sentiment. I couldn't be friends with someone who hates birds, especially the vulnerable city ones, like grackles or pigeons. Really when my sister had told me that, I hoped that one of their tires gave out. Not that they crash their car or anything, but that they feel scared for a moment, maybe think about how they spent their life harassing birds. That's not as extreme as saying that I hope they die like my sister did, but I think the difference is that she was exaggerating & I'm being dead serious. I hate people who hate birds. They disgust me.
After my walk I did my math homework; It took a literal five minutes. Then we played Wii Sports & Wii Jeopardy. Not sure what else to say. I feel like I didn't do much, though I'm sure I did.
09/14/2023 / 11:02 PM
Met this lady at work today. Well "met" isn't quite right, I don't know her name & we didn't really talk. She seemed weirdly intense, but I felt like I understood her on some deep & fundamental level despite not even being introduced. I didn't say that though, because that would sound insane. Then I heard her mention Bipolar I & Seroquel & then I realized Ah, that explains it. I wonder if people ever feel that way upon meeting me..?
Nothing important to say about class tonight, save for the fact that it rained in the car & I got to listen to the rain tap on the roof. & then the rain cleared & I looked up & saw the most beautiful blue sky that I'd ever seen.
I felt kind of irritable today, but the sky was comforting. Well, I kept looking at the beautiful sky & telling myself that I really should be in a better mood. I don't know if that's what you can consider comforting, it was almost like a scolding.
09/13/2023 / Nosebleed II
Oh, I had another bloody nose, too. I don't know if I'd mentioned this, but a couple of days ago, I had this really awful nosebleed. I classify it as awful because of the amount of blood that leaked out of my face. It was so much blood that I reached a point where I thought, Hey, maybe this is so much blood that I need to go tell someone, because it won't stop. Then I felt like I couldn't breathe out of the right side of my nose, so I blew my nose & this blood clot, coagulated blood, whatever it's called, fell out of my nose. I say fell because it was so heavy that it had quite a bit of gravity to it. I'm sure if you've read this far the idea of blood doesn't make you squeamish, so let me describe it this way: With absoluetly no exaggeration, that blood clot that came out of my face was at least the size of if a blood-earthworm were jammed up my nose. And look, Vashti gets bloody noses a lot, I've had bloody noses that have gone on for an hour before, but this is something that I had never experienced. Oh, and just to paint the proper blood red picture here, this is all happening in the bathroom, okay? So every time I grab another wad of tissue to stop up my nose, blood is streaming out of my face & onto the porcelain countertop. There was so much blood that the sink was completely covered in a thin sheen of it, like if you emptied a bowl of red paint water into the sink or something. After becoming very concerned, it just stopped, and that was that.
Or so I thought! After my rainy day sobbing, my bloody nose came back with a vengeance. And if you don't know this, I didn't, apparently if you have a bloody enough nose & a nose stud, your blood will just start leaking out of your piercing, like some haunted house shit. Who knew? I had quite a bit of trouble with the bleeding again & had to spend quite a bit of time afterward cleaning the blood off of the sink, the toilet, the floor, a large portion of my face, had to go around my piercing with a wet Q-tip. The other day, my uncle had asked me if I was okay, 'cause I'd left at least half a garbage can of bloody tissues behind, today was the same. Another gummy consistency blood clot, too. Oh, but today I was bleeding so much that it was going down my throat & out of my mouth too. Who knows, man. All I can say is that I was coughing up blood like it was a sanitorium.
Here's to hoping this doesn't happen at work or school tomorrow! Nothing preemepted it & it came with no warning, so it seems my nose is under the whims of fate. If it becomes a daily thing, it'll become under the whims of a doctor, because there's no way I can be bleeding that much regularly. It was that much blood. Perhaps I'll need to invest in a humidifier again, and saline spray. It'll be like being a child again.
09/13/2023 / A walk in the rain
As I'd said earlier, it was raining this morning, which was a rarity, & it began raining again this evening. I'd been reading my copy of Moshi Moshi from the library, slowly, which is out of the ordinary for me, another rarity, when I took a nap. I woke up wanting to go for a walk & I stepped outside to see that it was raining again. There was no rainbow this time, but I wasn't expecting one. I walked about in the rain till it got dark, then I walked some more. Pretty suddenly, I started crying. At first it was just a few stray tears that I could blink away, but then it was heavy sobs. I don't know why. Normally when I cry, which is another rarity, it's a rare day I suppose, I instinctually try to cover my face. Normally I turn all of the lights off & bury myself under covers, like some sad little burrowing creature. As I was walking around sobbing under my umbrella though, I didn't feel any of that usual shame. It felt good in a weird way. There I was, sobbing to the point where I had to blink my eyes like windshield wipers just to be able to see, but nothing stopped. I kept crying & the rain kept rattling on my umbrella & cars kept driving & people kept walking & my shoes kept getting wet & the sky kept darkening like a stain. No one cared, myself included. I felt insignificant, unnoticable, and it made me feel good. I wished the whole world could pay me no mind for a few weeks, the way the world was today. I wish I could wander around like a ghost. That's how it felt, like I was a ghost. The way nothing acknowledged me, it wouldn't be that surprising, except I was real & tangible & physical enough that I could feel my shoes getting soaked down to my socks then down to my feet. Normally on my walks, I pay attention to the color of the sky & its clouds, but today all I noticed was that the sky got increasingly dark, increasingly fast. I was too preoccupied with crying to pay attention to anything else. Crying can be strange like that; I think it's the most self centered thing in the world. When I'm crying, it's the only thing I notice, though I don't cry a lot, so maybe that's why.
I kept crying when I got home too, only then it began to feel bad & I buried myself under my comforter and cried till I just laid quietly in the dark for an hour or so.
09/13/2023 / 2:25 PM
I skipped school today. Not really sure why. I feel perfetly fine, good even, not tired in the least. It was raining when I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning & it's stopped raining but feels nice now. I'm actually writing this outside. I'm feeling good. I feel clean somehow. Seeing rain when you never get to does that to you. I went back to sleep at 7 AM or so, I don't know exactly when. I wasn't tired, but figured that in the name of doing nothing, I'd sleep in. Woke up at 9 something AM, which is really late for me, & by the time I'd woken up, the rain was gone. My sleep was refreshing, though. I didn't feel groggy at all whatsoever.
