Please be good, December. Please let December be good. Please let me let December be good. I'm going to go to bed soon. I'll shower & I'll feel clean & it'll be good & I'll wake up & it'll be a new month & I can start over.

I slept for four hours & can't fall back asleep. I got so frustrated staring at the ceiling in the dark that I began to cry.

I wish I felt happy. I wish I knew what to do. I guess I just have to try to be happy anyways? Maybe I'm avoiding it, because I don't want my efforts to be in vain, or rather, I don't want to try & fail. Or maybe I don't want to think that I can feel happy & be wrong about it.

What is there to say? All signs of life are slowing down. I can’t remember things very well. I think whatever I don’t write vanishes from my memory. Time keeps passing & I’m not really doing anything. I keep finding myself laying around, sitting around, doing nothing. I don’t mean this as in I’m playing video games or watching TV or something. I mean I’m really just doing nothing. Well that’s not entirely true. You can’t just do nothing, even when you just sit still, you’re spending your time, only you’re spending it poorly. I’m going to die one day, and I’m more conscious than ever of the fact that I keep losing time & losing time & losing time, but somehow I still can’t get out of bed.

I drank this iced matcha today & it was really good. Nothing really tastes that good anymore. Or really I’m just not tasting it. Today I drank that matcha & it was so bitter. It tasted like dirt to me, the way dirt smells after it rains, but it was really good. It felt clean even though it tasted like dirt.

I don’t know if I’ve felt happy even once within the past couple of weeks. I just keep going.

I need to shower. I just realized it's been days since I've showered. I'm wearing the same pants I slept in last night, and wore yesterday, and slept in that night, and maybe wore the day before... I don't like typing that because it sounds gross, but sometimes, oftentimes, the truth is gross.

My chest hurts for some reason. The right half of it. I don't know how to describe it. I'm probably just nervous about tonight. It's another presentation thing, but it's fifteen minutes long & 20% of my grade. I haven't finished it yet. The class is at 6:00 PM, so I want to finish it by 3:00 PM or so & run through it a few times.

Everything is so hard lately. Or maybe I am so soft.

I need to feel things, but not self centered, self directed things. All I can feel lately is sadness, self disgust, self consciousness, & these feelings are all coming from within. There’s no reason for them. It’s like those self contained ecosystems, the self sustaining ones in jars. Someone needs to open the lid. The air is getting stale & there’s only so many times that I can recycle the same thoughts. I need to feel something new. I need to feel something as a reaction. I want to go out into the world & I want it to make me happy or sad. Right now everything seems closed off. Or I feel closed in. Someone needs to open the lid. When I say “someone,” who am I talking about? I can’t tell if this is a plea directed towards myself or towards God. I think I’ll have better luck with myself, but somehow even I’m not hearing the words that I’m saying. Everything’s real, but it seems so distant. It’s like my own voice is muffled somehow.

Went to bed at 3:00 last night & I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I can't miss school because I have to give my speech for speech class. It's a big part of my grade. I feel nauseous. I'm not doing alright.

I am in a lot of emotional pain. I'm very sad. It's like an ache without relief.

I feel like I’m becoming the person I used to be, & I don’t like it. I say “becoming,” but what I really mean is “regressing.” I feel like I’m becoming smaller & less capable & everything’s beginning to atrophy & if I don’t move now, then I’ll never be able to. The days pass & my movement & capabilities become more & more limited. I keep saying “become,” when I mean something much worse.

I know that at the very least, I’m not becoming the Vashti that I used to be all of that time ago, because that Vashti thought happiness was impossible for someone like me, that I was condemned to be wretched & that I deserved it, but this Vashti, the one writing this, knows this isn’t true, because I’ve felt happiness for myself. I’ve even held it for a while. It’s given me enough warmth to keep going through the winter, even in its absence. I can feel the ghost of its warmth & it guides me, even as it gets impossibly faint, even if I’m really walking toward a memory & not a ghost. I’m not who I was. I’ll never be who I was. And enough time will pass & I’ll never be this Vashti again. I can only go forward. Even if I wanted to go back, I can’t. I used to think this fact was impossibly cruel, to be forced to only move forward with time, but right now, time is holding my hand & is one of the last things I have to lead me.