I haven't done any schoolwork today, just because I'm a week ahead on everything & figured if I'm skipping school, I shouldn't spend the time doing schoolwork. I went for two walks, played Wild World, made eggs for breakfast, and watched Resident Evil (2002). Well, I watched half of it & it wasn't very good so I just turned it off. Not much else to report... Think I'm going to read Moshi Moshi. It's pretty short, so I'm sure I can finish it today.
I kind of want to do my literature classwork, too, but I told myself I wasn't going to do anything today. It makes me feel good to do my schoolwork, though, so I don't know. I was telling my dad how I was trying to make myself break up my schoolwork & studying & whatnot into smaller parts & he asked me why & I said it's just 'cause that's what they recommend, so it's probably good for me. He said they recomend that to normal people, though, and if you actually like doing your schoolwork, you can do as much of it as you want. It feels like most of the advice I receive doesn't help me or doesn't apply to me. A lot of the advice I receive I just disregard, because I see it as shallow & arbitrary rules, but I thought the advice they drill into you about not cramming had scientific merit. Though what I do isn't really cramming, because I'm doing it a week or two ahead of time. Of course, with risk of sounding hubristic or whatever, I have never crammed for a test the night before & not done well. If you spend hours the night before studying, how could you possiby flunk it the next morning? Like, you have to be really stupid to manage that, right?
Maybe instead of studying for school, I'll just study something for fun. I've been interested in reading about existentialism again. I always sort of am, it's always humming in the background of my mind & the things I say, but I've had a renewed interest in philosophy for the past while. Not sure where it came from. If I had to guess, I'd say it's 'cause I decided, like I'd written a month or so ago, to live authentically, and maybe I want some guidance. It's one thing to decide to do whatever you want; I've done that & it was difficult, but not as difficult as deciding what you actually want to do. I've just been saying no to a lot of things: no I won't become a lawyer, no I won't say sorry, no I won't make eye contact when I speak to you, no I won't procrastinate. I don't know what things I should say yes to. Maybe Vashti's been to preoccupied with the dragon Thou-Shalt & maybe I should go draw a picture or play Zelda or something instead.
09/12/2023 / 10:10 PM
It feels like nothing happened today, but I'm so tired. When I came home, my dad unlocked the door & scowled at me, said nothing. Who gives a shit, though? I suppose I do, somewhat, because I've bothered even mentioning it, but oh well. I just got this intense feeling of deja vu...
My background check is all sorted; I'm surprised I received a response so quickly. All is well & Vashti has been cleared, not that there were any worries there, any justifiable ones anyway.
Talked with E on the phone before class, birthday plans, talked about the cakes I'm making her: a cheesecake & carrot cake, both her favorites. I hope they turn out well. I'm sure they will. Vashti used to be quite the baker, you know. Especially muffins. I used to make these banana choco chip muffins that were better than what you could get at restaurant. I wonder if I could find the recipe..? It's not like it was my own recipe. That's why it always seems silly to call myself good at cooking or baking; That's just like saying, You know what I'm really good at? Following written instructions. It just sounds like something not even worth mentioning. Well, like I said in my earlier paragraph, I've bothered mentioning it, huh? She also was telling me about her A & P class, hellish stuff. You know Plato's Realm of Forms? Well I'm here to say that he got it wrong, it's actually the Realm of Flashcards. I know this 'cause that's where E's been living for the past week or so. I guess she'll come back down to Earth when she's done with her test. She was also telling me about this girl in her class who's going to be a future doctor. That's pretty standard for an A & P class, the only reason I mention this is because this future doctor can't use a mechanical pencil. E lent her a pencil for their last exam & the girl kept pushing the lead of the pencil so far out that it broke every time she wrote something. When E was telling this story, she did it in that infectious way where she's laughing so you're laughing. Oh, and I lent her Kitchen & despit being absolutely busy with schoolwork, E said she's almost finished & that it's so good that she's almost done with it. I'm glad, because it's one of my favorite books & even more glad because I thought it would resonate with her.
Been listening to Radio Garden. Heard some songs I never would've heard otherwise:
- Balearic Incarnation (Todd Terjes Extra Doll Mix)
- Red Army Blues by Waterboys
- normal pop? by いじわる
- A Marte by Pastilla
- Keep On Fire by Highvisators
- Life in the Rain by Quantic
- amethyst by PAJAPADY can't find this song anywhere
- Day Trip by Me:Mo
- amenekoyadori by WATAFEI
- The Dark Of The Matinee by Franz Ferdinand
- Europe is Lost by Kate Tempest
09/12/2023 / 1:47 PM
I left for school early, because I have no inclination to see my dad before school. I slept in today, till 9:15 AM, so today has felt really short. It was refreshing, though. I didn't wake up groggy or anything like that. I'm feeling alright. I feel lonely a lot, but lately I've felt more solitary, which is weird for me. For the first time in I think ever, I'd rather be by myself. I'm in kind of a daze today. I just feel different, but not bad. And forgetful. I forgot my book as I was putting it in my bag earlier. How does someone even manage to do that? I'm just spacy today.
I'll write later; I have lots to do: I'm going to finish Candide, take a quiz on it, write about it, write my communications paper, and I have to call the HR department of the school district that I'll be observing at. I haven't received confirmation of my criminal background check clearance, so I need to make sure they received all of the paperwork that I'd submitted. There's no other explanation for why I haven't been cleared, because I haven't done anything illegal, ever. I'm assuming I just didn't receive a notification of my clearance, for whatever reason. It's really annoying. I'm sick of contacting administrators and departments of things.
09/11/2023 / 10:50 PM
I got my test results... 98%! I wanted at least a 95%, so I'm happy with myself. I don't really want to repeat myself, so you can read about the strange circumstances of this test in my 09/06/2023 (3:40 PM) entry, but I will say, Gooooooo Vashti! I was right & the group I got saddled with was oh so wrong. How do I know? Well my prof said one person out of the entire class did better on their own than in the group, and that person was me, so fuck yeah! I wonder what my groups' scores ended up being? Considering they argued with me, who ended up missing a single question, I would reckon that they're not very good. Certainly not an A, at least. So fuck yeah again! Am I really relishing in the fact that these people received low marks? Yes, because they could've had very good marks if they'd had the humility to listen to me, but no.