Nothing really seems to matter, so I’ve decided as of now that I’ll just do things indiscriminately. I’ll write about my days that are becoming indistinguishable from each other & I’ll write about my family that never changes & I’ll do my schoolwork & I’ll shower even though I’m just going to get dirty again & I’ll eat & I’ll sleep, maybe too much, maybe too little & I’ll just keep going. What else is there to do?

I don’t really see the point right now, but I’ll recount what I did for Thanksgiving: My parents are divorced, so I had two Thanksgivings. On Thanksgiving Day, Thursday, I was with my dad & we ate Korean BBQ at one of those places where you have a grill at your table. My dad & stepmom were fighting a lot of the time. As we were driving to the restaurant, there was this hole in the clouds, like a thief with a glass knife cut a circle through a window in a movie, & light was leaking through. After we arrived at the restaurant, my dad told my sister & I to leave the car so he & my stepmom could talk & we stood in the cold while they argued with each other. There was no wait for a table & the food was good. I like bulgogi. I’d never tried it before. After the meal, we said goodbye to my uncle who had work & my stepbrother & the four of us, my dad & stepmom & sister & I went to H-Mart & picked up some snacks. My dad & stepmom continued to argue in the store.

On the day after Thanksgiving, today, Friday, I spent it with my mom. I wasn’t looking forward to it, so I didn’t go to bed until late last night, because I didn’t want it to be today. I think I got six hours of sleep. She came by at 11:00 AM or so & we went to our step-grandmother’s house. Before my sister & I left my dad’s house, my dad & stepmom left for a daytrip, probably in an attempt to fix their fighting. I wish I could’ve just stayed in the empty house… We went with our mom & stepfamily & she told us three times in the car that we couldn’t wear our headphones at our step-grandmother’s house, & we couldn’t use our phones, & we couldn’t bring our bags in, & we weren’t allowed to draw, & we had to be “social.” When she says social, what she really means is that we’re all going to play house & I’m going to be a happy daughter with a smile on my face, because dolls don’t frown & dolls don’t get overwhelmed by noises & need headphones & dolls don’t get bored & dolls just do what Mom says even though this doll is twenty one & doesn’t need Mom anymore & is only visiting Mom because this will be one of our very last Thanksgivings together.

During the car ride there, I thought about how my little brother wasn’t even going to be there, because he’s my half brother actually, & he was with his dad & I thought about how instead of two Thanksgivings, I wish that I had one Thanksgiving, or no Thanksgivings. Then I was thinking about how my Mom really doesn’t care what I think or feel if it deviates from her image of family. Then I was thinking that this is such a chore & I’m really indulging my mother because my dad guilted me into it. Then I was thinking about how the main feelings I have towards my parents are obligation & guilt. Maybe I’m just thinking that right now.

After arriving at my step-grandmother’s house, they all call her “Nana” by the way, & insist that I do so, but I’m not going to do that because I’m not close with her & Vashti already has a Nana who’s dead & I don’t need one who doesn’t know anything about me. I’m content with my dead grandma, my real grandma. I wonder what she would think of this if she were still alive. I can’t remember her voice anymore. I barely remember her face. I don’t really remember her before or after cancer. I wish that I could’ve remembered how she was when she was healthy. I wonder if I can forget her completely. After her voice leaves, what do I forget next?

We came inside while my mom walked her stupid dog & apparently we arrived early, very early, for no reason & my step-grandmother had us set up the kitchen. We made meaningless conversation. I can’t remember what we did & in what order. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt really resentful the entire time. I guess there’s no real reason that I have to write about the visit chronologically.

Step-grandmother asked us about school, because that’s the only thing anyone knows about me apparently, & said it must be nice to have a break & no work, to which my sister & I quickly replied that we each actually have a lot of work, we’re just not allowed to do it in her house & need to sit at the couch at attention according to Mom’s orders.

My boss texted me asking my hours next week & naturally I picked up the phone so I could be put on the schedule next week & step-grandmother told me to put my phone down, to which I just looked at her incredulously & my step-sister started laughing. Then I said I’m texting my boss & step-grandmother told me “one minute,” as if I need her permission to use my phone. After that, my step-sister started laughing even harder.