Received even more good news: High school admin has given me permission to observe at their school, which makes a lot of my life easier. I just need them to sign my permission form so I can submit it this week. I got the news in the library, where I tried to hide again, but this girl from class came with me. She's nice; I just really wanted to be left alone, but couldn't leave because I was waiting for my dad, because he said he'd get me after work. Somewhat annoying...
Oh, speaking of dear old dad, we got in another fight! One that I did not participate in! I miscut a paper for his class & he had the audacity to grit his fucking teeth at me like an animal, so I said Why are you gritting your teeth at me, because I was dumbfounded. I mean, how can you possibly go from being perfectly fine to baring your teeth like a fucking chimpanzee?
And he told me to get out of his sight, (at this point no other words were exchanged beyond me asking him why he's gritting his teeth at me), so I rolled my eyes because what he said and did was fucking stupid, and he told me not to talk to him until I gave him a "real apology." Apology for what? Oh, so sorry that when I put away my schoolwork to do you a favor & cut your work papers my hand happened to slip twice! You were absolutely justified in speaking to me in a manner harsher and with less courtsey than you'd give a literal stranger. And gritting your teeth at me? So normal, so justified, punishment fits the barely-a-misdemeanor. Unfortunately for both of us, I decided, as I'd written a month or so ago, that I was no longer going to change myself to appease others or garner their approval, so I'm not apologizing. I didn't do anything wrong, so I have no reason to say sorry. It's that simple. If I were to make up an apology, I would be compromising my values, which I will not do anymore. I was serious when I said I was sick of living for other people, & that I wanted to be my authentic self. My authentic self is the ideal one that I carry within, and I'll show her any time I get the chance. In this case, I'll do so by standing up for what I think is right. I want to be a person who'll follow her ideals no matter what; I will become a person who follows her ideals no matter what. You do it in small ways, over and over, in the same sense that how we spend our days is how we spend our lives; Living authentically is something you do repeatedly & it gets easier the more you do it, the same as anything else.
So right now, one of my goals is to disappoint my parents repeatedly, & it'll get easier the more I do it. When I say "disappoint my parents," I don't mean I'm dropping out and becoming a junkie; Just the act of being myself is disappointing to them. Just the act of refusing to conform to their checklist of a daughter or a Vashti is disappointing to them. Being myself and disappointing my parents has a lot more overlap than you'd think. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is.
And look, this isn't to say we don't love each other, that's an oversimplication. In spite of the things I've told you about them, I really do think that they still love me unconditionally. They're just not proud of me unconditionally. They just don't like who I am unconditionally. And I'm learning that that's okay. The truth is, I don't like them unconditionally, either. We'r very different people, and I don't want to be like them. They're not necessarily doing anything wrong, I just don't want to live the way they live, trapped in suburbia, with so many obligations. And as I say that, I'm sure I'll be thought of as naive, but that's okay. Let me put it succinctly:
Some time ago, I said something to my mother along the lines of the fact that I don't understand human cruelty, callousness. I really don't. I don't understand how people are fine with being cruel to each other, or how some people even like it. I think it was in reference to homelessness. And she said to me: Vashti, you're someone with lots of ideas, someone who cares deeply for others, who wants to make the world a better place. And she says this and I'm expecting mom talk, you know, encouragement. Or I'm expecting her to try to talk me into becoming a lawyer again, but she continues, But one day, you'll get older & tired & you won't care about other people anymore. And she didn't even say this like she wanted to discourage me, she said it in a way that she thought it was prophecy. There was weight to her words, you could see it in her shoulders. And if I were to say back to her, Well mom, you may think that, you and all of the other disillusioned adults out there, but I'll be different! Well that wouldn't be taken seriously, would it? She'd hear that & she'd say that I was proving her point, that I'm so naive, and this is why I don't want to live like my parents. Even though I love them, I think I want to be nothing like them; I think I want to disappoint. I think I need to disappoint as an act of self preservation.
09/11/2023 / 11:08 AM
I ended up doing most of my math work, because a lot of it was easy enough to do without guidance, and I wrote my paper for my teaching class. I have about an hour before class starts & I'm hiding at the school library. Why are you hiding, you may ask? Well it's 'cause any time I try to do my work in the student lounge area or whatever you classify it as, the place everyone sits while not in class, people try to talk to me, constantly. Without fail, as Vashti rattles away at her keyboard, eyes unblinking in complete focus, people talk to me. It's sweet, yeah, but read the room, or better yet, read my face and leave me alone. You would think noise cancelling headphones or flashcards or papers upon papers would be enough of a shield, but no. And you can't even tell people, Hey, leave me alone, because that's rude. And you can't keep looking at your work, because that's rude, too. Everything I want to do is rude.
I finally found a copy of Foucault in the library: History of Madness. I would have preferred Discipline & Punish, because I'm reading it on my phone & would much rather have a physical copy, but oh well. In a way, I'm glad I ended up with History of Madness, because as someone who's bipolar, it'll probably have more meaning to me than the average individual.
I think I'm going to play some Animal Crossing: Wild World before my math class. I haven't done anything fun since 5:45 AM when I woke up this morning. The way I phrased that makes it sound as though I did something fun when I woke up, but I mean I haven't done anything fun at all whatsoever. Not that I mind getting my work done. It feels good, just not fun.
09/11/2023 / 7:52 AM
Keeping this short, because this is just a study break for me. Woke up at 5:45 AM, going to try to do this week's & next week's homework today. I think I can get it all done, except maybe my math homework, because it hasn't yet been assigned & I may need to hear Wednesday's lecture to complete it. Everything else though? Yeah, Vashti's got this. Two papers, three literature readings, three literature quizzes, & three literature written respones. I've already read Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz's work & have done the quiz & writing, both done early. My strategy? Trap myself in a coffee shop until school starts at noon so I have no choice but to do my work. Pretty infallible really. Now I'm off to read Voltaire!
09/10/2023 / 8:45 PM
I had a nice Sunday, calm. I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes, mushrooms, onion, peppers, & spinach last night for dinner, & made enough so I wouldn't have to make breakfast this morning. Thank you, past Vashti! You're welcome, future Vashti! I ate it with red pepper hummus toast & made some coffee with half & half & a couple spoons of sugar. I was less hungry than I'd thought & didn't finish it, so I'll have the rest after this for dinner.