There was music playing the entire time. Loud music. & they never left the song on. It’s one of those voice operated speakers & the middle of each song was interjected with a command to change it. They played country music & tried to make me dance. My family tried to make me do the two step with my step-grandmother & I refused, because it was loud & I didn’t want to be touched by someone I don’t know very well & they kept pestering me until I uncharacteristically snapped & asked why I need to do what they want to do? Why do I need to do what they want to do? Why do I have to do it? Why does every interaction I share with them need to be forced? But fine, let’s do it! I’ll do it! & then they told me no, no, no, no it’s fine & the rest of the dancing scraped by like metal on metal as they tried to recover from the deviation in expectation.

We played board games & it was not enjoyable. My step-family always cheats when they play games, with the exception of my step-grandmother. It’s not a secret either. They openly cheat because they think that it’s funny & why would I want to play with people who cheat. They had the audacity to accuse me of cheating & then I got pissed off because I don’t like being accused of being someone who lies.

I won the majority of the games we played & whenever I won everyone would tell me to smile, I need to smile, because that’s normal & when you spend time with people you tell them how much to smile, but I’m the one who isn’t good with socializing, right? Not the people who have a smiling quota. Give me a break. Then I finally smiled, just so they’d stop it, & I felt like a clown. I’m a clown. I’m smiling for other people’s amusement. & I felt so absolutely severed from how I was acting, and I mean acting like pretending, like performing, & how I feel. It’s really funny because they know that I’m bipolar. They know that I experience depression. They all know that. They know it. But I’m not smiling enough. Vashti needs to smile more. It’s not fitting our image when you look sad, so smile! How you feel doesn’t matter. That’s what they mean. That’s really what they mean. How I feel doesn’t matter. I feel so horribly depressed. It’s good to know that I’m not good enough, that I’m inconvenient.

Is it normal for your family to tell you to smile when you’re upset? Constantly. Every time you see them. Is it normal to be told you need to smile under threat of an argument or “trouble?” I’m being serious. I think I’m going to see E tomorrow, so maybe I’ll ask her. Is it normal to not be allowed to do anything for hours whenever you visit your family? Does my family not think that maybe this is the reason I don’t like visiting them? Did my family forget that I’m an adult? Did my family forget that Vashti isn’t a clown? Did I forget?

When we ate, we had to say grace, but it took so long for everyone to sit down at the table & say grace & say what they were thankful for that by the time they were finished, my food was cold. The food wasn’t very good. They were meatball subs for Thanksgiving dinner. And they weren’t good & now mine was room temperature.

When we were playing games, the music was so loud that I covered my ears & started rocking back & forth without thinking about it. Mom asked me why I was doing that & I said the music was loud & she asked them to turn the music down, which they did for about five minutes. This wasn’t playing from the speakers, this was playing from my step-father’s phone that was a couple of feet from my head at full volume.

While I was sitting inside doing nothing with my sister & mom & step-grandmother, my step-grandmother said our stepsister was a “sexualized twelve year old” that needs help & that we need to help her. Considering that I didn’t even know she was twelve because we are so distant from each other, I don’t think that I’m the one who needs to do that. Also she’s “sexualized” because she dyed her hair black & started wearing eyeliner. That’s our fault though. Then my step-grandmother got confrontational with my sister about it after my sister asked what that possibly has to do with us & my sister stormed off & looked like she wanted to smash something. She was gone for about thirty minutes after that.

After hours & hours & hours of this, we went to town to watch them light a Christmas tree, but it was a small tree & took thirty minutes of standing around in addition to the hour or so we spent in the area to see it get lit up. It was underwhelming & it took us half an hour or so just to drive out of the area.

Today was horrible. Outside of this, I feel so bad. I barely feel like my body is my body. I'm sleeping too much or sleeping too little. Everything feels like it's closing. I feel trapped.

I saw deer today. I saw a buck. I keep trying to find signs in things, but I'm beginning to think that they don't mean anything. This was the first time I've seen a deer & felt nothing about it. Maybe that's not completely true. I chose to mention it here, after all.

I’m not sure what to write. I have no real inclination to write anything. I feel like I have nothing worth saying.

I think I need help. I need help. I need someone to help me. I need me to help me. I need to help myself.

Tired. Went to a coffee shop today. Bought manga. Ouran High School Host Club volumes 1-9 ($5 each) & Mob Psycho 1-2 ($7 each). I want to start reading manga again. I want to start doing things in general. I want to do them wrong. Went on a walk, on walks actually. Played a board game, board games actually. I feel rotten, like a fruit past its ripeness I’m getting soft & too tired to do things. It’s like Gregor Samsa & that rotting apple. If you touch me, I’ll weep like a wound or like mushy fruit. No flies yet.

I don't feel like I have anything worth saying.

I went on a walk & the sky seemed endless. That’s how most things seem to me lately, like they just keep going, they keep dragging their weight forward, & they carry their weights better than I carry mine.

I thought more about my driving test, & I think I understand why failing it had upset me so much. I really wanted change, tangible change, a piece of paper change, change that gives me permission, but I didn’t get that. I left the exact same, I left worse, I left crying. I want things to change so badly. I want to change so badly. I want to grow up & I want to leave this place. I perpetually feel as though I’ve overstayed my welcome. It’s this constant feeling of guilt. Even if it’s just a slight gnawing at times, it paints over everything. My parents always complain about the fact that I don’t have my license, that I’m so burdensome to drive around, and so I was crying because I felt guilty. & then my dad told me that it didn’t matter at all, that driving me to school isn’t a problem for him, and he seems to really think that, but that’s not what he says on any other day, so I think he’s just saying it out of a sense of obligation, even if he doesn’t realize it.

I don’t really know what my parents want from me. I think I’m a source of shame to them, because they point out the fact that I haven’t graduated, that I can’t drive, that I live at home, and they do it all the time. Well, if they did it all the time it would be simple. Really they oscillate between hating me & telling me that they’re proud of me & I can’t tell which one is true. It seems to just be contingent on their mood. I don’t even know if it has anything to do with me. Our relationship is inconsistent and I don’t know what it is. When my dad told me a couple of months ago that he was going to kick me out, that’s what I mean. He screamed at me, made me think that I was going to have to drop out of school for the semester, that I’d need to go find someone to stay with, watched me sob, & then after an hour, less than an hour, he took it back & said that he’d never do that, that he loves me, and then he asked me why I was crying. I have no idea what he actually thinks. I think if my parents were to be lying about something, then it would have to be that they’re proud of me, right? They have no inclination to lie about the fact that they see me as an inconvenience & a nuisance & a disappointment, so then if they’re lying, it’s about the fact that they don’t mind any of this. Maybe that’s an oversimplification.

I’m not even sure if I was just crying out of guilt. I think that it’s more than that. When I was saying that I want to grow up, I meant that I don’t want to rely on my parents, because I never know what they’re going to do. When I live with them, even though they told me that I can live with them while I finish school, there’s this feeling that it’s temporary, that they’ll rescind their offer. I mean, they’ve both threatened to kick me out before. It’s actually one of their only consistencies. When I was a child, I don’t know if I was even in grade school yet, my dad got mad at me one day & made me pack my bags. He told me that he was getting rid of me & I believed him. & he watched me sob as I packed child sized luggage & thought that I’d never see my family again. It’s always reminded me of digging your own grave, making me participate in my own punishment. & then after watching me sob for who knows how long, he told me that he wasn’t really getting rid of me & I think that I thanked him. I think I thanked him for it. I asked him about it one day a year or so ago, & he doesn’t remember doing that. It’s one of my earliest memories. The feeling of being disposable. The idea that love, or even just being home with my family, is conditional & I don’t even know what the conditions really are. & when my dad threatened, well he told me, he told me that he was kicking me out & he watched me cry about it, when he did that back in September, that was the same thing, only I was twenty one this time. Things haven’t changed. I think he sees it as this mistake on his part that’s been forgotten about, or forgiven, but even if I’ve forgiven him, it's done irrevocable damage to our relationship. I can’t trust what he says. So I don’t know if he really means that it’s not a big deal that I failed my driving test. Even if he says that, even if my mom says that, I’m sure there’s resentment there that they’re waiting to unleash when I step out of the lines that I can’t see.