I finished Audition by Ryu Murakami which you can read about here if you're so inclined. Then I spent most of the day playing Animal Crossing: Wild World on the DSi. I had to use my sister's old DSi instead of my DSi XL, because the top screen on mine is going out. Fortunately, my town of Lilypad was just how I left it, save for the fact that it's been consumed by weeds! I suppose no one lifted a paw to weed in my nine months absence, huh? A corpse flower even popped up! that's never happened to me before. I plucked all of the weeds, but I don't know how to get rid of it. That's the beauty of Wild World, though, the small pieces of the unknown you encounter, same as in your actual daily life. I cleaned out my, well Frog's, inventory & shook all of my fruit trees, a big undertaking. I think once they grow back, I'll harvest them on rotating days: pears one day, apples the next, etc. The only fruit that I'm missing are oranges! Oranges like one of my favorite poems, The Orange, by Wendy Cope. I got Butch's photo, too! Such a pleasant surprise, he's one of my absolute favorites! I love the grouchy, curmudgeonly ones in the older games.
As I played I listened to some of this philosophy podcast I like, called Philosophize This! with Stephen West. It's a good introduction to phiolosphers you're unfamiliar with. It's how I choose which philosophers I'd like to read oftentimes. I listened to a few of his episodes on Simone Weil. He was talking about how she died for her convictions, & he made it sound like this laudable thing, and I just couldn't understand it. To die at thirty four seemed like a waste to me. Not in the sense that we lost many potential books or ideas from her, but in the sense that for her, personally, there were so many things she never got to experience. Then I realized that it was just that her convictions were so different from mine, self denial, but the concept of dying in the name of your ideals? That's something i could get behind, maybe. I don't think I'd do it unless I were pushed to, but then I thought about this book I read, Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. It was a nonfictional account of the life & last days of Chris McCandless. He was a wanderer & hitchhiker. He starved to death in the Alaskan wilderness at twenty four years old. Depsite this, I looked up to him in some way, still do really. Someone I was talking to about it, my mom or maybe my aunt, they just wrote him off as a "dumbass," their words, not mine, but he lived his life exactly how he wanted to the very end. And that's what Simone Weil did. The difference is that I understood his sense of adventure & nonconformity & didn't understand her self denial; I still don't, really, but it's made me want to read her works. Even moreso when I learned that she was a teacher.
Overall, today was a very good, slow day. I've been staying off my phone & today my screen time was an hour and fifteen minutes, which is a lot more than I'd thought, but I guess I spent a lot of time picking which songs or episodes of Philosophize This! to listen to. My goal was to keep in under two hours, though, so I did well. Probably a large part of why I had such a nice, calm day. Such a bland thing to report, yeah? That I was barely on my phone today. But eventually, it'll be so normal for me that I won't even bother mentioning it!
09/09/2023 / 10:16 PM
Hello all! I can't believe I haven't written for three whole days, that's a new record for me! In the past, I would've felt guilty and not wanted to start again, but that Vashti is gone completely. I've learend anything that you set down can be picked back up again.
& on that topic, I've spent a lot of my free time drawing, designing an illustration for the site's homepage. Prior to this last week or so, I really hadn't drawn for months, maybe a couple of years. I don't know why, but I was stricken with inspiration, so I've picked up the pens & pencils again. It's slow going, but enjoyable. It feels good to take the time to do something difficult. Perhaps drawing doesn't sound difficult, but it is for me. Not necessarily the act of depicting things; I'm good enough at drawing that I can represent whatever I want. I think that I'm stricken with as much indecision as inspiration. Or rather, there's so much inspiration that it's transmuting itself into indecsion. Despite all of this, I'm enjoying myself.
It feels strange to draw with a purpose in mind & I think that's where some of the difficulties are coming from. When I write here, it's for the sake of the actual action of writing. As I'm drawing, it's for the sake of the product; I have an idea in mind that I want to accomplish. It's just very different than what I'm used to. Not necessarily bad, but I don't know how to deal with it.
Outside of that, little to report. I had work & school on the seventh, & then work yesterday & today. I have schoolwork to do as well, but it seems really easy. I don't know, I never really struggle with schoolwork, so I kind of don't even get why I mention it. It's just a hum in the background to the rest of my life.
Other than these routine & mundane things, I guess the only things of note are that I've decided upon a couple of goals I'm giving myself for the month of September: 1) I've been cutting out screens outside of when I write on here and have been reading much more. (Reminder: Buy a book light!) The only time I really allow myself to dawdle on my phone is when I'm at work, because as a fast food employee, it's my inalienable right to spend my shift on my phone. 2) I'm going to try waking up at 6 AM each day. I've been adjusting myself to waking up earlier. Today I woke up at 8 AM, tomorrow I'll wake up at 7 AM, & Monday I'll wake up at 6 AM. Well, there's actually relatively little adjusting; I didn't realize how much better I felt waking up early. I mean, I had an inkling that I'd like it, but I didn't realize it would come so naturally to me. The only reason that I'm doing it gradually is that sleep disruptions can trigger bipolar episodes, so it's better safe than sorry in this instance.
09/06/2023 / 6:03 PM
Just had superb Eggs Benedict at the diner. I told myself today I'd try to eat slowly & enjoy my book as I ate, but I couldn't do it; Those eggs went from the plate to my stomach in the span of a few minutes. I did get to read for ten minutes or so while they cooked my food. When I went last time, it took twice as long, but today I was the only order they had. The waitress did a kind of fake, high pitched, saccharine voice. I recognize it because I do the same thing at work.
Normally I wear my headphones because it's always so noisy, but today I didn't seem to mind. I listened to the clattering of plates & their lame playlist. They played songs exclusively sung by women: Dancing Queen by ABBA, Soaking Up The Sun by Sherly Crow, & keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson. They all kind of sucked, & I only knew the names of the last two because of a morbid curiosity that got me to look them up. You know, I always thought Dancing Queen went You're in a rueful dance, not You're in the mood for a dance. I'd only heard it for what it was today. I have to say, my line is much better. They should hire me to be their new lyricist, yeah? They played Wacky Races muted on the TV. It reminded me of back when we still had cable & morning cartoons.
I'm at Starbucks again. I was going to head home, but my mom & brother aren't there, so I haven't gone back yet. They're going to be home at 8 PM, which sucks, 'cause I wanted to play with my brother. I tried a Pink Drink for the first time, because I want to try one of everything, because variety & novelty is a lot of what keeps me happy, I've realized. It was really gross & the nice barista said if I don't like it I can have something else, so I went with an iced chai, with Pumpkin Spice. My headphones are off. They were playing Taylor Swift which should be illegal. I'm listening to two girls next to me as they study. They seem miserable, but close and concerned for one another. It's sweet. One of the girls is studying anatomy & mixed up the ovaries with the vagina, ouch.
09/06/2023 / 3:40 PM
I have no clue what I was last writing about. Anyways after class I just went home & went on a walk & the sky was beautiful. The light of the sunset was spread out in rays, in discernible lines. Then I went home & made scrambled eggs, because there's almost no food in the house aside from milk & eggs, unless I wanted to eat white rice or instant noodles or lunchmeat. (& I didn't). I got the ration of the milk to egg off & they weren't fluffy, they were more mushy like porridge, or how I'd imagine porridge to be. I've never had it. Never felt an inclination too till I played Tears of the Kingdom, it looks so yummy in that game. The eggs weren't bad though; I like them slimy. Sounds unappetizing, but look, there's nothing I hate more than when beautiful scrambled eggs are overcooked & dry. That goes for most food, really. I like my steak rare. I would've cooked in some tomatoes or spinach, but guess what! You didn't have any? That's right! Gold star for you, no tomatoes or spinach in the house! And I would've put it on toast, but guess what? You didn't have any? Right again, superstar!
After eating just enough to not feel hungry, I made myself some coffee. It was 9 PM, yeah, but caffeine, or at least coffee, doesn't really affect me. I notice no difference between regular or decaf. My sleepy nature is simply capable of overcoming everything, even stimulants.
I did end up going to bed pretty late though, 'cause after dinner I played New Horizons for a while. (Punchy's moving in today, by the way). Then I went to my room to draw. See, I'm making this EPIC & BAD-ASS drawing for the front page of the site & it's all drafted up now. Can't decide if I should divulge the theme of the piece... I think not. Not yet at least. I'm going to make a few more thumbnails & then a few more drafts & get started on the real thing. I left most of my art supplies at my dad's last night, so I guess any color will have to wait till Thursday or Friday. Probably Friday, because I have work & then school right after that tomorrow. I'm excited though; I feel inspired. Rather, I'm making myself inspired. Inspiration isn't something that just comes to strike you I've realized. It's something you can cultivate. I've been limiting my time online, reading books, buying food & coffee whenever I can, getting enough sleep, taking naps. I've been living slowly, I guess. Maybe living slowly is as close as people really get to living forever. But if you take care of yourself, pay attention to yourself, the pens & pencils aren't heavy anymore. You hold them in your hands & it feels natural.
After frenetically drawing for an hour or two, (I really have no idea how long), I realized, Huh, you have a test tomorrow, don't you? Then I frenetically studied. Well, I made flashcards. The class isn't hard, though at that point, I hadn't even opened the textbook & read the chapters the test was covering. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a lousy student. Oh well. Then after I scribbled the measly amount of flashcards I'd deemed sufficient, I passed out. I figured sleep would carry Vashti through the test, though I ended up only getting like six or seven hours. I also made sure to bring my lucky Beanie Baby to school with me. It's a kid in clover overalls named Shennanigan, & he's never steered me wrong. I bring him to work with me when I want extra money. I also prayed to God, you know, just to cover all of my bases. And to top it all off, I exuded an almost delusional level of happiness & confidence.
Wow I just got this weird sense of deja vu.
Anyways, I got to school a couple of hours early instead of sleeping in so I could see the beloved E. I just studied my scribbled flashcards as I waited for her to get done with class. I was only at it for maybe five or ten minutes. Then she came & quizzed me on half or so till I realized I knew them all & decided not to bother with it. Yeah, Vashti's so studious. We talked for like two hours till I had to go to my math class. The time went by really quickly, too. It felt like nothing, even though I'd be happy for it to go on forever.
And you know, I'm painting myself as a bad student again, but hear me out: This weekend I was astounded to see how little schoolwork I had to do. I patted myself on the back, congratulating myself for being such an amazing student & whatnot. Then I rolled into math class & realized I had forgotten not one, not two, but three homework assignments! What the hell, man? Wasn't in my planner. I already did half of one of them last class & then the girl next to me let me copy her work, which was really cool. She got some questions wrong, though, but it's alright, I let her know as I was copying them. I managed to furiously write about four pages of math homework, all done by the time our lecture started, go me! It took me back to high school, because I think that's the last time I came to class without doing my homework. Math class was easy & I'm for sure we have no homework this time till Monday! Then next class came The Test. I was talking to the girl sitting next to me about the study guide, to which she went, Wait, there was a study guide?! Then she looked at my flashcards, which were based off of the study guide, & said she didn't recognize any of it. Ouch. Then I bummed a #2 pencil off this guy, because she & I quite literally had no pencils to our name & we had to fill out our answers on a Scantron. Ah, that also took me back to high school. & the test was really easy, actually. I finished before everyone, because I never second guess my answers, so I just read my new book for half an hour or so waiting for everyone to finish up. Minimum, and I mean minimum, I got an 85. Pretty sure I got an A, though. (Watch me say that and get a big, fat C). Then we had to do this weird thing where we took the test a second time, but as a group, I guess because it's a speech communications class, so we're supposed to communicate? I got grouped with five people who self-admittedly didn't study which was annoying. 1) Why should they get a good score because Vashti studied & they didn't and 2) They kept arguing with me about the answers, even though I actually studied! Halfway through I just started agreeing with whatever they were saying, because the prof said if you do better taking the test solo, you can just keep that score, and if you do better as a group, the score gets averaged. I'm positive I did perfectly fine on my own, so I couldn't really care less about the group score, you know? And I know, in my heart of hearts, that they got so many of those questions wrong. I just agreed with their wrong answers till we finished before everyone else & got to leave early. Yahoo!