I think that in other words, I was crying because I’m scared of my parents & what they’ll say & what they’ll do, even at the age of twenty one. That’s why I want to just graduate and move out already.

I failed my driving test & cried about it for about an hour and now I’m over it. I cried in the car on the way home. You know, the one that my dad was driving, because I can’t drive. I have to take it again in January.

I was laying down to sleep & had my eyes closed & as I was drifting off, I started to grit my teeth & clench my jaw without thinking about it, & then I began to hear a pipe organ. But I was imagining it. It was from my head, but it was so vivid, like I imagined the pipe organist in the room with me, playing in the dark. It was like it was real, but not, like I was dreaming & awake at the same time.

Good night.

I was on a walk today & was thinking about how I can really do anything I want. I could leave tomorrow & not come back. It felt good. I like thinking that way.

I have my driving test tomorrow. I was worried about it, but then I figured either I pass or I fail & I’ll be fine regardless. It’ll feel like the end & it won’t be the end & things will just keep going. That’s how it always goes, till one day it won’t. Well, they’ll still go, they’ll just go without me.

I think I’m feeling better. Not better as in healed, but better as in things have improved.

I have a math test in fifteen minutes. I’m just sitting on a couch, waiting. I feel more alive than usual today. I feel like a person. I don’t know if I’m feeling good or bad, maybe both, but the feeling is intense. I feel like a living, breathing person. I feel conscious of that fact. It’s hard to explain. I feel sad at the same time, but I’m not sure about what, & it’s not entirely unpleasant. I’d describe the feeling like a soreness, but a nice kind. It’s like when your legs and feet hurt from walking for a while. It feels necessary. I don’t normally have a problem with sadness itself. In fact, sometimes it feels good to be sad, but I have a problem with unnecessary sadness. Sadness that has overstayed its welcome, or sadness as stagnation. This doesn’t feel like that though. This feels like the sadness of being alive, and that’s not a bad thing. It feels novel. It feels refreshing to feel something so sharp.

I spent my day doing nothing important. I haunted the neighborhood a few times in my nightgown. The drizzle on my face felt good. It was more like a mist or a haze.

I feel really detached from everything. It feels like the days are moving & I’m separate from it. It’s like getting sick on the train as you face backward & it goes forward. I feel disoriented, and when I say I feel detached, I mean I literally feel detached. I feel separate in a physical sense from everything around me, like there's this veil or film, and even if it's imperceptible, it's there & it's keeping me from making contact with the world. I don’t really have the language to describe it. It’s like the past month or so has been one really long dream that I can’t wake up from. It’s just going and going and going and going.

I feel like something needs to change.

I spent the day with E! We went thrift shopping, then got Starbucks, then took the train, then went to Kinokuniya & I bought three more Sonny Angels, then went to the revolving sushi place & got udon & miso soup & dessert, & then we went to H-Mart, & then she took me home. It’s like how people take their dogs out to do something fun before they get put down, the perfect day, only hopefully I’m not getting put down.

Talking to E was really fun. That was the most fun part of everything that we did. When we were on the train, she was showing me all of these old family pictures, some of her mom & uncle & grandparents, some were in black and white. She apologized for talking too much, but it didn’t feel that way. Seeing all of her family pictures felt kind of weird, but really nice. My family doesn’t really have that. They seem so happy. It was like she was a fire & she was keeping me warm. That’s how it felt while she was talking.

When we were waiting for the train back & I was talking about how I was feeling lately, I felt like I was going to start crying. I wanted to cover my face, so I did it with my phone & snapped a picture of the sky.

In spite of this, I think I had a good day. I'm realizing that I can have good days & feel bad at the same time, almost like a constant hum in the background. Maybe if I try to spend my days happily, I can ignore the humming. Maybe it'll be like cicadas- I'll hear them chirp & buzz & cry every day for a while till enough time has passed & they're gone without me even realizing it.