Then I went to Starbucks, where I am now & after I'm going to the diner to get more Eggs Benedict & a choco chip pancake. Then I may read or study at the coffee shop some more & then maybe I'll pick up a veggie burger on the way home. I don't know yet. I'm in the mood to do everything on a whim today.
09/05/2023 / 5:18 PM
My class starts at 6 PM & I'm just in the classroom, waiting for it to start. Got here early because my dad dropped me off. He said he'd do it last week & to make sure, I double-checked every day till he told me he gets it, he gets it, quit asking. And then he forgot about me, till I texted him one last time a few hours before he was supposed to get me today. He was in a really bad mood, what's new? Then he squeezed my arm & said, Love you Vashti! I don't know. That annoyed me.
About half an hour before he grabbed me, I was stuck at home with my step-grandmother, 'cause my mom & step-father are on a date & she got my little brother from school. He immediately came home & booted up Roblox & she got on his ass about it. Then she saw me, on my Switch, and got on my ass about it. It's not like she told me to put it up, 'cause she can't, I'm twenty one. But she was clearly tsk-tsking me. Then she told me I shouldn't worry about loans & that I should get an apartment next year. Then she told me Japan, China, the Philippines, they were cultures with disgusting noises and slurps & pungent food. She said she was predjudiced, then corrected herself, and picked some nicer phrase to use that means the same thing. Then she took all of the dishes out of the dishwasher, because she said she wanted to help my mom out, and impiled that really I should be doing this. Then she asked how the chores were doled out and I told her that her biological grandchildren did jackshit around here & she changed the subject pretty quickly. She didn't know where the dishes went & just set them on the counter, as if that could possibly be helpful, so I got up to put 'em away & she said she didn't mean to make me do the dishes, but of course she did. Then she asked me, Isn't it nice when you come home & they do your laundry or make your bed for you? When they do things like that? And I told her I had no idea what she meant, 'cause no one does that for me. The entire time was just her preaching to me and me nodding my head & wishing I could play Animal Crossing. Oh and she talked to me about wanting to go to Gettysburg & "respecting what they fought for," pretty sure she meant the Confederates. So yeah, suffice to say I was excited to leave for school.
Before that, I just dyed my hair; Purple again. Well, it never stopped being purple, more like a re-purple-ing. Normally my change in hair is drastic & it makes me feel new, but this was a return to form. It was a renewal. Back to Vashti.
Before class I went to Starbucks, as per usual. It got noisy & I went to class earlier than usual. Normally I show up fifteen minutes early, but today it was like an hour.
09/04/2023 / Essay due tomorrow, haven't written it
There is a weight on my shoulders, wrapped around me all the way to the front of my face, obscuring my vision like a funeral shroud, & that weight is somewhere between two to four pages, double spaced, about why I want to be a teacher. That should be easy, right? I mean, Vashti, you've gone to school to become a teacher for years! You've come back from the brink of flunking out of school to wielding you pens & pencils in a holy & righteous fashion like the lamest archangel there is, and you're telling me you can't come up with an answer as to why you're doing it?! Not exactly, friends, more like there are many reasons scrambled up in my head that I'm having trouble articulating things for once.
If I were being honest, I'd say that I got into teaching for selfish reasons: I want to teach English somewhere so I can move away & never come back & the most people will get from me are phone calls & postcards. And what's wrong with being selfish? Isn't good that I really, really want to teach, even if it's in the name of myself and my future? And I say this, but that's not even completely true. Really, I'm a fundamentally idealistic person. I care about things like justice & living authentically & that people are good & that I can change the world & don't care about things like money. And I think my ideals are the only thing that matter in the end. And I think if I lose sight of my ideals, then I wouldn't be Vashti anymore; I'd be some phantom copy-machine-error knockoff. And I think that I really only care about being happy, and that the only thing money will really get me after a certain point is a nice casket.
And I also think that it's responsibility to protect children & to take care of them. I think that responsibility falls on all adults, really, but no one seems to notice and no one seems to care. I think lots of adults hate kids & I think it's disgusting. Being a kid is an insult in the adult world. It doesn't mean you're full of wonder or potential or curiosity; It's an insult. Call someone childish & see how they react. And people think I'm childish, too, so I know first hand. They think wanting to be a teacher is an easy way out. I've been told that Oh Vashti, don't be a teacher. Do something with your life. You're really smart, you can do anything, and they think this is a compliment. And maybe if I didn't really care about teaching it wouldn't bother me, but it makes me angry! I feel angry when people say these things & hey! That's childish. Being emotional, that's childish. Not caring about money, that's childish. Grow up, Vashti! Quit sleeping with stuffed animals and go be a lawyer or a doctor. You'd be such a good lawyer, you know. You could make a lot of money if you wanted to. You just need to apply yourself. Quit wasting your potential.
You and I are walking in a museum. Looking at an abstract piece or a maybe one of Rothko's color fields, you say I could do that! Hell, my kid could do that! and you don't mean it as a compliment.
09/04/2023 / 3:28 PM
I woke up late this morning, 9:45. Normally I'm up between 7 & 8, 9 AM at the latest. I'd wondered why, till I saw that my bedroom door was locked. Last night, I heard this scary, hellacious shrieking sound & thought it was a dream till I saw I really did lock my door last night. I wonder what it was? No one else seemed to notice anything, but I'm a light sleeper, and I'm someone who jumps when they see bunnies in their peripheral vison & leaps at shadows & flinches at hands. Maybe I was just scared of very little because I was half asleep.
It would've fit with my dreams lately, though. They've been more vivid than usual. Last night, I dreamt that I was trekking through the tundra in the summer, pushing a shoppig cart around. The land was in sheets of flat greens & reds & some browns. I thought maybe I was pushing around the cart because I was homeless, but I stumbled upon racks of clothes in the middle of this tundra & stopped to take some. I looked through the racks intently & eagerly, but not wanting to take more than my share of the empty tundra's clothes. Then I woke up & realized I was meeting E in twenty minutes. Normally I'm early to everything, but today I was right on time.
We had originally decided to go to my favorite diner for breakfast, but it was so busy there was a line outside. I'd forgotten it was Labor Day. Then I remembered, Labor Day is the day that all the rich people with cushy jobs get off work, people like me who work shitty jobs get to work extra, because it's busier than usual. If Labor Day fell on one of my work days, I wouldn't have the luxury of taking off work. In light of this, we went to get coffee instead.
We just talked for three or so hours till she had to go home. She's dealing with a lot right now & there's really nothing I can do to help. We talked about her birthday & she was really happy I took off of work, which I thought was funny, because I didn't even think about it. Of course I'd take off work, you know? I wanted to make her a cheesecake, because she doesn't like regular cake & my stepmom has a really good recipe, so I asked for the recipe & she told me no. She said it was only for people she was close with. I thought being with my father for a decade was close enough, but I guess I need to give her a kidney or something. I told my dad this off-handedly & he didn't believe me. It's kind of funny; He told me I misunderstood & that it must be a joke. It's not. I know it's not. She flat out told me no. At least E & I got to laugh about it. So I guess instead of me making her a cheesecake, I'll take her out to a restaurant that serves cheesecake or something.
09/03/2023 / McDonald's Cup and Cheeseburger & the meaning of art
Drawing that McDonald's cheeseburger in the library with my little brother, it was so much fun; More fun than a lot of things, actually. For the first time in a very long time, I think I drew like a child & I think I drew like an artist & I think I understand art now, at least with much more clarity than before. Oftentimes a lot of my creative process is in my head, trying to parse out the best way to express myself or to give whatever I'm working on meaning, but I've had it wrong this entire time! The act of creation is enough, why didn't I see that before? When I write, the act of writing is enough for me, because I feel the urge to write. When I take a photo, the act of taking the photo is enough for me, because I value capturing "unimportant" moments. Why would drawing be any diffrent? Drawing to draw is enough & I saw that in our cheeseburger.
What does a McDonald's cheeseburger & cup symbolize? I don't know! Probably nothing! But I put forth the effort to create it & I took it seriously. That's what made it meaningful. I've been looking for the wrong meaning this entire time: I've been trying to give meaning to what I draw, either through contemplation or thought or symbolism & there's nothing wrong with that, okay? The problem was that I was too into my own head to draw or to make a collage, because I was paralyzing, intimidating myself into trying to create meaning, because that's what good art is, right? Good art has meaning, right? When people defend a "simple" abstract artwork, their first instinct is to ascribe it meaning. Their first inistinct is to say Hey! Put the box-cutter down! Put the vandalist paintbrush down! This piece here, this line on canvas, this splotch of colors, it's full of meaning. It's meaningful. It's a visual representation of politics, heartbreak, the human condition, whatever. But people hardly ever agree & say yeah, maybe it is meaningless, so what? Maybe the artist just enjoyed moving their brush around! Maybe it felt good. Maybe they reveled in the act of creation. & I understand it now. I've been looking to create meaning through the visuals of my art rather than understanding that by virtue of me making an art piece, by virtue of me enjoying myself, the experience is meaningful, my art is meaningful.
I'm thinking more on it, and maybe this misconception I held for so long, the misconception that held my arms back & took the fun out of drawing, maybe it came from the idea of productivity. I've been too concerned with the outcome, the product rather than the process. What's the point if you don't enjoy the process of creation? There is none; That's why I haven't drawn for a while. I think too that I normally rely on inspiration to hit me, to slap me & leave a big welt on my cheek for me to pick up the colored pencils, but I think I need to treat my art like my writing: It's something I do because I enjoy it. I do it for myself & no one else. (Well I did help my brother draw that cheeseburger, but you know what I mean). I will accept that I'm bad, too, because badness is the only way to goodness. I'll enjoy being an amateur & I'll create selfishly, with only myself in mind. I'll hide my drawings the way I do my writing.
I think this intimidation came from the fact that as a kid, or not even a kid, a teenager too, I was known as the one who draws, the talented artist, (even though I really wasn't). I joined an art competition, despite not being competitive. My mom, she still tells everyone I'm such an amazing artist, even though I don't make art! I really don't! I remember, she told her aunts, my great aunts, that I was such a gifted artist or whatever, & they just hounded me for pictures. But why would I take pictures of what I've drawn? But they didn't believe me, my mom thought I was "hiding" my drawings, and so I scrolled through thousands of photos, several years of photos, & found one: A cartoon dog that I drew in the margin of my notes in high school. It was saying Hi V! & that's why I took a photo of it, because I had the intention of showing it to my friend. That's one example, but I think this is why I don't like drawing anymore. It's become a spectacle. Whenever I draw, everyone demands to see what I'm doing, because that's how everyone views art: It's a public thing. It's not like my writing. They see Vashti typing away, rattling away at the keyboard & they leave her alone, because people aren't normally expected to share their writing, right? That's considered a private thing. But then they hear that this is a website that I'm writing for & then they want to see, because that's considered public. I've avoided drawing, because it feels like an obligation to others, so I think the only solution is to draw privately, for myself & only myself, the way I write. I think I understand now. I really do.
Thank you little brother & thank you McDonald's Cup and Cheeseburger, 2023, colored pencil & pen on construction paper.
09/03/2023 / 1:23 PM
I'm all better now. Deep in thought in regards to last night, I came to the conclusion: Who gives a shit? I don't need approval, even from my family. Maybe I want it, but I don't need it. I haven't even stopped to ask myself, do I approve of them? Instead of asking Do they like me? I need to ask myself Do I like them? The answer is no! I don't want to be like them at all, so maybe it's a good thing they don't like me. If they told me You know Vashti, we're so proud of you. You're doing such a good job. 1) That would be weird and out of character and 2) That would mean I'm lame and boring like them & not myself. I'd rather be myself at the expense of familial love. Yeah, it shouldn't be like that, but it is, and oh well! I'm over it. I'm going to concern myself with me & only me (& my little brother & E & that's it). (Well, it's worth saying that my mom thought they were being dicks to me. Mom's cool).
I said a few weeks ago that I'm going to be myself, no matter the consequences, and this little stint of misery and insecurity isn't going to get in the way of that. Vashti's not going back to how she was, you hear me? I'm not going to let anyone get me down or let anyone take this away from me. I decided that I like myself. & I like myself so much I don't need my family to like me. I mean it! I feel good. I do think this was a good thing; It reaffirmed my resolve. I'm not going back to who I was. I'm only moving forward, with or without them.