It's hard to explain. I'm having trouble articulating my feelings lately. I couldn't really explain to E how I was feeling. Being with her was comforting though.

I think I just reached an understanding. Insight is a better word for it. This unpleasant feeling, I think it’s detachment. I haven’t been noticing the passing of days. I’m forgetting to look at the sky as I walk. I’m eating food, but I’m not tasting it. & most of all, I’m viewing everything as temporary. I keep thinking to myself how I’ll get through the days, and that’s true, I will get through them, but I’m also living them & I’m not acknowledging it. My life is now. It’s right now. It’s not a vague possibility. It’s not contingent on me getting my degree, quitting my job; Life is right now. Right now is the only thing that’s real, isn’t it? The past goes nowhere & the future doesn't exist yet.

I’ve been treating my life these past few weeks, maybe months, as just a path, just a way to get somewhere future and distant. I think life has been a bit too heavy to bear, and that’s what I’ve needed to tell myself to keep going. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll get to put this weight away soon. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s the only thing that I’ve been telling myself. My thoughts have just been consumed with getting through things, getting away from things, getting to live the life I want, soon, one day, but my life is now. I can live right now. Maybe I’ll do it imperfectly and unpleasantly, but I think I’m really grateful to be alive. I’m tearing up as I write this. I really mean it. I’m so happy to be alive. I’m happy to feel, to feel anything. This capacity for feeling & possibility that comes with each new day is a blessing. I don’t care if my days are bad, because they’re mine & they’re all I have, so they're precious to me.

Writing this made me feel like I remembered something really important.

I'm going to live, & I'm going to do it day by day by day, because days are all I have. I used to describe myself as someone who lives one day at a time, who treasures the mundane parts of my life, but I'd forgotten that part of myself without even realizing. I'm going to try to make each day special, rather, I'm going to remember that it's special. Everything I need is already there & it's already with me. This feeling may not last, it may not even last the night, but that in and of itself makes it, & makes today, even more precious. If I don't pay attention, it'll disappear without me even realizing it.

I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t even know what I’m thinking. Clarity feels just slightly out of reach, like trying to remember a dream. Normally there are words for what I’m thinking & feeling & I can take these words and arrange them & reach an understanding. I can’t find the words right now. It’s like I’m blindfolded & can just feel their texture with my hands, no identification beyond that. I am definitely feeling something, but I don’t know what it is.

I don’t think that the way that I’ve described this is adequate, either. Normally I can go back & reread what I’ve written & it’ll be like I’m reliving the exact sensation & moment that I wrote about. I think when I go back to reread this, it will be just as vague to me then as now. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I feel like I’m just saying things.

I got back from school & it was pitch dark. I’d forgotten that I cleaned my room at this house a week or so ago, so it was a nice surprise. I’m drinking a coffee. I think that I’m going to shower, then read my tarot cards, then draw. I don’t know. There’s not really anything that I really want to do. I’m just doing things to fill time. I think I’ve been sleeping too much.

I have work tomorrow, then I’m off for over a week. I’m not working at all next week. I paid for my classes & won’t have to pay anything until February, so I don’t really need the money. I normally work Saturdays but took off work this Saturday. Me & E are going to hang out. I think I really need someone to talk to. I think it’ll be good for me.

I have to go to work in an hour. I feel filthy & disgusting & I woke up feeling kind of sick to my stomach. I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit, but my stomach feels weirdly full, even though I didn’t eat dinner last night.

I’m going to go on a walk, brush my teeth, & then pack my things. I’m going back to my dad’s house, so I’m going to have to haul a giant backpack full of my clothes into work with me, & if I open that bag even once, they’ll reek like grease. When I bring a change of clothes for school to work with me, I actually have to put all of the clothes that I’m going to wear that night into a zipped baggie, otherwise I’ll smell like a grease trap, even though I don’t work in the kitchen.

All of my favorite coworkers are working today though. I’ll probably read my book when it’s slow. I read last night before bed. I don’t have a book light, so I used my phone’s flashlight. When I was a young girl, I’d sleep with my book underneath my pillow. What happened to those days? When did I stop?

I want to feel different again. I want renewal. How can I renew myself?