I'm only going to spend time with people who are nice to me, so today I've taken my little brother to the library. We got Starbucks & I got a drink for my mom 'cause I'm such a good daughter & she bought my sister's drink, not me, because again, I'm sick of her, & I think my mom's finally getting it. Then we made it to the library & I helped him pick out some books. Well, we asked the librarian for her recommendations, because he wanted some fantasy books & I had to ask her for books at a nine year old's reading level. I was always "above grade level," whatever that really means, so I didn't want to inadvertently choose books that would be too difficult for him & discourage him from reading. I think it's most important that he enjoys the actual action of reading, first and foremost. I don't want hime to grow up & be a dummy who never picks up a book. (No offense to any dummies who never pick up books!) And also I wanted her help because as a kid, I didn't really read too many fantasy books. My favorite genre was nonfiction. That being said, I did find him one of my favorite books as a child, Magyck by Angie Sage. He said it was his favorite book of the lot, but I wasn't sure if he was saying that to make me happy, so I told him if he doesn't like a book, he doesn't need to finish it, because I read a lot & I never force myself to finish books, but he actually likes it so much that I found him book two and three.
Sorry, I'd write more, but he & I are drawing and coloring a McDonald's cheeseburger & drink. Duty calls... And I still gotta write my paper.
09/03/2023 / 12:27 AM
I felt really good at work today & it seemed like the whole world was there to meet my happiness; Everyone was really nice to me. One lady asked for the store's number just so she could call my boss & tell them I was doing a good job. Then I overheard another lady tell her kids that it was the purple haired girl again 'cause they remembered me, and she sounded so happy about it. I guess she was, because she tipped me. I taught an old lady to run her card & she gave me five bucks. I was showered in compliments, my hair, my smile, my voice, my earring, my sunny disposition, my kindness, anything you can think of, someone had something nice to say to me. And despite it being a really, really slow day, (my screen-time showed me that I was on my phone for a third of my shift), I brought home a lot in tips, enough that would be on par with a pretty busy day. My favorite boss was working & they gave me free food, (normally I'm supposed to pay). It was weird, but good. Maybe it was just me that changed?
E texted me, because I texted her Wednesday & Thursday while I was in the throes of misery & anguish & despir & she asked me how I was today & I didn't know how to answer her. I mean, I would sound kind of insane if within the span of a couple of days I was glowing with happiness. & I wanted to say that, that I was so happy, but I hesistated & didn't text her back for a few hours. Then I told her that really, I have no idea how I'm doing, which is true. Then I texted her a little bit later telling her that I got in a fight with my sister & said I wished she got hit by a car, which is also true. The fact that I said it, I mean. I don't know if I meant it. I didn't mean it. I don't want her to get hit by a car; I just want her to be nice. Though if she got hit by a car, ended up unscathed, & that near death experience changed her & made her nice, that would be okay with me. I guess I'm wound up, because normally I don't tell people that I wish they'd get hit by a car. I'd say I went from zero to a hundred, but that's not accurate, because happiness and anger aren't that far from each other. (And I think it's reductive to quantify your emotions like that). Especially the type of anger I was feeling, a righteous anger, the anger of you're wrong, I'm right. That feels good, not bad, so it's closer to happiness than sadness. (Even though happiness and sadness aren't mutually exclusive. I think it's reductive to see the two as opposites, too).
Then I began to feel a sad anger when, and this sounds stupid, okay? This actually sounds stupid. I'm aware that this argument was stupid. I was saying how Nietzsche thought jealousy, envy, was a good thing, because it's like this illuminating feeling where you identify what you find inadequate about yourself & that's a vehicle for self improvement. I don't know why, but my sister & I, we were talking about jealousy, in a casual way, nothing was wrong yet. And she just rolled her eyes. & she told me that if he were alive today, he wouldn't have said that, which I didn't get, because I think if anything envy is more acceptable now than in Nietzsche's time, no? And so I said, not in a rude way, (I don't think it was in a rude way), that she should open her mind to new ideas. I didn't mean it in a rude way. I was being genuine. And I didn't think about saying it, because it didn't cross my mind as rude at all. But then my sister & my dad, they just got pissed at me. They got really mad. They told me something like that was unacceptable, asked me if I'd say that to my friends. (Yeah, why wouldn't I?) Then my dad, he said I'm in no position to give advice, because no one wants it from a twenty one year old living at home with stuffed animals on her bunk bed, that I've accomplished nothing. He basically said I'm a loser. And my sister, she went Wow! You killed Vashti! You roasted her alive! And she said it with this ugly smirk. And he said, No! I didn't mean it like that. I was just being honest. And he said it without even a hint of irony or self awareness, that he just got mad at me for the same thing, for saying that I didn't mean what I said in a rude way. And I don't know. I was just done after that, I guess. We were having a fun conversation about philosophy, or so I thought, & then my dad & my sister let me know that nothing I have to say is of value to them, because I'm twenty one & I live at home. I don't know. I really don't get how I did anything wrong. And if I did do something wrong, then I don't get how what was said was proportional.
I really think that nothing I say is right. Maybe it really is me that's wrong. I just know that the two of them make me miserable. They somehow manage to make me feel like nothing any time I talk to them, but maybe that's my fault, too. I have no idea.
09/01/2023 / A new month is here, & I am welcoming it with arms & eyes wide open.
It's September & I was standing there at work today, & suddenly I just felt different. I felt new. It felt like a cool breeze swept over my mind or my soul, (whichever one of those concepts you personally subscribe to). I felt new & clean & lighter. Today was the same as yesterday, except I was different. And I really feel different, better. It sounds crazy, right? I mean, I can't just say, Oh yeah, during my shift at [Redacted Fast Food Place] I felt a total renewal of self, but I did!
I feel inspired, too & not in a frenzied way. I feel inspired in an artistic sense, in that I came home & drew & have many collage ideas. I feel inspired in terms of this website, in that I finally know what to do with it. And somehow, I feel inspired to do well in school, to excel at it, despite how simple & monotonous & banal it is.
If you're reading this, I wish I could share this feeling with you. I wish I had the words to articulate how it feels, at least, but I don't. I will say that it's not some flashing, heart-cleaving, tear-bringing epiphany that made me sink to my knees. It wasn't a religious experience. It was gentle. I feel a sense of calm & capability.