I think I’m becoming depressed again. Or maybe I already am. I’m always reluctant to put a label like depression on how I’m feeling, because my moods are normally so unenduring. I can reach despair & elation & make it all the way back to despair again in the course of a week, a day, but right now I feel like something is really wrong with me… I think part of it is that normally when I feel depressed I feel acute guilt & worthlessness & self loathing, but I’m not feeling that way necessarily. Really, I’ve just felt a pervasive sense of sadness that’s washing over everything. That’s sometimes normal for me, but I’m also feeling apathetic. Rather, I’m feeling unmotivated. It’s hard for me to do things right now, even enjoyable things. I feel like I’m losing control of myself, like I want to get it together. What’s it? I don’t know. I want to enjoy myself maybe. Maybe I want to feel less introspective. Maybe I want to wake up & get out of bed immediately. I can’t really point to anything that’s wrong, but I think that’s the problem. Maybe I’m doing everything right & I just want to tell myself that I’m wrong.

I feel like everything I’ve written is vague, but these are vague feelings. I feel a bit dissatisfied with my writing too. That’s unusual for me. I’m going to persist anyways. I don’t just write because it’s fun, I write because I have to.

I want to be able to write about how I’m going to fix this, how I’m going to get out of it, how there’s still something to look forward to, & I know that all of these things are true & inevitable, but it would be disingenuous to say that I truly believe them right now. I know that things will be alright, but I do not feel that way.

I think I’m going to fall back on list making. I’m going to make a to-do list every day again. I’m going to make a new planner. It’ll feel new & clean. I’ll fill it with stickers. Maybe I’ll take some pride in it. I’m thinking of turning towards distractions, too. Normally when I feel this way, I become more introspective, but I don’t think that’s the solution. Sometimes examining things makes them less clear. It’s like when you stare at a painting for long enough & it dissolves from a picture to just brush strokes, or when you say a word so much that it doesn’t seem real anymore. That’s what I mean. So I think I’m going to try some lighthearted distractions instead, because the truth is even if I avoid introspection, I’ll do it anyways, so I’ll just try not to do it too much. I think I should start on my backlog of video games & books. I’m going to try drawing again too. Maybe I can express something in a way that isn’t words.

My brother came home from school wearing a Naruto hoodie that I gave him yesterday & the neighbor boy came over & it was nice. I don’t think my brother has ever had a friend visit the house & the neighbor boy is a latchkey kid, so he ended up staying until it got dark. They played ball outside & traded Pokemon cards & played Fortnite. I gave the kid pizza rolls & chicken nuggets. I told him he could come over again. I feel bad for him. He’s always left in that house by himself until his mom gets off of work. It’s been like that for years & he’s only my brother’s age. I hope he had fun today.

I wonder when the last time my childhood best friend came over was? I don’t even remember it. It was something that happened all the time & then something that never happened again.

I’m going to bring my Pokemon collection over to my mom’s house & give my brother all of my doubles. He has a small collection & I have a huge, swollen binder sized collection. He’s like me; He described himself as a “collector.” He treats his cards like a personal art gallery. It’s very endearing.

I let him stay up an hour past his bedtime. He played video games & we watched a Jerma Resident Evil stream. We talked about furries. He said he doesn't get why people dont like them, because he thinks they're "cute." I said that I want to make a fursona. We packed his lunch, he brushed his teeth, & he said that he had fun today.

I'm feeling really melancholic today. Maybe that's not the word. I'm feeling really emotional, but I'm not sure which emotion. I'm feeling a lot of different feelings at once, so they've muddied together into a brown, like paint. Like my brain doesn't know not to mix complementary colors.

It's my friend's birthday today. I didn't remember until an hour or so ago. We're just not very close anymore. She texted last night out of the blue asking me how my semester was going. She said she's having trouble getting through classes & making friends. I'm not sure what to say to her, because we hardly talk anymore, so I didn't message back until an hour or so ago when I remembered that it was her birthday. It feels weird. A year or two ago I would've thought about it at the very start of the month, would've made a card. I guess it's natural to grow apart over time. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I feel like I should feel more strongly, but this feels natural.

No clouds today... I feel like it's part of this weird mood.